The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
May 30th was my last posting.. it seems a life time ago, since then I have come a long way. I am still living on my own and at a secret address although My Ex A's family have contacted me asking where I lived, I didnt reveal anything. His last court appearance for damaging my daughters car was adjourned and should be heard pretty soon. For the drink drive he got a 3 year driving ban and 2 years probation so he isnt working.
I love my new life where I can go home, without the fear in my stomach, without the unknown of what is coming next and without the abuse, I love being able to go out and socalise without any embarassing situations. I love my new little home and its sanctuary. So why, why do I miss him!!!!!!!!!!!! I still love him for all his faults and I know there is no going back as I would be betraying my daughter and good friends who have stood by thru all of the problems. I also know he has been sleeping with someone else but that has'nt stopped me from loving him. Some days I just want to ring and listen to his voice but up to now I have been able to resist and the only reason for that is I know I cant let myself be abused by the drink anymore. I am feeling a little low today and would love to have him hug me. Sometimes at night I lie awake wondering what he is doing and if he is eating properly and asking myself is he missing me, he probably could'nt careless, cause he can drink now I am out of the way.
I love him to bits but I dont love the life style, suppose I still have some adjusting to do. I never thought I would leave him that we would end up like this, we used to say we were together till the end, but the end was the "drink". Its so bloody hard to live without the person you love.
Sorry for rambling on I just felt the need to write down a little of how I was feeling, thanks to anyone who reads this.
Love to you all, because after all we all need a little love now and again.
I am so sorry for the sadness in your heart. It doesn't really matter what they do...we cannot just turn off the love we have for them. It is a disease and he didn't ask for it. You didn't ask for your life to be so sad either. Just keep on keeping on and one day I am sure the pain will lessen.
You are so strong and brave for changing your life as much as you have in this short period of time. How lucky we are to have you share your story with us! Thru your post it seems as tho you're beating up on yourself a bit for the way that you feel about your ex "even after everything". The way you are feeling is so very normal that it's even diagnosed in the medical community. It is a documented scientific fact that after suffering long periods of abusive behavior (be it mental, emotional or physical) changes take place in the thought patters that make the abused think differently about situatins, others and themselves. There is even some scientific data that shows that these thought changes come about a the result of physical changes in the brain as the result of the disease. If you broke your leg today, would you feel like you just had to "adjust" to getting around with one leg from now on or just "learn to live with" the pain of the broken limb. While not exactly the same thing, the things you have suffered need some real attention to heal. People that don't understand how you can have feelnigs for this person "even now", well they just don't get it. There are professionals out there that do (many of whom have even been where you're at right now). I hope that you will seek out what they have to offer and give it a chance. I'm so glad you've come to Al-anon. It's a wonderful place to learn about what the disease of alcoholism does to those of us who love A's and IMHO the best place to learn to "shake off" this horrible disease and keep on living while learning to love ourselves and enjoy our lives. But abuse in all it's forms sometimes needs it's own form of treatment so I just wanted to add that to your thoughts during this time.
