This is all new to me what do I do - Al-Anon Family Group

mickey · Newbie

This is all new to me what do I do

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

you are in the right place. this disease is so insidious and complicated. but here is a place where you will find we understand your feelings as we have all had them too at one time or another. that was of great help to me in the beginning. a place where i was not told what to do and supported in whatever it was i chose to do. i have heard over and over again that i need to take care of me. i didn't want to. i wanted my ah to. after all, i had taken care of him. but reality is i have to take care of me. i have to make me happy. i have choices. the first time i started comming i didn't want to go to meetings either. i went but everytime i left i aruged with what i had heard. i fought this program and all of the concepts. and then i stopped comming. but when i hit my bottom i knew where to turn. that's when it clicked. this program is about me. it is for me. it makes me feel real and part of the human race. i hope you keep coming and find some peace and some answers.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, answered your other post, got myself a little confused. Anyway, welcome, you are in the right place.

We don't give advice here, but we will tell you some things about his disease that may help you. First, you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, ' and you can't Change it. (the three C'x) Almost all A's do whatever they can to make it look like the whole thing is someone else's fault, and that someone is usually the wife. This is part of the disease, but just because he throws the blame around, it does not mean you have to pick it up.

I don't know whether you should leave him or not - mostly we say 'don't do anything drastic for six months or so', spend that time getting to know the program and learning something about what got you into this mess. Most of us have found that if we leave one A, we jump right into the arms of another - that is, part of what is going on is with US.

No matter what, it would help you to get to know something about his disease. Any alanon books would be helpful, as would the big book of AA. Another book that you may find very helpful is not a 'real' alanon book, but it has helped many of us immensely, called "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. If you read through older posts here, you will find something that speaks to you, I am certain. Mostly what our program is about is taking the focus off the A, and putting it on ourselves. That is, taking responsibility for our own part in things, and doing what is best for US. Most of us have had to learn how to do this, it is so much easier to just be the victim.

You will find people here who have left their A, and some who have stayed. It IS possible to be happy, even when living with an active A. It is also possible to leave an A that you love, and be happy. You will find what is best for you.

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mickey,

Welcome to MIP, glad you are here.

When I first came to alanon I was told the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. This was so helpful for me because I thought I caused his drinking, I tried to control his drinking, and I tried to do anything that I thought would cure it. Letting that go was my first step into putting the focus back on me and to stop obsessing about him.

There is no quick fix. We can't tell you anything to do that will make him stop drinking. We have all tried to do it, and we can't. Their drinking is beyond our control.

You can focus on you, go to meetings, get a sponsor, and figure out what is best for you.

Keep coming back.

Yours in recovery,

Dolphin123

mickey · Newbie

Thank you all for responding

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: This is all new to me what do I do

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

doxie · Senior Member

Hi and welcome, we do understand and are glad you are here.

You came to the right place. A lot of people have been right where you are.

There is lots of good advice here.

Doxie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.