The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think y'all are getting to know me well enough that when I post once on this board, to expect another post shortly thereafter. I do reflect on my thinking as well as my actions and behavior. The actions and behavior are a result of my thinking so last night that is where my focus was... on my thinking. My self-talk is beginning to change. I am saying things like "I can do....., I am that, I intend to..." I try to limit the use of words "but" and "not" and phrase instead in a way that is positive. Just this morning I was listening in the meeting to someone's share and it triggered a really old memory for me and I was tempted to go into that place. That is a memory now of where I used to be. I had to ask myself, "what feels better?" The answer to that question this morning was to feel love for this person and their situation and to focus on that instead of trying to use those old feelings of mine as ammunition against my Joy. In the past I would take great pleasure in identifying with someone else's pain in order to fuel my negativity. I could either one up whatever story you had (though I often did that in my head without ever saying it out loud) therefore sitting quietly in judgment of how you ain't gotta clue how bad I got it. I would create even more barriers for myself so that I wouldn't have to look at me. In this process I see how much work that old behavior took. It is no wonder it took me so long to get where I am... it takes concentrated effort. That is why I can truly say I am grateful for the program, for my friends, for my God, and most importantly for myself.
I want to end this post with one more thought. Make it your intention to not only change your self-talk too the positive, but state your intentions out loud - don't keep them in your head. If I could so humbly suggest an intention here is one of my favorite new intentions : I intend to realize all that God has in store for me.
I have been really struggling with some old memories -- some good, cherished ones and many more that have caused me great pain in the past. Right now, they are blocking my view of the present: my new home, my hubbie in recovery, our two beautiful sons, I have a good job. Why am I so focused on the past and its pain?
You really triggered a thought for me when you shared: "In the past I would take great pleasure in identifying with someone else's pain in order to fuel my negativity. I could either one up whatever story you had (though I often did that in my head without ever saying it out loud) therefore sitting quietly in judgment of how you ain't gotta clue how bad I got it. I would create even more barriers for myself so that I wouldn't have to look at me."
I too can "one up" many people with the childhood traumas I've lived through, in addition to the things I'm dealing with as an adult. I never really thought about how identifying with someone else's pain fueled my negativity -- but I do see how it happens with me and my husband as we talk about my father and the disaapointments I feel. The negativity seems to grow and it colors how we go about the rest of the day. it's like a bad taste in your mouth that lingers.
I also see how the negative thoughts create a barrier in my head... I do try to look at myself, but I guess I need to work on lowering or letting go of my expectations and the resentments they cause -- thus causing a further sense of isolation, esp. from my father and his family.
And too, I realize (from reading your post) that the negativity and bad feelings are ammunition to destroy my joy. I have everything I've ever wanted in my life right now -- right in front of me, yet I feel unhappy, discontent, bored, tired, have no energy. Not being the person, esp. the mom I want to be... I wonder why! The energy I exert on focusing on the pain and hurt zaps me. It also takes up so much mental energy that I can barely concentrate on my work (which requires alot of learning as well as critical thinking). I get easily distracted and am forgetful. Bad traits for the job I have. It takes me so long to manage a project or get something done at home. I get easily paralyzed just thinking about it!
I know there is an easier, gentler way. My husband and I have been focusing on being esy with one another. At first it felt foreign and uncomfortable. The familiar sarcasm and nagativity came so easily. But I have enjoyed now the easier way -- we are pleasant with each other... he talks nicer to the kids and me, we don't react to each other. Ther'es not that constant tension and walking on egg shells and thinking of a clever, hurtful comeback to be ready. It feels nice, it sounds nice now.
OK -- so I'm going to take a cue from your suggestion to change my self-talk to the positive. I will try to say "no" to entertaining thoughts about the past and hold them for a therapy session. ...or maybe a journaling session. I will try to say :"What feels better -- to be happy and free? or stuck in painful memories, expectations, & disappointed hopes?" I know I need ti pray big time to let go of my father, his wife and all family hopes and expectations... and to focus my energy on what I have.
I love your intention and I know that my God is a loving God who wants me to be free, happy and full of joy as well as a giver and encourager. I think I will really try to work on my self talk in order to also work on my intention to realize all the blessings God has given me and will bring to me.
Thank you for your indepth and thoughtful post -- you really helped me today and in my recovery!
Good stuff! I really like the thing about stating intentions out loud. And also, stating these things in a positive way. Oh boy! I used to have such a hard time voicing positive things, but such an easy time of stating negative things! It has been a truly "miraculous" shift in my whole personality that allows me now to state things much more postively! And what a difference it makes in my attitude and the attitudes of those to whom I am speaking!
I still slip up into old behaviors again from time to time, but it is so interesting to me how I have learned to detach from myself now. I sorta sit back and monitor my own behavior and words, especially when I am in environments that tend to promote my old behaviors..such as being around my parents. I don't always behave the way I want too, but I am able to "watch" myself now and analyse what I am up too! And I can bail out of old behavior I dont want to engage in and start over ... right then! Not let it ramble on for an entire evening.
