The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What is reality? Are my feelings reality? Are my hopes, fears and dreams necessary in my present reality?
There are loads of things which I currently am trying to deal with, many of them extremely large. These things have been building up in me to a point where I am presently concerned about my mental and physical health. I question my ability to hold on. I was telling my daughter, tonight, how she needs to stop worrying about things in the future because she will waste the joy of today. Well, I now realize, I have been doing that very thing.
I have been battling myself lately. I have known that I am dealing with my problems in destructive, unhealthy ways and I am mentally aware of how I should be dealing with them; however, I have not been able to get myself to do the right thing. Today was the first time a long time, that I was so angry with myself for my feelings, that I really felt I deserved pain for my self destructive ways… I wanted to help decrease my pain by inflicting pain (yeah, crazy I know). It took a lot of strength to hold off until these feelings subsided.
Anyway, this morning I finally gave into my stubbornness called a friend in program to see if she could talk to me tonight. I finally got a hold of her tonight and talked to her about some of my issues. I have been afraid to verbally talk to ANOYONE lately about anything. I know I need to prioritize my life right now… put things that don’t HAVE to be dealt with right now to the bottom of my list. So what I have to deal with are…. MY FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS.
I have been so angry, sad, frustrated, exhausted and a multitude of other feelings. I have been scared to admit all the time I have lost in my life. I don’t even know most of my youth and what I do I don’t enjoy going thinking about. I am sad for all the missed times and angry for the pain I have endured. I have hated myself, for most of my life, and hated so many of my actions, thoughts and feelings. Have I let my feelings rule my life?
So… are my feelings necessary for my present reality. I think tonight I learned that maybe they aren’t. I don’t have to let them hold me down. Yes, I know I have to deal with them but slowly and one at a time. I need to forgive myself for holding on to all my feelings and letting them fester inside me… buildings up like a volcano. I know that if I’m not careful my volcano is close to erupting and I am going to get hurt. I know it will hurt me more after it erupts than if I slowly deal with the pain now, But that is hard... very hard to do.
So, how do I do this? This is definitely my present struggle. I cannot handle my present reality as it is. I need to alter it to a healthier reality and I need to take down my HUGE wall that is keeping everything in. I need to learn to ask for help and not be afraid of everything and everyone. I know the world is not my enemy unless I allow it to be, but fear keeps me locked away. I NEED HELP! Any help would be greatly aprreciated. Thanks for listening.
Do you realize how long it took me to be able to put "hugs" around someone's name in cyberspace? I couldn't outwardly express feelings of support. I think we all have trouble dealing openly and honestly with our feelings. I read that we are not our thoughts and feelings, they just are. I think we Alanoners are just too hard on ourselves because of the environment we live in. But on the other hand it would be foolish to not acknowledge that sometimes life is just tough.
In my f2f meetings tonight we were studying Step 2. The quote was "In Step 2 we acknowledge a power that is doing for us what we haven't been able to do for ourselves and we realize that, as we learn to rely on that power, our lives are restored to sanity."
Hope this helps. After reading your post, easy does it, comes to mind.
I am so sorry for your feelings right now. I just want you to know that I totally relate to your confusion, anger, hurt, etc. - I was just thinking today that it seems like it is all just worthless. The pain I am going through really is so draining.
All I can say is that you are not alone. You did the very right thing by calling someone in the program. I know from being in AA that the worst thing you can do is isolate. I know that sometimes, like you, that is ALL I want to do. I don't want to talk to anyone, just hide and stew and cry and be depressed.
Reality does happen, yes. I am slowly learning that our reactions to reality is what HAS to keep us sane. I have to remind myself that when I am feeling down, I HAVE to reach out and help another person in need. This is the surest way to combat your feelings of hopelessness. It takes practice, but you can slowly do this. There are so many people out there who just need a smile or a caring listener. It makes you forget your problems for a while....
Linda, hang in there. I am so glad I read your post today, because I know that I am not alone. Your life has hope, you can change things, your reactions and make things so much better!!! We can do this thing!!!
