The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have popped in periodically to see how everyone is doing and to do some reading. Things have been ok for me, hectic to chaotic for the rest of my family. AW not liking my work schedule, or our lack of "fun money" as the summer comes to a close. ASon is job hunting, his transmission has gone out in his truck and he has no money. Just life I guess.
My AW can't go more than 5 days without having a fit about my going to Al-anon meetings. For spice she mixes in a little "I hate your job", "I want a new car" and "You never pay me any attention".
I have been staying away a bit to focus on "what am I going to do". I so much appreciate everyones input here, but I guess with all the new information I have learned in 4 months of meetings... I had to sit down and put that together for myself.
I have learned that I can live in the same house and be sane with her not making any move towards recovery, or even acknowledgment of a problem. But there is a price for that. And I am not the only one paying for it. Our 11 yr old has to pay that price too.
Just like everyone here, I love my wife. But she is so sick that I can't even find her in there anymore. She has threatened to leave every few weeks this year, always for effect it seems, and I just recently realized that the last few times I was ready for that. Not dreading it. What does that mean?
When I think of the weekends that we have had 'good' times, looking back they weren't loving, "holly crap this is why I really love this person" weekends, they were just times we didn't fight. I had a good time, but could have had just as much fun with any buddy from work. (Except for the sex of course. LOL)
For the last few weeks I have been asking my HP if he brought me here (to Al-Anon) in order to gain the tools to sucessfully seperate myself from this and live a productive life? I truly could not have done it before.
I have really thought about this disease like it was cancer, but if I was married to someone with cancer and she constantly blamed me (and everything else around her) for it, AND refused treatment, how would I feel about staying? Is it really the same?
We just have so much negative history at this point, I don't feel like I have anything else to give to this relationship. She must be treated as a child in many respects (like money) and of course that upsets her. Sure it does, but I can't just go broke and say .... told you so. That's not fair to the kids or me.
It is just so sad. I never give up on anything. I always feel like there is some way to fix everything, but this is just not all up to me. Well... it is, I just don't like my options.
I read something one time that said, "... winners never quit and quitters never win, but if you never quit and you never win... you're just foolish..." Guess I am tired of feeling foolish.
Hope this doesn't bum everyone out. I am very thankful that this program has allowed me to gather myself up enough to even think clearly again. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, but even that was failing when I found you guys.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Have had lots of days like your feeling right now , this is damn hard work when only one person is trying to get well . Just keep doing what your doin . I like the line that says your only a failure when u quit trying. hang in there . Louise
I can relate to so much of what you wrote, but never had that perspective of winner and losers. Food for thought. Thank you, for you honest share, I hope to someday share my heart here too. Right now I just come in to read and learn, which I have learned sooooo much, in a selfish way.
I was wondering where you were and how things were going. Good to have some reflection time. I think I will be facing that at some point in my non-relationship with my sober AH. I think that it is like when you think you have had enough and can't take anymore, that the A's turn up the volume. I have heard of winners never quit and quitters never win before. Now that I am in this recovery program, I hear that codependents never quit even when they aren't getting anything in return.
I think that we have lots of options even though some are not immediately obvious. I think we will all know what is the right thing to do. For myself I learning to prepare for the worse but I will never give up on hoping for a miracle!
Glad to see you are gaining some insight and clarity. I have had these same thoughts and feelings the last few weeks myself... actually for a while. It's not an easy place to be when you are the only one in the relationship working on yourself trying to get healthy. As you have said you realized you could live a sane life with someone who is choosing to stay sick. I agree that we are not the only one's that suffer and that thought gets me as well. My sponser has said that when the time is right for me to make a decision of either staying or leaving HP will give me that 100% assurance of what it is I'm supposed to do. Whatever you choose you know now that you have the love and support you will need to get you and your son through it.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Just in case no one has told you this, no matter what happens, Rtexas, I think you are a Winner!! When we walk in the "rooms" of recovery, we find a way to become winners if we choose to stay, to leave, to go back, or move on. We are winners because we discover that we have choices. We seek a relationship with a power greater than ourselves that will lead us in the way we need to go - That is what makes us Winners.
You may feel undecided right now, I think we all have felt this way at many times in our recovery. Have faith in your HP that will guide you to the right choices for you and your family.
One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am going to be slefish for a second. I for one am extremely grateful that you found your way to us. I have learned from your shares. And when I read your posts there is always a pearl for me to pick up.
I have gotten to the point where I am no longer dreading him leaving when he says that he is going to leave. And I am sad about that. But I am happy about the fact that I have learned that I do not need him to go on with my life. So now, for me it is a choice to stay, and for me that helps.
I know what you mean about the weekend thing to. I have thought about that myself. I could go to the park with one of my friends. I could take the kids to the zoo with a buddy. the things we do that make the weekend fun, I could do with anyone. Well except for that one thing that you mentioned . And now while he is gone, I am finding that the peace and serenity I have now is so great, I am scared about losing it. Got some thinking of my own to do.
I was happy to see that you posted again. I was wondering where you were and how you were doing.
Yours In Recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
