The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have talked to a couple alanon buddies here expressing that I have not felt I could contribute to the board right now because much of what is going on with me is so intensely personal that I wasn't sure how I could possibly share in a general way. After this morning meeting here at MIP I found some words. What I realize I am coming up against is myself..is it courage I need, do I need to be more kind, do I need to be more humble, am I being dependent...blah blah blah the list is endless. I know what I don't need to do is come here to garner support for the anger I have felt the past few weeks about the specifics of my life. That isn't going to be productive for me, therefore I am not going to share the details. I will do my best to just be honest and share what I am feeling. Once again I find myself in a position where what I say about how I feel is not being accepted in the manner with which I chose. I have tied expectations to how I feel about certain things and that is always a dangerous game - I can see that just this second after typing it. Dang it! I am never going to get what I want FROM someone else. I do need strength to say what I mean (oh yea and not say it mean) then I have to bless the results whatever they may be. I feel like I am letting myself get slowly drug back into a battle field. The ammunition changes from one thing to another but the point seems to be to get my attention. I refuse to operate in the negative, and I am personally very happy about that. The joy I have found in that is spreading to my children and from there I can't say how they affect others. I can have suspicions, inclinations, intuition but none of that mounts to a hill of beans if it isn't being communicated to me.
I have been a clumsy person all my life. I can hardly ever walk down a hallway without tripping into a wall. My attention has been diverted for so long that I have let myself become a distraction to myself. It doesn't matter how other treated me when I slip, tripped, or fell. The fact that I was bullied by people who professed to love me. So now when I trip here...in my program I am instantly taken back to those moments and that I know is ridiculous because you wonderful people here don't judge me in that manner. You all have been there in one respect or another. If I was not progressing I wouldn't even notice the correlation to past feelings, thoughts, attitudes, or behavior. If I can't fall in front of my friends and feel safe - then where can I fall. I don't think that it is so much as a slip in behavior that I am struggling with, moreso I think it is a change in behavior that I am becoming accustomed too. It feels odd to say what I think and how I really feel. Quite often it feels good coming out of my mouth, even if it is akward and stumbling. It is my voice and it is important and it is valuable. The more success I have in just merely stating the truth the better I feel about it. I need to get better about letting go of what others see or perceive about my truths, about my stumbling. Quite frankly... I just need more practice!
thanks debilyn for letting me know my post was incomplete!! love and respect you all soooo much!'
Dang it! Do I have to ask?....NOPE. (((((Sparkette))))) Nothing like fight with yourself, like being in a paper bag. Harder you fight getting out of it, the harder it is to get out. Sometimes we just have to stop, wait and look for the light out. It's there, that is a given. It is our determination that prevents us from seeing it. Well intentions, knowing what we need to do or not do, understanding ourselves and even contemplating what we need (courage, kindness etc.) doesn't always help us find what it is we need to get that serenity back. Sometimes we just have to stop. Sometimes we just have to say this Sucks, and accept it, but realize it isn't going to last forever.
What I read from your post is that you are telling/explaining yourself away without getting the results you want.....They aren't hearing you. Been there, I've wasted a lot of air explaining what it is that I need from someone else and not getting it. It seems so simple, not a lot to ask, easy even but yet it's not heard. So what would I do? I'd say it again....augh. That only lead me to the path of "if only". If only they'd listen, hear. If only they tried, accepted blah blah, blah. So I'd be one big ill pill, have totally lost my focus, start blaming others for how I was feeling --- cause crap! If only they'd..... Do you see where this is going?
I don't know the particulars of what you are going thru, but what I hear is your frustration. You seem to say you need something, to help make it better, you feel like you're on the verge of being sucked back in and no one is listening/hearing. Take it easy on yourself, try not to look for what you can do to yourself to make things better, be who you are, let God/Hp help you make things better. Give it to Him and ask for direction. It's a prayer I continually pray, God, I've tried, and I can't but I know you can.
I want you to know I love you!!! You are such an encourgement to others, I look forward to seeing you in chat, you lift so many people up. I'm here to tell you if you had any more of some of the great qualities you show the many of us, you wouldn't be Sparkette, you be one big Holiday Shell .
You'll be in my prayers. ((((((lots of hugs to you))))))
You know I struggle with some of my posts as well. I guess I figure to have someone relate to my posts I had to share the details of what was going on. So many a post have I started and then never posted, because some details are personal and need to be kept that way.
But thank you. I related to your post, and lol no details. I should have remembered that we all speka the same language here, alanon, and we can relate with out the details. Feelings, feelings I can relate to.
Debilyn, you make me giggle.
Yours in Recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
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