The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few months ago my a and I met a really nice guy who has been sober for 7 years. I was very attracted to him at that time, and got over it a few weeks later. We have not seen him since January. Well, over the past two weeks, we've seen him at mutual friends bbq's, and one concert. My a has been drinking about a case of beer a day, and has been very verbally abusive. He got really trashed and nasty with me at the bbq on the 4 th of July, and Joe the sober guy suggested that I go to alanon. I told him that I have been etc. He asked me for my card and we exchanged numbers. He has called to "check in" twice since we saw each other. I feel the attraction between us, and can't stop thinking about him. I paint as a side job and he wants to hire me for his mom's home, which is across the street from where he lives. He seems really concerned and about my situation, and keeps telling me to call him if I need to talk, that he knows alot of women in the AA meetings who are going through similar situations, and he could introduce me to them. My thing is, I am acting like a teenager waiting for the phone to ring. I am very vunerable right now, and my self esteem is really gone. My husband puts me down constantly, and has embarresed me infront of alot of people over the past week. I welcome all suggestions, Thank you.
One thing I have learned in this program is that my picker is broken. Every single man I have ever been attracted to has addiction issues. Everyone, it never fails. And sometimes the addictive side is well hidden that I start to wonder if maybe my picker is getting better, then the addictive side comes out.
I would warn you to be careful. This man may be able to sense that you are feeling vunerable and that is why he is giving you extra attention. I know in the past when some I have met in AA or NA says that he knows women that are going through the same thing and asks for my number I have received phone calls from the ladies, not the guy.
Just be careful and don't put yourself in a situation where you might be tempted to do something out of character for you. I could be wrong this guy could have honest intentions, but it sounds like a 13th step waiting to happen.
Yours In Recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Your treading on dangerous waters be careful . I understand the need to be with someone who isn't abusing you on a daily basis but as u said YOU ARE A MARRIED WOMAN. And it's just my opinion but a man who pursues a married woman ain't such a good catch . So keep the focus on yourself get to more meetings remember you are a lady ? hugs Louise
I could so relate to your post. I to had an experience such as this. Fortunately, I had a very good sponsor who helped me to see that it was the recovery that I was attracted to not necessarily the person. Also that if this person I knew in AA had true recovery that he would not be getting involved with me in that way. A person who has true recovery would walk away from the situation. I to have a broken picker. I have always picked men who I thought I could fix. When I stepped back from this person I saw that this person also needed major fixing as he was a child of an alcoholic who had never dealt with the isms of that relationship.
It is never to late to step back and look from outside the box - please talk with a sponsor or program person to gain some perspective of what your attraction is really all about.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Liliana, I am the Queen of Broken Pickers. Also, the Queen of Broken Hearts (mine).
I have been married 5 times. Everytime things got tough in the marriage, it seems like I took up with the first attractive guy who showed me the least little bit of attention. W-R-O-N-G.
I didn't even know how to love myself, much less anyone else! I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances. But, be very, very careful. This may lead you on a path you don't want to go on.
If you are looking for advice, we are not supposed to give it here, but we can offer experience, strength, and hope. And, through myexperience, I wouldn't talk much to this guy if you can help it. Make friends in the women in Alanon, and you will find strength. I hope you take care.
P.S. I know what it is like to be infatuated with someone. You know Keith Urban, the country singer who married Nichole Kidman??? Well, I can't believe he did that, I was hoping he was waiting for me!!! Got my heart broke again, dang it! I guess I'm gonna wear black in mourning until they get divorced! LOL.
I agree with all the others. Also, I know the feeling of finally getting a little understanding, concern and attention that has been missing so long in my relationship. Caution is well advised. What do you know of this person, is he married? have a significant other? It may sound cruel, but the truth is that we can become the ultimate martyr once we have someone to tell and that sees how difficult our life has been with the A. Please step back and look at what you are doing, check your motives every time you consider doing something to encourge this person.
If he does have a good program, has been in a while, what he is doing for you is a gift. Accept it as that, plain and simple, a helping hand. He knows all too well what is going on with your A, he's been there. You need to remember that. Also, How would you feel if it turns out that he is just trying to help because he's making an amend to himself for being such an a** just like your A at the BBQ.
Sobriety is one day at a time. I personally love to see a sober A with a good program, they give me hope. I see that it is possible when too often I think it will never happen.
A big thing to consider is that if your A hubby even thinks there is any thing going on, all it will do is give him one more reason to blow AA off. If you want what you see in a Sober A, don't give your A one more reason to stay away from sobriety. We don't cause them to drink, but if your A is anything like mine and many others, they are just looking for one more reason to excuse their drinking, shift that blame on to a person, situation etc.
Please read as much as you can about AA, how their program works, and as much as you can about Alanon. If you don't already have a sponsor, get one. This has a huge potential to blow up in your face, and I say that with love .
Of course it feels great to have someone treat you well. This is what you need and deserve, and your feelings are showing this to you. However, this is not the way to get what you need.
It is impossible for us (or you, for that matter) to tell if this guy is 13th stepping you (by the way, that is an AA term for the way that guys in recovery tend to hit on the women, who are so vulnerable) or if his interest is a genuine 12th step reaching out. Possibly it is a little of both. None of that is the point, though. You are in a marriage to an A - that is hard enough for one person, without complicating it. Focus on you, find out if you want to leave the marriage, and get some recovery. Then you can reach out to a healthy relationship that will be good for you, either with your husband, or with someone new. It might be this guy, it might be someone else. The most important thing, though, is to have a healthy relationship with yourself first.
Given your circumstances, I can easily see how you would be vulnerable to a situation such as you describe. Best you should not act on it though; doing so could lead to more damage and hurt than you can imagine. And somehow this guy doesn't sound sincere. Be very, very afraid. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I have learned a lesson the hard way on this one, I wish I had found this site at the time and got the loving and wise advice you are getting here.
My husband and I were separated, due to his drinking. My old boyfriend from college found me and started writing to me. Since he was an old friend, whom I thought I could trust, I confided in him about my broken heart at the state of my marriage.
Rather than encourage me to go to alanon, he told me that he has spent many years in alanon since his father was an alcholic (later found to be a LIE at least the alanon part, not the ACOA part) and told me that we could have our own "private" alanon group, just the two of us. This sounded like a good idea at the time, I was such a dope. He said there are a lot of "creeps" out there looking to take advantage of vulnerable women, and that was why alanon was likely not safe for me!
YIKES!
What a lie! He was the biggest creep of all! He kept me from alanon to keep me all to himself to try and "13'th step" with...no competition...SIGH!
It was the same...he tried to give me work to do (to stay close to me and not seem like a creep hitting on a married woman) and called me to see if I was OK (to see how things were with husband).
He was a 'friend" (lion stalking his prey is more like it) for about six months then the real creep came out. He had my husband investigated and found out some really rotten things he was doing and gave me the proof, hoping that I would be so devastated I would no longer protest his expressions of affection.
I am proud to say that I held out...but it was tough. I never took my wedding rings off, which helped, I was MARRIED as long as a piece of paper said I was...and an affair was off limits.
I tried to remember that my morals and scruples were not reliant on those of a sick alcholic. Let my husband be a total dishonest creep...I did not have to follow him down that low path.
I won't say this was easy though..
Anyway, this mess had a VERY BAD end.
This guy had said he was divorced, he was not, he was still living with his wife! AND, had two kids!
He is a total creep (what other kind of guy cozies up to a married woman!!!!???) and when I did not give in, he began an affair with someone I thought was a friend. He had met her when they both came to help me clean up a rental property for a family member who gave me a temporary job as an apartment manager. It broke my heart, I had beleived that he had loved me and would WAIT until I was divorced from my husband, as he said he would.
He is such a sick jerk that he thought that having an affair with my "friend' would move me to such jealousy that I would come begging to him. HAH! It woke me up to what a total jerk he really was. I stopped all contact with him when I found out about it (which was not easy as he did it behind my back at first, until my "friend' rubbed my nose in it).
Well, when I cut off all contact with him and his stupid sick twisted plan backfired on him he began to stalk me, threaten me, etc. and he FINALLY admitted his plan.
He was hoping that I would get divorced and he could move into my house, with my husband paying spousal support, and he could have a free nice place to live and someone to cater to his needs while he divorced HIS wife. My "friend" had two rowdy mouthy kids and a tiny apartment...not big enough for his needs.
By that time my husband and I had begun to work things out, this guy hit the roof, as that went against his "plan". He began to openly stalk me in front of my husband and threatened to lie and "tell" my husband we had an affair (lie) so that my husband would not reconcile with me and we would still break up.
He came to my new job at a store too! He called night and day, and drove past my house ten times a day. Finally husband got fed up and went to police station to file a stalking report. I had to tell my husband the whole horrible story . CRINGE!!!
This guy was a former policeman (go figure) and so his old friends on the force handled this discreetly, warning him never to get near me again or call again. He had too much to lose to not listen and he finally left me alone.
I am telling you to listen to everyone here very carefully!
They are right, kind, honest, decent men who are emotionally healthy don't go after married women (and YES that is what he is doing!). This guy sounds like a creep, to try and insert himself into your life with his "concern" and giving you jobs and calls to make sure you are OK...SHEESH! Do they read the same book or something?
Be afraid...be very afraid! It may not blow up in your face like what happened to me....but nothing good can come of this, it never does...
I read all of the reponses and I agreed with all of them .I thought what can I add.Look at all the reponses you got.There is more reponses to your post than any one got so tells you that alot of women have seen it and know .
I understand in a bad marriage being attracted to someone who seems to care and sober.I was in a abusive marriage and someone came in my life who seemed cared thought I was answered prayer to him .i started to think that too and later had left my husband for abuse and got with this guy and he was worst than my husband this cycle kept going and I kept marrying abusive men until the last one was a phycopath from hell and I landed in alanon with a broken heart and a broken spirit and insane.
I been in alanon 3 years and I know I am not well enough to chose any man .That is my point you are in a marriage belive me the man of your dreams hasnt come the knight is not here to rescue you it is just another man who you cant fix .if it seems to good to be true probably isnt.
He might have some good intentions mixed in it but instead of getting your number why didnt he just introduce you to someone in alanon and left it at that.
Keep going to alanon counceling if need and friends and work on you so you can decide what is best for you.and another thing to think of if your husband is verbally abusive it can be a matter of time before he is physically abusive and if he thinks you are mixed up with some one it might send it over the edge and some one could phyiscally get hurt and it will be you.
no one is judgeing you . it is normal to want someone to love you just work on you loveing you
There has been some much information given to you - I hope it doesn't overwhelm you.
I just have one small thing to add - for all the replies to your post, this is why the majority of Al-Anon programs suggest that in most cases men work with men and women work with women. If this guy was truly concerned with your recovery, he would have given you phone numbers of other women in recovery that you could have reached out to for support during your difficult time, then quietly stepped back to give you room to seek help from other women in the program.
That is what I've seen healthy people do . . .
Just my E, S & H,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I can so relate to your problem.I have been married almost 20 years.In the beginning of our relationship I would never have looked at another man...but that changed.as his Addiction got worse I had many "crushes" on other men.I never cheated on my husband but I flirted alot and found myself thinking about them way more than I should have.I think my reason was that I was not getting any positive attention from my husband...he had a girlfriend named vodka and when he was with her I was a fat b***c. I craved the attention of other men...still do.
I will be divorcing my husband soon but still have never slept with anyone else and my biggest fear is that I`m going to pick another A.
, I was hoping he was waiting for me!!! Got my heart broke again, dang it! 
I guess I'm gonna wear black in mourning until they get divorced! LOL.
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