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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> relapse
Post Info TOPIC: relapse
beachgrl


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Posts: 8
Date:
relapse
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Hi all - this is the first time I have done this but I need some advice from those that have been there.


My A husband of 20 years relapsed again tonight.  I am very disappointed.  He has been in outpatient rehab since April and attending AA trying to do 90 in 90.  I think he really wants to stay sober but he can't seem to get past 15-18 days.  He was sober once before in our marriage for 8 years.  He has been drinking again for the past 7 years.  He controlled his drinking until about a year ago.  I ignored the problem until March when I found out he was driving our kids around intoxicated while I was on a business trip.  It was then that I told him to stop drinking and get into treatment or our life would change. We started fighting about how much he was drinking back in October.


I feel like the time has come to ask him to move out - I am so tired of this roller coaster.  He is on antabuse and naltrexone (for three weeks).  Interestingly the antabuse did not make him sick today- and I have been giving it to him and checking his mouth! He drank a six pack with little side affects - flushing in the face and some stomach upset.  I also found out tonight that he drank on Monday evening too. 


He also has an interlock on his car - it was mandated by his business partners. 


I am really studying and meditating on the first three steps - I have only been attending alanon for about six weeks.  I know the three c's I repeat them every day. 


I guess my question is have I given this enough time?  How many relapses do people go through?  He refuses inpatient care and that makes me sad because I know he is very sick and that would be the most appropriate setting.  I can't make him go.


Every time we have discussed his moving out - I cave.  I could really use some of your experience, strength and wisdom. 


Thanks, Karen W.  aka beachgrl


 



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jj


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 505
Date:
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((((Karen))) hugs!!


Welcome to MIP.  I for one can tell you that this room and meetings has saved my marrage so far.  I came here a year and a half ago and at that time my hubby was about to be wifeless.  I have not experienced relapse as my husband has no intentions what so ever of getting sober.  What I have learned here is that many people have experienced the same things and have alot of compassion and help alot.  I can't say that any advice was given but love, support and the program and sometimes even just the smallest little saying has helpped emensly.  Only you know what is right for you and when you do know what do do it is like a light bulb going off and a clarity and weight lifted.  This is what I have experienced. 


Again welcome!!! keep comming back


Love in recovery JJ



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afglin


Senior Member

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Posts: 250
Date:
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Nobody can say the number of relapses. Mine has been to 4 rehabs. His longest sober was 2 years. After that relapse he makes it no more than 2 weeks before it happens again. His longest rehab was 93 days inpatient. 37 years of marriage..35 of those he was drinking..many of those years drinking heavily.


The best thing you can do is stop trying to guess when he will stop drinking and work your own program. Learning acceptance and detachment and finding compassion helped me stay married and handle the relapses better each time.


LIN



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Lin
evey


Veteran Member

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Posts: 93
Date:
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Hi Karen,


My A has relapsed too many times to count.  I know what you mean about the 13-15 days-for my A is is day 5. He is in rehab for the first time right now. As you know alcoholism is a progressive disease and only he can stop it. My A's counsler made it clear- motivation is the key to success. I went to see him yesterday. He looks good, but the signs of relapse are already there. I wish him success but I'm not dependent on it. My  A sounds like yours 3 years ago. Now I can only dream to have that back and how sad is that. Now he is unemployed and physically dependent on alcohol(gets the dts after he stops drinking and needs to be detoxed). He has been in the hospital 4 times since April, found along side the road, urinates on himself, doesn't eat and is unreliable in every capacity while drinking.


What I do is work my program. I was advised by a lawyer(I have kids too) to keep a journal documenting everything. Not just about his drinking but about his contribution to the children and family.


 I have had  a plan B for abourt two years.I got a job, a credit card in my own name,a safe deposit box with copies of all certificates, car titles, 401k accounts, insurance,pensions, house and anything else he could try to hide or sell if I leave or he leaves. I also have a bank account in my name only that I add to as I can. My son (9) is never left alone with his Dad drunk or sober. I have a key to my cousins in case I have to leave suddenly and they are not home. I keep one on my key ring and one in the shed, along with an extra set of car keys and twenty dollars.


Why? B/c I was advised to develop a plan B. When where or how their disease will progress is unknown and it is better to be prepared.


Take what you need from others experience and develop your own plan B. What that is is up to you, because you are the only one in your situation. Take care of you. You are not alone. And come back!


evey


 



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maresie2


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1718
Date:
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I think for years my automatic response when things were at their worst was to beat myself up.Then I let other peope beat me up too figuratively. I had to hand over the responsibility for recovery to my boyfriend. He's responsible for his own happiness I am not. He would like to make me responsible and I'd rush to pick it up. Now I don't. When he tries to focus his issues aorund our relationship I no longer jump up and try to make it better. All the issues in his life don't center around our relationship and it is not for me to "fix" it.


I do hope you will stop beating yourself up. You did not cause him to become an alcoholic and you have done your best to help. Nothing does till he surrenders. Perhaps he will, perhaps he won't. Who knows. I know today I can focus on me and my issues and not obsess on him.


Maresie.



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maresie
confused


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 291
Date:
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bchgrl,


I am so glad that you are here, reaching out and realizing that you are not alone.  WE too have been where you are.  The part of your post that stuck out to me was, how long is long enough?  When I came into the program it was suggested that I make no major decisions for 6 months, that just like the alcoholic seeking sobriety, we Al-anoners need to have the fog lifted too.  They said just keep coming.  No one here will tell you whether to stay or whether to go, just to keep coming and that things will get better.  It is not about whether or not you AH is sober, it is about you.  The answers will come it your HP's time.  So please,  keep coming, read the literature, get to as many f2f meetings as you can... things will get better. 


Welcome to YOUR recovery...


Lynn



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nmike


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2677
Date:
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((((karen)))),


What has helped me is reading the AA Big Book. It explains what the disease is all about. It also gives us hope. Also, there are audio speaker tapes by Joe and Charlie that analyze the Big Book. They really give insight into why we can't do things on our own. Why we all have to work a program. Keep coming back.


In support,


Nancy



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nycbt


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 810
Date:
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Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.



 



World Service Organization Website –



WWW.al-anon.alateen.org



Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666



Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF



Tel: 020 7403 0888



http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/



Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 



Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.





  • Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

  • post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.


·        In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.



·        Set support system.  people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.





  • Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.


You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.



 

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.


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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
beachgrl


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 8
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you for all of the ESH - not sure what I will do but I am turning it over to my HP.  As my grandmother used to say I am "laying it in the lap of the Lord". 


I know that only I can decide when "enough is enough".


I am praying that his counselor will recommend in-pt. care and I hope he will go - but I am preparing for the worst (he won't go).  At that time I am going to request that he move out and I am praying for the strength to follow through. 


Thanks again - I am grateful to here,


Karen



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