Went and visited my A husband. He has gained so much weight and looks very good and healthy.

I sat still and payed attention, assessed accessed dang, him like i would have doing an observation of a student. It was very interesting. He was very jazzed that I was willing to get him to his 90 in 90. I know  he can get rides in time too. But you bet I will take him.

I told him my boundaries face to face. I said your choice, go to a shelter, sleep on your sisters floor, or come home. My boundaries are easy, but in one second, if you use, if you abuse, you are gone. I have done it before, the thing is he really has no where to go.

His commitment is up to him, but it seemed to make him stronger hearing it.

I am not the same person who forced myself to come here, a wet noodle. I don't cocoon up and cry and mourn anymore. I don't feel that anything was wasted. If anything becuz of alanon I feel I have gotten the best out of my A. I allowed him back and we shared a lot of great times, and just ok times. Then the disease

 would take over and he would be gone. I never regretted using my skills to be able to have time with him.

Now I may be blessed with some more. BUT he will be on meds immediately for his bi polar thing. UP to him.

It was a nice visit. very nice. I even pretended to show him my um family group, my chest. Just to tease him. He said the only time he gets touched is when they pat him down. I said, "omg you are starting to like it aren'tcha??" lol lol

I love him so very much. I hope so much hp will help me not to kill him. lol lol I mean I pray hp will help me with, well cont. to help me with, not allowing the past disease bs, oh like money gone, credit gone, vehicle gone... bother me.

Ya know how they can say the most ignorant/selfish stuff, and ya gotta say, "hey, the last five frigging years ALL my tax returns are going to pay YOUR debts!"

I mean like our son bought his truck. OH he will freak. I woulda gave it to him but my son knew I needed it.

Anyway I went to Goodwill for me, yes for me. Geez I bet a store donated some stuff people returned, I got me some cool Columbia hiking boots, some Merrille boots, great Birkenstocks too oh and some vanderbilt sandals. All looked new.

and a leather recliner chair and ottoman! scored today!! Was so much fun.

Of course found a few great pig things...of course

Then came home to four cats I took in as this womans husband has altzheimers and they needed to move to town. So I have their fat beautiful fixed babies.

She gave me a great donation and lots of stuff.

Estersue my 1200 pound pig made her feel right at home. She comes to see the visitors and just sits next to me like a dog as I put my arm around her.

lol then I went to pick my son up at the river bridge. He floated in his kayak down the river to my house. Just did it alone this time. I am so proud of him liking his own company.

I told him to take me next time. We, my son and daughter and I rafted all over the place around here. Was so much fun.

It is a great anti stressor as you cannot do anything but float on down. Ya can't just say ok thats enough of that. Becuz the river is thru huge huge areas of farm land, no houses or roads.

So you have to relax. Ya take survival stuff too. Of course I had to tell him to please where a life jacket..."OH MOM, like I don't know that!" Well for petes sake he is only 30 uno lol

so I did for me and it feels good. oh maybe someday soon I will get to kiss and be kissed by my husband. I would be happy with even one day with him like this. He still makes me get all excited inside and makes me feel so womanly.

I have loved him in every way since I was 17. He is the one, will always be the one. I am so glad I am comfy with him going away or being here. Took a long time. Have to accept him as is. Does not mean I have to live with him.

sigh. Alanon helped me to grow up, but it also helped me not to lose my child like wonder and ways. I still like to rock my chickens in the hammock and kiss my pigs snouters...

Hope you guys are finding some joy in this madness. Ya gottta!!  Hp has it there, right there, as simple as a walk out the door.

love,debilyn sitting in her new to her, used leather recliner