Feeling awful - Al-Anon Family Group

LALA1 · Member

Feeling awful

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Well Lala , alcoholism gives the word selfish a whole new meaning dosen't it? I would suggest that u don't check his phone messages it is "his" phone . Unless of course u want to keep getting hurt.

I know it's hard to trust again but I have learned that the person i really need to trust is myself . To start to believe what I am seeing and hearing . today I trust God and me period . I don't worry about what other peoples agendas are because I know if I continue to look after me I will be just fine.

I decide to day if it is going to be a good one not someone else. I hope uare attending f2f al anon meetings for yourself u need support from people who understand and can offer solutions cause u can bet that someone in that room has been where your at and can share their experience with you. Please take care of you. Louise

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

13th stepping is very common. I am so sorry you have been so hurt by this.

Maresie.

dori · Senior Member

Lala1,

Hi.I just wanted you to know been there and I know how hurt it feels and betrayed.I caught my ex a with someone he met at aa and he did move in with her and is still with her.I thought I was going to die I was a mess but though going to meetings getting a sponsor working the steps posting here and letting my Hp which is God to heal my heart .

Recently I went a metting where I knew she was the speaker and I was ok with it all.

I do not know what your husband will do or not but you are powerless and if you check his phone or not if he is going to cheat he will find a way.

Keep up the good stuff post here go to meetings look out for you finish school and know you deserve to be love and treated with knidness it has taken me 3 years just to get a glimpse of that so I didnt repeat it the same kind of man

I wish you the best it did bring a few tears as i read your post I know your pain ,I said a prayer for you after I read your post.

dori

SLS · Senior Member

Unfortunately, just because the A attends meetings does not mean that he/she is really in the program, much less recovery. I know how you are feeling all too well, and I am sorry that you are having to go through it.

My counselor told me that the behavior was not uncommon--the A turns to something or someone else so as to avoid having to really look at him or herself--much less all the of the damage that has been done at home. So, the alcoholic behavior continues--especially the lying (whether it is necessary or not). Additionally, even after sobriety, she said that it takes at least 20 months for the brain to "dry out" and for real, cognative thought processes to emerge--I had no idea!! I assumed (hoped, prayed) that as soon as he got sober, he would be "normal" and he would be emotionally, spiritually and physically whole. I had to learn the hard way that that is not how it works--not only was he still unhealthy, but so was I--maybe even more so now that he was sober and I could not blame his behavior on the drinking anymore.

I do know that MY recovery did not begin until I completely let go of my A, his recovery (or lack thereof), and his actions. When I finally understood that I have absolutely no control over what he does and who he does it with whether he is sober or not. And finally, I realized that I didn't want him here if I had to plead, beg, accuse, demand or in any way demean myself any more. I decided that whatever relationship we had, I wanted it to be REAL and if it couldn't be REAL then it wouldn't last anyway.

That doesn't mean that there aren't times when my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest--but, little by little, I learn how to get through those moments--and try to remember that, as my Grandmother used to say, "This too shall pass." And with the support of my sponsor and fellow Al-Anons, working the steps, reading (and counseling), I feel like I am truly in recovery and I am on the path to emotional, spiritual and physical health--with or without the A!! Hang in there--there is hope!!

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sweetie you keep going. I know it is hard. i did it in my late forties. fourties?

Anyway go to financial aid and check into it. There may be emergency help or?

You will make it. Take one day at a time.

You love him, of course it hurts you when the disease is so cruel.

I know for me, I teach others how to treat me. I won't take any bs. not any.

If it were me, no way would he be in the house or near me. no way. that breaks the bond for me big time.

Just sending you hugs and telling you to ignore his bs and I sure would not look for stuff. It will kill you. Pretend you do not care and sooner than your realize, you won't.

October will be here soon. Tell us how you are doing. I am so proud of you. love,debilyn

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I do believe A's get something out of "wedging" that is making us jealous. My a is all the time talking and praising his friends. I should know better than to listen to it.

If you are not in a position to leave, honor that, make a plan b whatever way you can. Don't beat yourself up because he is sick. He is the one not honoring the marriage you are not the one acting out. Don't take it on.

I think in some ways we in al-anon have to learn not to pick up the a's emotions. I don't pick up the A's rage, grief, mixed feelings anymore. They are his to deal with not mine. I have been addicted to trying to fix him. Now I am not. That doesn't mean I don't care. I do but I care more about me now. So don't pick up applies to me too. Don't pick up his stuff for me to deal with.

Maresie.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.