The material presented
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Yeh...so I didn't turn on MY phone all day. For the first time I've done this.
I was giving suggestions to another as to keep her phone off the hook..and something in my head said "Hey lady, why don't YOU try this for yourself??." Reading various posts on how they(our A-s) can be instrumental in helping us get caught up in the same old sick patterns made me actually FEEL different. I feel physically full and uncomfortable when there is an abundance of negativity. I lightened my load today.
I could never bring myself to keeping out of touch with him all day. If I was angry I would always come up with some ridiculous reason to call,though it was clear I had no intentions to do so early in the day before he went to work. It would be anything from "Um..be sure you pick up some milk." when we don't need any since there are two gallons in the cotton pickin' fridge anyway to "Did you try to call me because I haven't been next to my phone all day."(rolls eyes) as if I hadn't had the phone on my person all day...with the ringer set on 10.
I didn't do this out of spite. I've been doing well. I didn't check up on him before he went to work.He in turn(since he has a habit in 'running' away from the slightest sign of conflict) didn't even say good bye before he went to work. Hmm. Any other day I would have given him time to get on the highway and call to demand an answer(quietly mind you) as to why he would do such a thing. Not today. i went back to sleep. I got up,made sure my phone was off so I wouldn't be tempted to answer the phone because it felt more comforting to not be reminded of how tanked he probabley is by how he sounds than it felt lonely without his voice. I took that peace today and for the first time, do not regret the non-communication.
He's not home yet and that's fine. He will mention my not answering and I'm not in the mood to get into explanations especially if he's drunk. I have made it crystal clear about how depressing and stressful his drinking has become to me. If he is sober he will know better than to ask and if he is drunk(shrugs) I will make it clear that I don't want to discuss this until he's 'feeling' better.SIMPLE. It's the pouting silent treatment he will try to impose on ME as if I've done something wrong while he's trying to be civil that he'll apply.This is an old sick pattern also.Well boys and girls, if I don't go chasing him down apologizing for my distance or indulge in HIS comfort,forgetting my own, then he can't do that now can he? How am I going to miss someone when they've been on the other side of nowhere leaving me alone anyway?Amazing how much we actually help them treat us the way they feel they can.
If he is sober, I can keep a reasonable head. I can explain to him with loving concern what is bothering me..but man...I am truly sick of being the one screaming,crying,fretting and crying my point across to deaf ears. I'm tired of worrying that I'm going to send him into a mode where he reaches out to old girlfreinds,drinks more..this crap or that imagined crap..I'm through. God knows he doesn't act right when he drinks with me on top of him ANYWAY!!!! (chuckle) crrrrazy stuff.
Look at this.You folks gave me stronger legs.Now THAT is worth communicating about. Keep writing everybody.Ram
Thank you for your positive post. You inspire me. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for wanting that phone so close, and my AH runs too, running a lot lately. Not connecting at all. Why do I waste my time worrying?
Thank you and good luck and love to you in your strength today. I admire you!
such strength, confidence and conviction I hear in your post. awesome. now here's the test (tee hee hee) how did you do today? do you feel better? that's why i keep my program. because it helps me so much. i hope you feel/see the difference.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
heck I was feeling pretty,pretty good. Ususally it would be a nagging inclination in the pit of my stomach to NEED to know how drunk he is.I would have to know if any of his exes called him today and what was said.It used to be an opportunity for me to try to make him feel guilty for being drunk. Maria...it felt so good to not call I was a bit disappointed when my son said A called him and needed a call back. Welll....not wishing to create a bitter mountain out of a boundary setting molehill I called and asked what he needed. he was just letting me know he was working a bit late and would be on his way home.He was drunk. I got off the phone and that was that.I fixed his meal,he came home...no words were spoken..he looked at me a bit astonished (gave my shoulders a squeeze) and I disappeared into the nursery before any tears had any chances of giving me away.
I felt liberated. I'm still too angry and bone tired to go back to my old behaviour to feel otherwise.
DAMN! Just this moment my son gave me money to give to the A that was borrowed Sunday. I reluctantly went to the bedroom handed the money over and you what I said?"Here's the money_______ borrowed from you Sunday..if you don't remember." he was a bit insulted and said "I DO remember." I said 'good'. See? I think for his sake (a spare from my built up resentment) and whatever good it'll do me..this non phone thing is a safe way to start changing things.Who knows. thanks for the comments.
Ramz, the conviction and strength in you post is not only AWESOME, but awe-inspiring. I'm coming to some of those same realizations myself, that even though I know I'm not wrong, not at fault for his behavior, I always have to make the phone call or initiate conversation just to gauge his mood, all as a means to calm my own nerves.
That squeeze of your shoulders...I wonder if that meant that your not answering your phone scared him? I've noticed that in just two days, my attitude towards my A is changing and he can certainly sense it. It's making him uncertain and I believe inwardly he feels threatened by that, even if he's unaware of it himself yet. The fact that you--and I, in my own small, baby-step way--are showing a little power in beginning to detach, is unsettling for them. Maybe I"m not conveying the message I want the way I want to, but I felt a surge of pride at your post. Stay strong!
thanks coffeebean...I needed that comment. It's later on in the night.He is asleep and I sat on the porch and felt so alone (my signal to jump online). For a small moment in time I wanted to go in and hold him and let him know I love him. He knows in his heart. He knows. I had to refocus on what is best. We're expecting a baby by the end of next month and there is no way I can try to take care of a grown man. I've become so much stronger in the past years and have to stand by my guns. We all do. He'll either get it or he won't. The squeeze of the shoulders was a tender acknowledgement from him that he loves me and was meant to open an avenue for conversation.(sigh). It's a conversation which will only make sense 1/2 of the time and meant to cover up any unpleasantries visited in the recent past days;kind of like throwing a threadbare rug over a water rotted floor-everyone knows it is there but everyone pretends it's not there. Not for me anymore.Thanks
Oh, Ramz....I so much feel for you. A lot of what you describe is applicable to my own situation, my own husband. Right now, I'm fielding a lot of guilt because I have finally come to realize that I can no longer live like this. I'm miserable, depressed. It's apparent he is, too, but I cannot find any sympathy for him right now. I have two children to think of, what's best for them, am I hurting them in ways that aren't visible to me? I hurt for you, as I hurt for myself and everyone else whose lives are turned so upside down by their A's. Living it day to day is difficult enough, but to be pregnant and to feel so alone.......how about I do the crying for you tonight? lol I've become quite proficient at crying lately.
I seem incapable of doing much for myself, other than reading here and posting here, so I certainly am unable to do much for you, but the thought is there and maybe I can project that to you. I'm very maudlin tonight, I'm sorry.
I wish you a restive night's sleep and I hope your weekend brings you some pleasure. I hope I haven't added to your stress tonight. I'm just learning.....I've ONLY just begun!
Congratulations on not doing the 'phone thing'! I remember like it was yesterday the first time a member suggested that I pull the phone from the wall so I didn't have to be woken by my A's very early morning 'come rescue me' or 'talk to me as nobody else will' calls. I remember being astounded that it had never occured to me. I felt compelled to take those calls. I also used to phone and try to gauge his level of drunkeness and project a million different outcomes and of course what actually happened was the million-and-1st. I used to think forewarned was forearmed. When I stopped participating in the insanity and the obsession I found it very liberating. I had to retrain my thinking and my responses. I did not ignore his calls to punish him, I just finally accepted when it would serve no purpose to be in discussion with him.
In time, I read that my mood did not have to be dependent on his, if he was having a bad day I wasn't obliged to have one too. It was okay for me to find happiness in my life even though he was suffering. I believe now that I don't lose my serenity, I give it away. I learnt to value it and have to work at maintaining it. Detachment was something I had to practice over and over. ''We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit' Aristotle C2C pg46 and detachment with love was an unknown concept for me. Pg22 in C2C really helped me to understand better ''Detachment is not isolation, nor should it remain focused on not enabling the sick behaviour of the past. Detachment is not a wall; it is a bridge across which the Al-Anon may begin a new approach to life and relationships generally.'' Al-Anon: Family Treatment Tool in Alcoholism.
Finally, a long time member told me I should be a willow tree. I though she was off her rocker! She explained that a willow tree is flexible and less likely to be broken or ripped up in a storm. It bends and gives rather than resists solidly. I love the analogy now and have people in fits of laughter when feeling stressed I down tools and prance about waving my arms saying 'I am a willow tree, I bend not break'. I realise that sounds utterly crazy but it's a fantastic stress-buster. Obviously, my circumstances are different today but the mental image worked well for me when I was in the midst of active alcoholism.
I wish you well with your pregnancy and congratulate you again on changing your attitude. Take good care of yourself and baby bump.
