I feel the need to vent a little bit; I hope nobody minds.  I have been thinking today (brain cells are on major overload) about how alcoholism has always been a part of my life.  My biological father was an alcoholic.  My step-father was/is an alcoholic.  My uncle was an alcoholic.  I had an aunt who died from liver complications due to alcoholism.  Several friends during my teenage years were alcoholics--whether or not they still are is unknown to me.  My husband is an alcoholic.  Both of his parents were alcoholics.  Both of his brothers are alcoholics.  One of his brothers is suffering liver damage and has been told by his doctor that to have one drink will kill him.  Three of my neighbors are alcoholics.  Has it always been so prevalent in everyone's lives?  How can it be that at 41 years old I am  only now becoming aware of the affects everyone else's alcoholism has had on me?  Did I have blinders on?  Did I simply choose too ignore it? How on Earth was I able to escape the same fate? Will I be able to steer my children in the right direction?

I've only started posting here yesterday, but I have spent the last week or so reading through the message boards, getting tons of information and loads of inspiration.  I was reading the Step Work board this morning and I realized I need to be there, as well.  I only came to understand how unmanageable my life is at this point.  I despair of ever being completely free from alcoholism and its affects.

I haven't yet told my husband that I've been spending so much time here at this website.  I'm unsure what his reaction would be.  He proudly admits to being an alcoholic.  I will spare you all the ugly details of my story, but suffice it to say that I have had enough.  More often than not, I picture my future without him in it.  Oh, if only that were possible!  This love/hate relationship I have with him is so much more than mentally draining.

Last night, after he had gotten well and truly drunk, he informed me that he knew I was visiting this site that last week. He has this infuriating habit of checking my web history and cookies.  As if I'm hiding anything?  He wasn't able to read anything I might have posted as he didn't know my user name and password and he did ask me for those.  I refused to give it to him.  I don't know why.  Anything I've posted here is nothing I haven't spoken to him about at one time or another.  Maybe I'm grasping for ONE small area of control in my life?  Whatever. 

I tried to explain to him that it was time I searched out some help for myself considering he has no ambition to help himself.  Why, oh, WHY did I think I could have a coherent conversation with him?  He said he was pissed off when he realized it was an Alanon site.  He didn't think I needed to be speaking--in any form--to anybody about his drinking.  After all, he's not hurting anyone by getting falling down drunk every night.  The kids and I are provided for and he deserves it after working hard all day.  He's not abusive, he's at home, not out with the guys or out whoring around..I get so disgusted hearing this all the time.  I'm sure a lot of you have heard the same things.

As I said earlier, I envision a life without him and without the disease and the complications that go along with it.  The last year has been a difficult one for me as I find that I have no compassion, no sympathy, no LOVE left for him.  I feel completely apathetic towards him and I have to struggle every day through my anger to be civil to him, even on those few, short occassions he's sober.  I can't see the good in him anymore through the veil of anger and hurt.  I feel guilty for feeling this way.  As he's abandoned me emotionally, I feel as if I've abandoned him in just NOT CARING.  Well, obviously I do care if I'm thinking about all this.  I am fairly certain that even if he wanted to sober up, if he could sober up, if he DID sober up, I still wouldn't want to stay in this marriage.  I realize he has his demons and his problems, but I can't dredge up an iota of understanding.  I feel pity for him, disgust and the disappointment--well, you all can relate. 

So I'm sitting here this afternoon, muddling through all these emotions and I have this idea that maybe I should call him, see if he wants to have lunch.  We haven't done that in too many years to count.  I can't explain WHY I feel I should do this.  Everything in me balks at the idea.  I think I've become so conditioned to not LIKING him anymore and not wanting to spend any time with him, that I"m confused as to why that thought would even enter my head.  Does that make sense??  Even if I did make the attempt and he accepted, no sooner did we get to a diner and he ordered his beer, I'd get angry.  So, ultimately, I've decided not to make the effort.  I will not call him, I will not ask him to have lunch with me.  I just won't.  Then I feel angrier because even that small gesture, what would typically be a pleasureable thing for most couples, has been taken away because I can't stand to see him drinking.  *sigh*  It's such a vicious cycle.  And all this because I decided to THINK today? 

It's Friday, which means the weekend is looming.  That means he'll get up early in the morning and either go out somewhere or stay here, whichever suits him.  If he stays home, he'll attempt to keep himself busy in his garage or start a project he'll never finish.  Inevitably he'll start drinking.  By 4:00 he'll be passed out, sleep it off for four or five hours, awake at 8 or 9 and start again.  By midnight, he'll have drank enough to pass out twice in one day.  Maybe I'll find something the kids and I can do that will take us away from here for a while. 

Thank you for letting me release that.  I know it's long, boring, nonsensical and non-diretional, but I do feel better for the writing, even if it's only for a little while.

Have a great day, everyone.