Where do I start - Al-Anon Family Group

bugs39 · Member

Where do I start

CoffeeBean3 · Veteran Member

Hello, Bugs. I am new here, also and reading your post, there seem to be a lot of similarities between your situation and my own. I can't advise you; I'm only starting out myself learning that I have to take care of myself. My husband is an alcoholic and he gets drunk on a daily basis. He believes his drinking causes no problems because he goes to work every day--which he does; he owns his own business--and since he's not abusive in any way, he feels I shouldn't complain. Well, I'm at the point that I"m ready to start complaining. It's not a healthy life for myself or my children (ages 13 and 11) and it certainly isn't healthy for my husband. Unfortunately, I cannot control his alcoholism. I have to accept that he' s not going to change. What bothered me the most reading your post is when you said that your husband blames you for his drinking. DON'T BUY INTO THAT!!! I've been told that also and it took me a while to realize what a crock that was. He needs to blame somebody, so who better than the one who is most affected by his drinking? YOU do not cause your husband to drink, you are NOT to blame. Please don't listen to that crap.

The only words of wisdom I can give you is to keep coming here. I've only started posting today, but I've been reading the message boards for more than a week. Knowing that there is support and a place to vent where other people not only understand, but live the same circumstances we do, goes a long way to make you feel better. I'll be thinking of you.

Carol

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Bug , you have already started recovery u found this site . If there are al anon meetings in your area I would strongly suggest that u start attending wether he is still drinking or not we too need to recovery from this damn disease/ you will hear often that sobriety is not the answer to al of our problems ,but it helps hehe.

the trust takes along time to come back , and there is so much anger inside us for as u say the lies the broken promises etc once settled in this program u will be able to talk them out with people who have been where your at and they will share how they got thru it.

And most alcoholics seem to think that they are sober so what in hell is our problem anyway. NOT !!!!!!!!!!!

goodluck Louise

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Bugs,
Welcome, i'm glad you've found this site. It was a great help to me and I'm sure can be to you to.

I'm going through a breakup myself at the moment, although he keeps coming back! I have been persuaded and manipulated and often couldn't see the wood for the trees.

Absolutely, you are not to blame for his chosing to drink. He makes his own decisions....I definitely cannot tell an A what to do...can you?

You didn't cause, you can't control it, and you can't change it. I've tried all of those things over and over again. I now know I never could and I never will.

Now I'm learning to detatch with love. The worry keeps trying to creep in though. And I keep pushing it away beacause I know it is negative. There is no good that can come from it.

Why should I give my energy away to worry. I don't see the point.

I know an A who doesn't drink. He's not sober though. He still has all the behaviours of an activeA. This is because he is not working any real recovery programme,and is still in the grips of this insidious disease. He is not a bad person, just a sick person. I try to remember this every day. Sometimes I struggle with this because I too am sick...and am here trying to find my own recovery.

But, I can't chose to do this for him. I can only chose my own way.....
It took me a long time to realise this. I hope you are not as hard on yourself as I was on me.

Keep comin back Bugs,
There is genuine support and love here,
AM

ollie · Veteran Member

Hi Bugs,

I too am new to this site,so can offer you no advise as i am trying to learn myself,i also got the blame for his drinking,when i find bottles and cans he used to argue and say they were mine,it always took 3 days of argueing before he would admit to them,then the whole process would start again.this went on for 3yrs in the end i forced him out,we had been married 36yrs.

Just keep coming back and learning ,it has so much helped me to come to terms with what has been a nightmare

knowing there are people out there who totally understand has given me the strength and the will to carry on.

((((big hug)))))

ollie

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Bugs,

It is really hard to let go of the resentment and build the trust again. I know as far as the trust issue goes it will never be re-built in my relationship I will always be waiting for the slip up. All I can say is don't get caught up in the empty promises. If he chooses to give up drinking and smoking he is the only one who is in a position to accept responsibility for those choices. You need to get yourself a hobby or something that allows you to focus on your own needs. Being the detective is very emotionally draining and I have found it does not change their drinking probably just the places they hide it in lol. Remember that you are a good person and a terrific mother I am sure. Keep posting we are here for you anytime. Luv Leo xxx

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate a great deal. I have only been in Al-anon 6 months. Things are much much better for me. Did the A change, not one iota. Do I still have arguments - yes - but I no longer fall apart from them. Most of all I take it one day at a time to get better. It does indeed get better.

Maresie.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.