Man, I decided to break part of a sticky little pattern of checking up on him. It's gonna sound silly but I've gotten in the habit of checking on whether his light is on early in the morning under his door. The earlier he gets up (let's say..5:30) the worse he is and though he drinks every day..THOSE days will be worse. I sleep in the new nursery now because it's been a hard pregnancy so I don't sleep in our room together anymore. I closed one eye waddling to the bathroom and closed the other on my way back so I wouldn't be pissed or sad looking at that strip of light. I have to chuckle.As much as I hate his behaviour of starting so early in the morning,I have done the same crap but my behaviour involves a hands-on-hip,accusatory glare in the bedroom as if THAT's gonna set the poor guy straight.

I slept into the afternoon and I kept the phone OFF. I got up and read all of your replies to my bull headed post and you folks gave me priceless vibes. It's one thing to know that I'm acting in a wrong vein,but it helps buckets to know I am forgiven and not alone,you know? I'm not alone.

As far as my overwhelming insistance as of late to bug him I would also say it's been a stretch to 'mind my own business' since he works on patients drinking and drives drunk every day.It's not just me.Pffaw...then I get to justifying everything from interfereing because he pisses store clerks off to bla bla bla.

HEY!!!!!!! Thank you. I found a little more courage to keep my head straight today. He just called and ,as always when we have our half-in-reality-half-out disagreements, was a bit tentative and darn it if he doesn't try to speak slower so I "can't detect" his level of drunkeness.He was also feeling around to see if I was still angry. For the first time in days I did NOT ask if he called a center. I did not ask in a sarcastic tone what time he got up. He just recieved new meds for an underactive thyroid yesterday and mentioned taking them. You guys know, I'm sure of this, that I wanted to drill in his head that drinking on top of his thyroid treatment can counter the meds. I did not.I however did say I hope he realizes he needs to readjust his diet or else the meds will be for naught. It didn't come from a nagging space..I do sincerely care. Not hearing a reprimanding word he relaxed and let me know how his day was going. He is fairly cooked but I kept my tone steady as I stared at the message board in front of me. Tears crept to my eyes as I realized (while on the phone with him) you who posted to my topic cared enough to 'stop by' and I really don't have to stay isolated with him on our island of dysfunction.

I DID write him a letter last night. I felt so bad for coming down on him I needed to let him know that despite my actions he needs to know I appreciate all that he does do and I wish him the best. As I have before,as an A myself, dealt with many people trying to cut me down or berate me in my addiction. It's a lonely space..that we put ourselves into and it does take a strong,non-abusing love to help us on the way...IF we choose to do something about it.It sure helps to have a hot meal waiting for you when you come in out of the blizzard you threw yourself into.In the meantime I need to warm my own toes in a safe place and just pray he comes around before he freezes to death...

As far as the writing reference I also write my feeling through poetry and since he has an interest in my craft..that insures that if he didn't get something the first time..he always re-reads them (as well as my many notes).

Gee whiz..I just realized THIS board is quite possibley the BEST place to write anything if writing has to be done.

{{{{{{{{everyone}}}}}}}}}} ram.