7-6-06

Sigh. It’s the A.M. I prayed before I read my readers. Sometimes I get the entire entry—and it becomes revelation—and other times I feel like saying “who cares.” I’m still gonna do my best here.  

Daily Affirmations:

Balance and discipline. Ok, ok, ok—discipline? Got it. Got it hardcore. I am so discipline I could be a monk! Lemme tell ya. It’s balance that is the life-long struggle.

So, when I was young, I hated school. I never fit in. As a matter of fact, I was in a program where the bad kids go: School Within A School. In the basement of the school. Nice. I eventually dropped out of school at 17 years old. I wasn’t any good at it anyway. I eventually went back to an adult school and graduated 3 years later. I was able to study on my own time, go to class on my own time, and take tests on my own time. I graduated on my own time. I had to practice discipline in order to focus on my large task. I finished the diploma and still felt like a failure.

Sad.

I had been drinking booze and smoking marijuana since I was 17—at that point. That messed me up—lots of promiscuity, pain. I ended up in therapy, which led me to A.A. at 19. I was sober for 1 year after that. I grew to realize that I abused chemicals, not addicted to them. I started to get drunk again 6 months after I turned 21. I was in beauty school, following in my mother’s foot steps. She said she would pay for it. I quit that too. Another failure.

So, my depression and self-esteem dropped even lower. I worked at a medical lab in a clean-room atmosphere for one year before my depression hit bottom. I pictured the rest of my life working in the clean-room. I cried and cried and cried. I was making 8 bucks an hour and working 10 to 12 hours a day. I was 22 years old. I quit. Another failure.

Here’s the turn-around.

I drove to the community college. I enrolled in the community college. When I told my alcoholic step-father, he ridiculed me. Nice. He never liked me. He never liked himself.

Anyway, so back to discipline. I got another part-time job as a hotel housekeeper. I kicked butt in college. My grades were awesome! I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa my first semester and Psi Beta (psychology honors). I made sure that I graduated with a GPA that was high enough to get me in to any college of my choice. I focused so hard on school that I… felt isolated, lost, fat, disconnected. But I was smart (and disciplined), so who cares. I was never smart before—I was actually on the “smartest-people-in-college” list. I took an IQ test on the internet (which are not valid) and so did my step-dad. My score was a point under his, if I remember correctly. He didn’t like that at all. He put me in my place, of course. (He’s alcoholic—that’s what they do.) Even though it wasn’t valid, it was to me.

So discipline, I have experienced that. I have also lost 120 pounds. That takes discipline. I know how to be “disciplined.”

So, balance? Argh. I’m extreme. I like to call it passionate. When I accomplish tasks, I do complete them to the fullest. I have met goals. I have made art. I am goal oriented. I just need help in the area of my relationships. No balance there. Growing up, I was either disclosing info to people who I didn’t know at all, or I became part of the wall, if “close” people were around. No consistency. No balance. No understanding. All of my life I have been a fat freak who … Sigh. I lived the life that “fat freaks” live. I had a physical shell. No one wants to be close to fat people. Fat people are safe in their fat. Eating feels good. It has always soothed the pains of childhood. Food has always stuffed the mouth of that crying little girl inside of me. I was out of control, fat, hurting, and had a brilliant intellect.

I’m hoping the tools of al-anon will help me bring balance into my life. It’s a huge point for me.

Today, I still struggle with disclosing inappropriate information to people. Now that I am working on this alcoholic/codependent crap, I feel like I’m fumbling around in a dark room. Yeah, I still disclose to the wrong people. I’m BETTER, but still doing it. I don’t beat myself up though. I’m learning. Besides, I might be helping someone else in a way that I don’t know.

I’m saturating my life, my mind, my heart with al-anon stuff so I can … I don’t know. I just feel like this is where my mind, body, and soul needs to be. God has a plan. I give in totally. When I’ve tried running my own life, only pure dissatisfaction is the result. That’s just the way it’s been all my life. God is good, even when I feel like I am not.

I have a meeting tonight. Sigh. I think I need one. My heart is heavy now that I’ve journaled on my childhood. It’s in the past, I know. The reality is this: I am a beautiful, smart, happy, child of God. I have safe places to go. I have friends who care. I am not alone. I know where to go. God is good. God has planned every day of my life, so I am able to just be nice to others and carry out His Will. Sigh. Ok, sounds good. Grounding myself in reality—try that! It’s a therapeutic tactic I learned in college. It took time to be able bring myself back out of the funk after I have been there for a visit.

I feel like I had therapy. Wait, I did. This is what I do for therapy. Hah!

Okay – open journal.

 As though I didn’t already journal openly already? See, chaos. Balance? Where’s the balance? HAH!

Okay, so tonight I go to my Al-Anon meeting with my Sweetie . We split up, of course. I’m staying over night—going to work from his place on Friday. I also work Saturday at the gas station. I have Sunday off.

Oh!! I shared with my Sweetie what I learned about myself yesterday during my journal—that I felt somehow responsible for his sobriety, sort of territorial towards Mr. S from the BBQ. He said he told me that he didn’t feel weird about the comment. He figured that I might have to explore—to look at myself—he was pretty good with me. I share all that stuff with him. I want us to be in a successful, open, and loving relationship. If I can’t share what I am learning about myself (considering my relationship with him), I will die inside. That’s just how I feel, think. So, I told him that I wanted him to get other support because I couldn’t do it all, I couldn’t do any of it—actually. I feel like I grew yesterday. I am different today. I am that much more mature. J Praise God.

Ok, time to go shower and get ready for work. I see three clients today. I will not push my beliefs on them in case of hindering their growth process. I will be mindful of keeping balance and discipline. …until I learn the tools to stay balanced, I will repeat the word “balance” obsessively for the next 6 hours. HAH! That’s funny! I’m disciplined, I can do it! Teehee…

Ok.

…Wizkid signing off.