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he had been doing so well. consistant in his visitation - 9 hours a week that we mutually agreed on. (he was only abstaining, not working towards sobriety, not interested in recovery . . . i knew it's be a matter of time before he was binging again.)
he's finally stopped drinking today after 5 days of binging. and his next visit is tomorrow. i wonder if 1.5 days sober is enough time to be able to take our kids into his care (for 4 hours).
after he skipped (no calls, no advance notice, he was drunk and decided to drive up north) last weekends visit, i told him he could no longer visit with them during the weekends. what do you think about this consequence? brutal honesty appreciated. thanks.
Our children depend on us to keep them safe, they are our first priority . Unfortunatley I was not as aware as u are now and my children were at risk many times. (makes me sick to think about that ) Just follow your gut if he is sober fine , if y ou suspect he is drinking no . I don't know how old your children are but if old enough teach them your phone number and reasure them if dad drinks and they are afraid that you will at any time come and get them. Louise
I try to examine my motives, in order to know if something is OK. Am I trying to punish, to "Teach a lesson"? If so, it is probably not a good idea. Am I trying to take care of myself and my children, and hold onto my boundaries of what I will and will not accept? Then it mostly works out all right. The main thing I would be thinking about now is the children's safety. If you feel good on that score, then there is no point in 'punishing' him for missing out on the weekend - he is probably punishing himself just fine.
Your children have a right to a relationship with their dad, as he IS, even if what he is is a drunk. You have a responsibility to not put them in a scary or unsafe situation. These are the things that really matter, here.
I had gone through the same with my child’s A parent during visitation.
The court let the A have visitation, I had many sleepless nights full of anxiety and what if’s –this is one thing that brought me to al-anon.
Not an easy decision, but it got better as I got stronger.
I am sure you are aware of the consequences and he may as well. If you meant it and aren’t taking your words back then that is a clear boundary for your family, a boundary is quite different then an ultimatum
My child’s father hasn’t seen him in eight months now but when he did I made sure I got to a meeting for me.
I try to examine my motives, in order to know if something is OK. Am I trying to punish, to "Teach a lesson"? If so, it is probably not a good idea. Am I trying to take care of myself and my children, and hold onto my boundaries of what I will and will not accept? Then it mostly works out all right. The main thing I would be thinking about now is the children's safety. If you feel good on that score, then there is no point in 'punishing' him for missing out on the weekend - he is probably punishing himself just fine. Your children have a right to a relationship with their dad, as he IS, even if what he is is a drunk. You have a responsibility to not put them in a scary or unsafe situation. These are the things that really matter, here.
so many people so do not understand this. my kids' dad is a drunk and my kids need him.
yes i am angry. not for myself but for my kids. i called him tonight and said no more visiting what so ever at all. i'm such an idiot. i said it in anger.
i'll probably call tomorrow and 'makeup'. i feel like a weakling. i'm still trying to exercise something over him that i don't have. i have no power over him. i can't punish him.
I also went through this with my violent and abusive EX.
What I did was just not let him see her at all, period, and told him if he did not like it to see a judge and have him make arrangements.
I don't feel guilty for this either. Besides the danger of drunk driving, you have the danger of your children being unsupervised while a drunk is responsible for them BESIDES the fact that your children are much more likely to be the victims of either physical or sexual abuse in an active addicts home. AND, lets not even go there to an addicts often creepy out of control friends who have no ties to your children at all and are much more likely to abuse them in all kinds of ways while drunk dad is knocked out...
Anyway, as long as it was up to me, I refused to allow my daughter to be in an unsafe environment.
Now, my EX did go to the judge and get visitation, but never followed up on it. I guess not having me to call and harrass and haggle with and stuff took all of the fun out of it.
Either way, what I did was NEVER allow my child to be with a sick addict if I had a choice. But you must follow the law on visitation or you can lose custody.
So, if you have to, if there is a court order, let them go for that amount of time, with a clean conscience, train them to call you if needed, pray and hope for the best. Most likely, in a court ordered FORMAL setting drunks try to stay sober and behave, as they know the court is still in jurisdiction.
It is these informal situations, where the drunk feels more comfortable being irresponsible. Also you have the added componant of the "control" feature, they resent it and you feel too tempted to use it out of anger and the kids are caught in the middle.
It is always best to settle things peacefully between two responsible adults, but I have found that it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE with an alcoholic! That is why the courts are there...to make this doable. So take advantage of it...
