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Feels like a Monday to me today. The last couple of days I have maintained a good lighthearted attitude, even when my A gave me an attitude. I guess I'm faking it until I make it. I've been keeping busy with the kids, family, friends, and researching this side business; which looks like it will be more involved than I expected. (Isn't that what happens with everything in life). I'm struggling right now with my attitude towards parenting. Today I don't really feel like a good mom.
My friend was visiting us from out of town and she got a chance to witness what goes on in our house on a daily basis. She witnessed my A waking up, emerging from the bedroom not greeting his kids good morning just going to the kitchen. Then coming into the bathroom while I'm in the shower saying why didn't you make me breakfast. Basically I said you were sleeping so go make yourself some breakfast. He didn't like that, so he goes back into the living room where the kids are. I get out of the shower and hear one of my kids crying, I peek out and ask what happened, he says "I popped him one". I asked why, he had some lame excuse and then basically said, " I'm disciplining my child". I said " No your taking your frustration out on the kids because your mad you didn't get breakfast". Of course he doesn't own up to this. So I have the kids come into my room to keep them away from the A. Meanwhile my friend is listening to this in the other bathroom and decides she needs to leave for a while because she doesn't want to be around the fighting. I don't blame her. I try to sheild my kids from his temper and agitation but it doesn't always work. I also am losing patience quicker as well because I've stopped delegating responsibilities out to him. I feel bad when I yell at my kids for something they've done. I don't want them to feel that inconsistency from both of us.
My A's moods go from happy to one day to get away from me so I can do my own thing the next. I can't stop the hurt they feel or will feel from his behavior as a father, and I want desperately to pick up the pieces and play with them and show them that there is a reliable loving patient parent that will protect you. I feel like when I get angry and yell that I'm being too hard on them. Balance is difficult... and I've really tipped the scales the wrong way in the last couple of weeks. I'm really working hard to get it back and planning fun things for us to do to get away from the grumpy A. Is this just placating them? Am I avoiding the real issues here? Am I screwing them up even more? These thoughts put a great deal of worry and anxiety upon my heart everyday. Thanks for listening
Twinmom~
-- Edited by twinmom2 at 09:53, 2006-07-05
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Is this just placating them? Am I avoiding the real issues here? Am I screwing them up even more? These thoughts put a great deal of worry and anxiety upon my heart everyday.
I ask myself those same questions just about everyday. And all I can say is that I don't have the answers. I pray to my HP, continually about this, and just know that I am doing the best I can with what I have.
Just know that you are not alone.
Yours In Recovery,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I have been there and I am still working it many ways. We no longer live with the A, though every other weekend and such the A’s behavior was just like that you wrote which then got me reacting, the cycle continued.
What I have learned from this is my child is better off if I have taken care of me. If I am anxious, nervous, stressed it comes out nonetheless. I try to make up for things and I am trying to force serenity for the sake of child.
I now find when I step back and breathe say the serenity prayer instead of counting to ten etc really does work. If I am relaxed and calm I am more likely not to feed into the problem.
You are aware of your actions and you can tend to them which is good, imo. I would say be easy on you. Perhaps you can take a time out for you -doing something real nice for you starting right now.
I can make better decisions when I am not undoing and reacting for the A’s actions. I was very guilty of overcompensating to a fault with the child and that backfired as well. The other thing I did, was get him to Alateen.
wishes, tea
PS, re; the saftey first, imo you did well with the quick thinking.
I now find when I step back and breathe say the serenity prayer instead of counting to ten etc really does work. If I am relaxed and calm I am more likely not to feed into the problem.
I agree with this absolutely. That moment of calm helps me know when I need to interfere, and when it is something that I can let go.
I always tried to interpose myself between the A and the kids, and looking back, it was mostly a mistake. I was always so worried that he would be abusive to them, as he was to me. The reality, though, is that he very seldom was hard on the kids (maybe because he didn't see them much, he was either out working or out drinking, but still...) When I look back on things, honestly, the one who was screaming at those kids, and smacking them, was me. I put myself under such stress trying to keep things perfect when the A was home, that the moment he was out the door, I fele apart, and it wasn't pretty.
They are teens now, and since I have gotten into the program I have talked with them about this several times. (My son says it's OK, all I have to do to make it up to him is to buy him everything he ever wants from now on Ha Ha). I figure the best amends is to be as honest as I can, let them know how much it was not their fault, and try to be as even as I can now. I bite my tongue and stay out of things between them and their dad, and he is learning the hard lessons on how to be a parent that I deprived him of years ago. We are both using our program tools as hard as we can in dealing with our kids, and I guess it is working - ours is the calmest home containing two teens that I know of (which isn't saying much, really, I know).
I struggled with those very same questions, and stayed "stuck in that argument" with myself, for many years... I'm sure I don't know the answer to your scenario, as I'm not even sure that I figured out the answer to my own... I will share, however, a story about an Al-Anon friend of mine, which reminds us of exactly "what" we may, indeed, be teaching our children (with both our actions and inactions)..... food for thought...
This lady has a great relationship with her two grown kids, 21 & 18. Her husband was a raging alcoholic - never physically violent with her or the kids, but very angry, agressive, and mean spirited. They basically lived on pins and needles, particularly when he was active... One day, a few months back, this lady was out for lunch with her daughter, and reflection on the past many years at home... She pondered "I hope you can see that I tried my best, and hopefully taught you about perseverence, loyalty, and dedication." Her daughter replied, matter of factly, and not in anger - "Mom, what you taught me is that it is okay to be treated like sh$t, disrespected, devalued, and it's best not to stand up for yourself. I know he's my Dad, and I will always love him as such, but there is NO excuse for the way he treated you or us during all those years, and it bugs the hell out of me that you didn't stand up for yourself, OR us."
So I dunno Mandy... this is just one story, but one that probably helped me find my ultimate decision, and the one that I believe to have finally been in the best interest of myself, and my children.
Hope that helps.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The last post is almost exactly what my grown son said to me just about a year ago. I remember a counselor telling me once that I should not come between my kids relationship with their dad that he can ruin that relationship all by himself but that I had a duty to protect them from physical harm. It is hard to feel like this. ((hugs))
Twinmom: I think there are lots of shoulds could have and might have been's there. Personally the fact that you are in Al-anon and learning about boundaries means a lot. I don't think anyone gets better overnight. I also think that all children will at some time be exposed to bullies, bad situations and problems. How do we deal with them. The fact that you moved your children out of the way of the A says a lot. I can understand your friend not wanting to be around and to witness it all. At the same time I am sure you have been honest with her and that you were hardly living in an ideal situation. My A puts on a great great face publicly. He would rarely show his bad side to me when there is someone around. He gets something out of it when I am rattled when he is around his friends.
I do think you are absolutely doing the best you can. You can't wave a magic wand and find some place else to move to and fix the A overnight. He is the parent too. I think sometimes we hold mothers in these elevated positions where we think they can solve everything and quick. They can't. The A is the parent too, he abdicates that role. I think we have to hold them accountable that they are not that much interested in parenting. I certainly know how it is to be around a moody, selfish, obnoxious self absorbed person. That's the A. He only thinks of himself that's it. The less he can do for others (unless they are in the elevated position of his friends) the better, he does not want to "give".
I am sad for your children that they have that. At the same time you did not go out and shop for the worst father your children could have. When you had children you were trying to have the best relationship you could. You saw the "good" in the A. I can still see the good in my A but its hard going sometimes.
I know I have a real tendency to beat myself up when actually I am doing the absolute best I can. I try hard each day to work this program, its not an easy program to work. I think it requres absolute honesty and that is difficult. I can't think of anyone I would want as a mother than someone in program, especially this program. I admire your honesty and tenacity tremendously.
