7-04-06

Good morning! I need new glasses. Sigh. Am I already complaining? I have been up since 5 am again. My Sweetie stayed the night – then we got up and went for a bike ride. 10.5 miles. It was awesome! Okay, yesterday I didn’t bike. Instead I went to the gym to swim with the mom.

Blah! I have to focus here. I actually did read.

Daily Affirmations ACoA:

Basically it was about declaring independence from our parents’ values and beliefs in life. Oh yeah, and declaring emotional independence. This was nice. Sometimes I feel like my mother thinks I’m stupid for wanting to work out a relationship with a man who is alcoholic. (She did it too.) Well, he is an alcoholic, but I love him! It’s not all that he is, however. …just tons of behaviors. Hah!

There have been times that I have told her that I don’t like sharing with her because she either lays down judgment or competes or is just critical of me. I told her that it was mean. (I actually yelled it at her through tears and shaking facial muscles and upper body.) I told her to stop.

I’m trying to figure life out after a childhood and adolescence of garbage and lies. I don’t need her to have an opinion on anything having to do with, about, near, or similar to my life. But I would like to have her in my life, after all she’s my mother and I actually have grown to like the person she is – just hate the critical behavior. I pray that I am not critical of my children if I am able to have them.

 Anyway—it’s nice to feel that freedom to pull away completely from her beliefs and rebuild my own system the way I want it; the way God wants it. I love my  Sweetie deeply. He’s such a smart, playful, tender, and talented man. I’m learning so much about what love is, how it works, and how it feels to give and receive. Why would I give that up?

Melody Beattie said that when we recycle (like relapse) we don’t end up at point A. We’re still in the learning process—still in the game. When I slip into my icky behaviors, I don’t like to think that I am at square one again. I’m more aware of reasons why I’m behaving that way. So is my Sweetie each time he drinks, or so he shares with me.

 So, my beliefs on love begin with me. Glory! They will be defined by the Bible and my experience. The truth.  

I have a little side-thought here. I knew my Sweetie had a drinking problem when we met, yet I kept talking with him. The thought crossed my mind that maybe God put him in my life to plant a seed, or to lead him to Christ. I wanted to show him love and guide him. Instead, I started thinking that my love could heal him. I think I began a mission. …a sick mission right into codependent behaviors.

Guess what? No way! My love cannot heal anyone; it can only create an atmosphere/safe environment for God to heal with His love. This is a belief I have. I don’t know if it’s separate from my mother's (going back to the daily reader). But, it’s freeing to believe that the lack of my love towards someone won’t cause someone damage. I am not so powerful as I may have thought previously. Okay, the end of daily reader 1.

 Hope for Today.

 Hope for me. Umm, today the reader was about sexuality, sensuality, intimacy. Sex is only a part of intimacy. Being intimate includes the couple sharing, laughing, crying, praying, touching, and hugging each other. 

Each time I see the word sex—I think of the color red and pornography. Dirty. I didn’t know that the reader would touch on that. I felt myself shut down so I wasn’t able to receive the message. Unbelievable. Then I grew frustrated that I was reading words but not comprehending what it was trying to say. I had to read several times and finally, in the quote from Sexual Intimacy and the Alcoholic Relationship, I was able to tune in. The quote mentioned that praying is an intimate act.

I feel intimate when me and my Sweetie pray together and hold hands. After I opened up to that thought, I was able to receive. Then I reread the page. This is what I got from it…

 First…  “I enjoy [intimacy] for a while, but then I start feeling like I’m losing myself in the other person.” I totally felt that way. I guess sometimes I still do. I don’t know if I can elaborate. I begin thinking about how he feels, rather than how I feel. That must be the twist in my thinking. Amazing Grace! I just felt myself grow a little bit. Next time I am cuddling and talking with my Sweetie, I will check-in with myself. Interesting.

 “Because affection was not easily expressed in my family, I often question my spontaneous inner urges to give someone a fond hug or kiss.” 

 Okay, I didn’t get hugs from my mother when I was growing up. I was 15 when I finally cried and screamed at her in the kitchen that she never hugged me. She began hugging me then. Her body felt weird to me. I remember how foreign hugging her felt to me. I don’t care as an adult--I hug her for long period of times. She pats my back and acts as though she wants to stop hugging, but I then I squeeze harder and then she drops her arms and laughs while I still hug her. It’s good now. My mother’s body doesn’t feel weird anymore.

Moving on ..Also: “I have some damaging perceptions about my body and its imperfections.”  Okay, two words—CHILDHOOD OBESITY. No hugs meant I needed more food to touch me, touch my throat, and touch the core of my body. I ate for every reason under the sun other than HUNGER! I was chubby at 10. I was overweight at 13 and fat at 15. In adulthood, I kept eating. I grew and grew and grew. I grew up to 265 pounds. I quit weighing myself. I knew the direction I was headed.

Wow, tangent. So, damaging perceptions? Shhhhyeah! I was fat, nonsexed, blob of no emotion or life. I was spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically dead. I was away from God. I didn’t feel like learning anything. I had no idea what emotion I was feeling, if I felt one. I saw an internist who told me that I was on the verge of having a heart attack—from obesity. I was morbidly obese. Sigh. Obese. I coped with my alcoholic family system by eating my way into obesity. So, instead of alcohol, my addiction was food.

Today?  It’s taken me the process of 5 years to finally lose 120 pounds. Damaging perceptions? You bet I still have them! I have extra skin that will never grow firm. I have damaged my body. I have scars. But by God, my heart is strong, I have great cholesterol levels, my muscles are toned, and I eat only when I’m hungry.

 This entry is long. I gotta close.

 So, I am independent from my mother’s beliefs and attitudes toward life events and people. I love God and He’s helped me on my journey to freedom. Al-anon is only another part of my journey. Recovery is a journey. I am still in obesity recovery at 150 pounds. I am just beginning my recovery from an alcoholic family system. This is life-long. I’m ready.  

Today is BBQ with sober people. My Sweetie invited me to the party that people from his A.A. invited him to. It’s our first outing to a specifically sober function. I am so excited for this. …and nervous. I’m normal. It’s a bunch of people I’ve never met before. I will remember that my belief system is in the process of being rebuilt. I will enjoy the new people I meet. And they will enjoy me (might be more important for me to remember.)

Wizkid Signing off…