The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, What should I do now? What's for the best?
Last week I had a big bust up with my Aboyfriend. I came to realise I deserved better and was not going to settle for bad treatment anymore.
He had been in rehab a few months ago but had had two relapses since. He wasn't working any recovery programme as far as I could see, and had started to hang around with his drinking buddies again. He went drinking and disappeared for two days, and we then had a bust up.
Anyway, after much persistance from him, I agreed to have a chat. We arranged to meet on mutual ground and I was very clear about what I had to say.
I told him there was no compromise to be had. I would not put myself in a position where drink and drugs (he smokes pot occasionally) were used. I explained that I was now working my own programme and my main priority was myself and whatever I needed to recover. He begged and pleaded with me. I told him that my decision was made I would not be around dring and drugs...final! Also I told him that being as I could see that he had no interest in recovery for himself, there was no way we would be together. I was very definite and clear.
He said that he wanted to get better, and that he would put plans in place eg rehab aftercare plan and meetings etc because he wanted to be sober. He was very remorseful. He said he would do whatever he had to do to ensure we had a life together. (I made it clear that his choice was a clean sober life...and maybe us together!....or his drink and drugs)
He argued that all he wanted was us together and he didn't want to be drinking. He said he hated it. He pleaded with me not to leave him.
Anyway after about three hours of this deliberation, I was completely drained. I said I would see what changes he would make and decide from there. He assured me I would be happy from now on.
We had a long chat the next day. He reassured me about this positivity and how life was going to improve. He spoke too about terrible things from his childhood that he had never opened up about before. I felt very close to him, and I know he trusts me and loves me in his own way. I thought he was moving forward, I hoped he was maybe.
Anyway, then he drank yesterday...with his buddies...they had been decorating a mates house together....cans of beer etc.....
He doesn't know I know...........I feel very cheated. I am angry. I am hurt....and very confused. I don't know whether to confront him or not.
"I told him there was no compromise to be had. I would not put myself in a position where drink and drugs (he smokes pot occasionally) were used. I explained that I was now working my own programme and my main priority was myself and whatever I needed to recover. "
Only you can decide what you need to do to recover. This is hard because what we need and what we want are usually two different things when with an alcoholic. My AH is in rehab now. I do not know what his future holds, but I have decided not to live with him while he is drinking. It is what I need to keep my sanity. What I want is my husband back, the guy who used to put his family first, not the drink. But what I need is my sanity!!!!!!!
Welcome annmarie. We cant' really tell you what to do. But from what I read, you have done what I woudl have donel...you set boundaries. You told him if he proved he could stay sober, you might consider taking him back. That's what my experience told me was best for me.
I totally relate to the promises that he made about wanted to not drink and then drinking. This has happened to me in my life my whole life...my dad's promises to my mother and the hubby's promises to me. How did I get past it? I read everything I could about alcoholism. I attended many open AA meetings. I learned how very strong that compulsion is. It helped me find compassion and understanding.
I met and married my hubby very quickly. It was from the frying pan into the fire...married 5 weeks after our first date. I did not KNOW his drinking problem was so bad until we were married. By then I figured I had made my bed and must lie in it. (and I also had too much pride to all my family to EVER say WE TOLD YOU SO!)
As I look back on the 37 years we have been married...I only see 2 years sober. Other attempts lasted no more than 90 days....most less than a week. If I had known he was an alcoholic, would I still ahve married him? If I had known the years of crying and misery I was in for at the beginning, would I have still married him? I honestly dont think so. And I am fairly sure if we'd had children, the kids and I would have been long gone many years ago.
So what should YOU do? for me staying worked OK. I have many more days today with him sober than I used to. For others....getting out early is what works. But is that what YOU want? YOU have to decide for yourself if he has proven he can stay sober. You have to decide for yourself if you want to deal with active alcoholism the rest of your life. We both know it is much easier to back out of an engagement than a marriage. Pray about it annmarie. Follow what YOUR heart and YOUR gut tell you is the best for you.
Stay true to yourself Ann, that's the best thing you can do.
I've been told so many times ~ never, never listen to an A (who has the best of intentions). Watch their feet (in other words Actions speak louder than words). In the meantime, I got on with getting on in my life.
Beautiful poem up above from Sarahlm about an A. It helps me learn to detach with love from A's. They are not wicked people. They have a disease. A disease that wants them more than life itself, a disease that is patient and lies waiting each and every day for them to come home. My experience has been that only with a true commitment (each and every day) to AA is their hope. All the wishes, intentions, words in the world mean nothing.
Keep coming ~ yours in recovery,
Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I hear you. Honor your feelings because they give us strength. My experience with my AH is that ultimatums don't work well. They don't have a lot of self control. But you do have to have boundaries to take care of yourself. Keep coming back.
I can see a bit clearer today. I know I need my sanity primarily, and I'm realising that actions speak much louder than words. I suppose I just had a problem trying to work out the "whys" of his behaviour...tried hard to make sense of it....he sounded so sincere....and I know I've been here before too. But now I'm learning. Now I see that there is no point really in trying to make it all fit - trying to make sense of it. I'm just accepting.
I've decided not to have a confrontation with him about this. I don't need the upset. I'm detatching with love, and letting him do what he has to do.
I know really we have no future together, and although this is just too sad to even try and explain, I know I have to make my own life now.
I have a long way to go in my own recovery. I have live under the influence of As for most of my life.
Thank you all for your support and for helping me to see.
!!