The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm finally ready to start sharing my story. I've been hanging around the last few days and couldn't get up the courage. So, here goes.
I'm in a relationship of 16 years, 12 of which we've been married. I've been in Alanon 14 years and he's sober 14 years, we have an 8 yr old daughter (love her to pieces). He's a kind, gentle man, good father, etc. From the outside, it looks great. Yet, I'm dying inside. I've decided that divorce is the only option. We've talked about it. He says he wants to stay married (he always says this) but nothing ever changes. The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's our life.
Everything and anything to do with our life, daughter, finances, friends, vacations, etc. is generated by ME. He doesn't take responsibility unless it's at my request. He somehow manages to make his own plans for the things he likes/wants to do so I KNOW he is capable. Some would say, "you have to ask to receive" but it's not that simple. There are some deeper issues revolving around intamacy that never get resolved because I refuse to take that on too. He says if "we" really want the marriage to work, "we" would do something. We've tried couseling in the past, and it works for awhile, but we end up in the same place eventually. I know that if I make the marriage counseling appts, he'll attend. But that's not enough anymore. I want him to bring some solutions but I can't hang onto the expectation that he's going to. He never has. At least in the dynamics of our current situation.
The hardest thing for me will be the hurt this will cause our daughter. She is strong, yet VERY dependent upon both of us. I cry just thinking about it. I would never want to cause her this kind of pain, but I cannot stay in a marriage just for her. In the end, it's not fair to her and I know that.
I just need to remember that my HP has a plan for me/us and that I will be ok no matter what. I know this just by looking at my life and how far my HP has brought me. It's just hard when I'm right smack in the middle of a very painful situation and the path isn't clear at the moment.
Welcome, Understand your feelings and will keep you in my prayers. It has bin suggested to work the program for at least 6 months to a year before making any big disions,Unless you are in danger.Best wishes love sharon/angel
FIRST OFF-ANYONE READING YOUR POST CAN FEEL THE PAIN AND HURT IN YOUR HEART---A LOT OF FOLKS HERE KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL AND A LOT ARE ACTUALLY IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS
NOONE HERE IS EVER GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO--YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE THOSE DECISIONS
IF YOU WOULD READ YOUR OWN POST TO YOURSELF I THINK THE LAST LINE SHOULD BE MOVED WAY UP TO THE TOP "NOT SURE OF THE PATH"
"NOT SURE" IS TELLING YOU, JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE HAS ALREADY SUGGESTED, DECISIONS SHOULD NOT BE MADE UNTIL YOUR HEART AND SOUL ARE AT A MORE TRANQUIL STATE
YOU HAD ALSO SAID THAT YOU HAVE BEEN IN AL-ANON FOR QUITE A LONG TIME--IF YOU HAVE ANY CONFIDENCE IN A SPONSOR AT YOUR AL-ANON MEETINGS I THINK I WOULD TAP THOSE RESOURCES AND HAVE A GOOD ONE ON ONE HEAVY CONVERSATION--ALSO---SOME OF THESE FOLKS IN THIS GROUP HAVE TONS OF EXPERTICE AND KNOWLEDGE ABOUT ALL OF THIS STUFF---THEY WON'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO BUT THEY ARE GOOD AT TURNING THE LIGHTS ON SO YOU MAY AT LEAST SEE WHERE YOU WANT TO GO...
WHAT EVER YOU DO---IT WILL WORK OUT---IT ALWAYS DOES
KEEP COMING HERE--I THINK YOU WILL MAKE CONTACT WITH SOMEONE THAT YOU CAN REALLY CONNECT WITH---YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND THESE FOLKS ARE PRETTY GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO
You've been around the AFG a long time so you already know that advise is out of the principals while suggestions are always acceptable. I remember having similar thoughts and feelings just like yours. I think that it was probably 3 or 4 days ago. By the way the similarity between your marriage and mine are close although we don't have children between us we have very close relationships with each others children. My wife and I are both in program with a bit more time than you and your spouse. When things weren't going my way in the past I would (being a all or nothing at all enabler) go looking for gasoline and matches so I could burn all the bridges behind me. Divorce was always the solution. In the program I started to wonder why always that? Wasn't there any other alternatives or solutions other than cut and run? I had good sponsorship and he use to turn me away from blaming my spouse and asked me, "What is your part in the whole thing?" At first I didn't like the question and then I came to realize that my perceptions, expectations, thoughts and feelings and past experiences colored how I perceived my world was and triggered my reactions. My expectations of my spouse and in fact most other people around me were not fixed in reality. I was expecting way too much of them and not measuring up myself. My sponsor lead me to see that I was so fixated on what she was and wasn't doing that she could never win no matter if she was doing it perfectly or just the best she could.
When I started looking for different recovery ways to protect her and me from my reactions to unmet expectations and resentments, my sponsor taught me about backing off a bit, giving people slack and the benefit of the doubt and to practice forgiving them and myself. In a word what my sponsor taught me was to give "Grace" to my spouse and told me that Grace was that margin of freedom that allows them to be both human and children of God at the same time. I will always be grateful for that experience and I can tell you that my wife is safer and happier to not have the 200+ lb weight stuck to her back.
Today I know that most of my solutions come from changing me rather than trying to change the world around me.
I so appreciated the replies to your post, gracefull. The wisdom and insight our friends on this site gave to you are priceless. The one that struck me as being the most astute was that you are not sure of your "clear path". That one hit home with me because I am not sure of my future direction either with my son and ex-daughter-in-law; I am not sure of what boundaries I need to set or what decisions I need to make in our relationships. That is why I also finally picked up enough courage to join this site and post my story. What I took away from the "clear path" idea was that I am not ready to make decisions which would drastically change the future for my family and that I should calm myself, seek guidance from my HP, and wait. I pray and hope that some spark of enlightnment will enter your spirit today and that you can find a way that will work for you, your beloved daughter, and your husband.
I'm grateful for the responses I've received from everyone - thank you. However, I'm quite touched by yours Jerry. I have been around long enough to know that "advice" is not what I need or want. What caused me to post was the realization that my judgement is blurred by hurt an resentment. Some of which stems from my unrealistic expectations, but some of which was revealed to me and it quite painful.
Basically, as hard as this is to type, my sober husband at some point during our marriage was intimate with another woman. From what was revealed to me, it wasn't an actual affair, but by what standard do I measure infidelity?? I'm so hurt and distraught and it's been a snowball affect into what the "real" problem in our marriage is.
I do rely heavily on my higher power and my program, sponsor, etc.
There is a part of me that knows that things will change when my focus changes, yet there are huge boundaries I need to set (again) and I'm not sure I'm in the frame of mind to do that. For the first time in a long time I don't feel that divorce is the easy way out. Now, it feels like the harder, more painful decision.
I realized yesterday that I must do the footwork and let God give me the answers. I also realize that I need to give my spouse the dignity to figure out some solutions on his own. I can't always be there for "fix it". That is why I believe I must go forward with the divorce and let our HP determine the outcome. I do truly believe that if we are meant to be together, God will lead us in that direction.
In the meantime, I am focusing on me, my recovery and will leave the rest up to God.
Yup. We do the work for us, the kids, them and they take care of themselves. Mine is laying on the couch and I am on the computer. He is taking care of him; oblivous of me. So that why we have Alanon to take the focus off of the A and put the focus on us. Lots of tools here. You are worth it.
