Confused - Al-Anon Family Group

beachbaby · Veteran Member

Confused

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Beachbaby,

I'm not sure of the circumstances of your relationship, but I'd say your A is going along with what his sponser is asking of him. If your relationship was toxic for both of you that might be an indication of why. Not sure how others handle sobriety. I have heard of sponsers basically telling their sponsees no relationships for one year after sobriety so that the A can completely focus on working program. Your A sounds confused about why you are not speaking with him. If you feel you have unresolved issues with him, maybe put it out there that you'd like to talk when he feels ready. Until then keep working your program so you can heal too.

Blessings,

Twinmom~

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Beachbaby,

My "A" and I were together for 5 years and things were not all that great, he was actively using that whole time. He tried NA, but didn't really work a program. Then I went to go visit my parents in another state, and he went to stay with his sponsor. When I came back home he siad he was going to stay with his sponosor, but we would still be in a relationship with me. Two weeks later he said we were over. I was devestated. We had a two year old daughter together and I was 5 months pregnant with our second child.

He went about 2 and 1/2 months of no contact at all. Then one day he showed up on my door. He explained that he was focusing on him and that he was told by his sponsor that he and I were not healthy for eachother and that he should not even date for a year. He said that he felt bad for abondoning me, but he now felt ready to be around me. He wanted to be around his daughter and his unborn child. He also wanted to work on building a friendship with me.

This hurt so much, because I loved him so. I couldn't figure out what was so wrong about us being together if I was working my program. But I continued to work on my program and I continued growing healthy.

My "A" continued to see me as unhealthy and toxic, and no matter what I did, he kept insisting that we would never again be a couple. Finally one day I took a step towards moving on. I let him go.

We got into an arguement about a broken promise to our daughter and he hung up the phone on me. The next day I went online and spent a few hours chatting with a friend in England. WHen I got off the computer I had a voice mail from him. He stated that he had been trying ot talk to me for hours. He said that he had spent the night at a friends hose and I could figure out what that meant.

I called him back and said it was okay, we had no commitment anymore, so he could do as he chooses. I said that my one regret was that we were not able to be in a relationship as two healthy people, and that was the only regret I had over our relationship.

We talked a bit longer and then hung up. A few hours later I had a knock on my door. It was him. He was bawling. He said that he wanted to try to have a relationship, that he was able to see the growth because I had not reacted to his news like he thought I would. He then admitted that nothing happened at the friends house, but wanted me to react.

This all happened one week shy of his year with out a relationship.

Not really sure if anything I said could help you.

I would suggest keeping the focus on you. I also agree with Twinmom, see if he wants to talk.

Keep coming back.

Yours in Recovery,

beachbaby · Veteran Member

Twinmom2,

Thanks for your reply, I met with my sponsor at lunch today. Yes, it toxic and real love all mixed together. I made a decision to focus on me, my spirituality and the kids for one year, no relationships. Relationships can be toxic for me as they take the focus off of me and I cling to them to avoid dealing with myself. I know deep down I am not ready for a relationship. I will cling to it like there is no tomorrow.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds like a very very difficult time for both of you. I try to keep things one day at a time. I have certainly had issues with boundaries, limits, expectations and more. At the same time I do not have a child with someone. I am not sure I would want to cut someone out of my life who I had a child with. I have dogs and cats with my boyfriend we share them to a certain extent. I do most of the work of caring for them but I can't say he doesn't care for them, he does. And they of course care for him deeply.

For me sometimes I have to take things one day at a time. When my boyfriend is being obnoxious (he is an addict) I take it one day at a time. I do not set big long term goals. I set small ones and work towards them, then when I achieve them I set more. I set a lot of goals of detaching from him and working on ways to be less dependent on him. I also work on ways to have a less volatile relationship with him. I know all that helps. I am much calmer, less volatile and less reactive than I was.

I am sorry to hear you are pregnant and alone. I know I would feel rather abandoned in that position. I hope you will use this board, this room as much as possible to get you through this very difficult time.

Maresie.

bubbles1990 · Senior Member

Hang in there (((((((beachbaby)))))))) take one day at a time!!! You and your A is my prayers!!

Love Bubbles123

-- Edited by bubbles1990 at 20:39, 2006-07-03

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Beachbaby!!

One thing I had to learn coming into program as a brandnew member was to listen and trust those who had time and trust professionals who worked in the recovery field. It was hard and at first I didn't do it too well but then I became a professional in the field. Go back now to the trust step and try faith in those who help and HP and in this program. Do it one day at a time only and keep coming back for more.

((((((hugs))))))

beachbaby · Veteran Member

Yes, I do believe you are right in trusting those who have been in the program for a while. My sponsor reminded me that me and my A are not a couple right now, that honesty really hit me hard, a real wake up call. Much of my thoughts are distorted and obsessive when it comes to him. I fantasize about all the good and how great life would be if only he were sober for a year, etc. etc. Truly the white picket kind of thinking. For Today I will try to live in the moment and put the focus on me. Thanks to all for sharing with me, it really helps so much. I am grateful to be able to come here and feel better than when I first posted.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.