I'm just taking a breather in the place that I know I should. Kind of like finding that safe spot in a frenzied game of tag.

AH has had the state on his case to get rehabilitation-his state license is in serious jeopardy.This is a topic that he let go by the wayside because they haven't contacted him in months. They appeared again last week and were not happy he hadn't done anything. As we all know our A-s tend to hold onto a false sense of superiority and invincibility. Understood.

I am not mean.I am not evil. I do have to say that news gave my heart what seemed to be a much needed ray of hope. I know that he does not want to lose his license..he's been practicing for 27 years. I was hopeful when I saw him remain sober for the first half of the day and as the day progressed he complained about how they want him to do day programs(he wouldn't be able to work,this I understand)..and how he would call the hospital for another referral(which he hasn't bothered with)..and how full of crap these people were. Long story short I felt like kicking myself because I very well know no addict is going to be sucessful at a program unless they want to.He's being forced to and I felt so helpless (like a pleading child) as to really wrap my mind around the 'hope'. He's in the middle of one of his constant benders (it's four day stretches with 24 hour breaks....a case a day..during work,driving..everywhere) and I found myself crying uncontrollabley again..all day today. Not that break down sobbing kind of cry,but this endless tears falling down my face and bitter lump in my throat kind of leak.

I find it hard to look at him.He looks like he's been beaten.Stooped.The speech sounds slurred and his walking is like an old man. I'm not angry,I'm sad. I'm sad that other people think there's something mentally or physically wrong with him at times he thinks he's being a'king' of his domain.I'm horribley sad watching my dear man get so twisted and sick looking when he is capable of so...it's like watching him die. I try to not be in the same room anymore because it's so harsh to bear. I prevent myself from making sarcastic or confrontational remarks when I do remove myself.Then he follows me and wonders why I'm leaving him alone. I let him know it rips my heart apart to see him like this..and the conversations stop. He's at a loss because his alcoholic mind thinks I don't love him like I've sworn that I do...I'm at a loss because I know it's necessary for me to disassociate as much as necessary. I USED to chase him down.I USED to bitch a bit more than I do (if i do at all) and I used to try to be everything and be everywhere for him so that he wouldn't feel bored..and feel inclined to drink more. By the good grace of this message board I know differently now. It still hurts though.Wow..talk about tough love.

Never mind the sarcasm.Never mind the conversations that don't make any sense.Never mind the mistrust I have in how he'll act when he's 'gone'. Never mind all that. It's turned out to be just an equally hurtful process just to watch him 'wither' into this physically sad,shrunken man on a constant basis. A baby is due next month and I think on the horrible posssiblity that he won't be around to raise our child together due to neglected health.

It gets to be tooo much to think on...this is why I'm here venting. I did my writing,did some knitting,watched a couple of good movies,cleaned..etc. but the only comfort I can get at this time is to read the various posts at this time. My 18 yr old is out having July 4rth fun and I miss him a bit as well, but you know....I need to remember to come check out this board on a more frequent basis. My tears have dried up in the hours I've spent here. My God,I wish I could thank all of you who contribute.

Thanks for listening. I needed to step back,let it out ...before I jump back into this playground.