The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking lately about control. alanon speaks of me wanting to control my situation and others.
I have a hard time understanding that. I left a marriage in the late 89's because I allowed myself ( I can say this now) to be controlled. I did as I was told. I was told who I could & could not speak to and what i could say where I could go. I was not allowed to work anywhere but with the family business. I was even told to pay towards the mortgage that was in his & his mothers name. I should be happy just being his wife. lol We did a prenup too. I gave up myself because I wanted to be the perfect wife. That was my first & last marriage. I see now he was controlled by his mother & in turn controlled me.
When it comes to working on a job, I have never wanted to be the boss. I don't want to lead or follow, I just want to get the job done. I could interview, hire & train but I did not want to be in charge. I let someone else do the firing.
I have had the tenacy to be the responsible one. I raised myself I guess. my parents were busy with their new loves of their lives to worry about a teenager. I have trouble asking for help. I do not want to hear excuses why someone can not help me or have to beg them to help. I can do it all myself faster & better.
I try real hard not to tell someone else what to do. I do not ask them to get stuff for me. I think of others & try and do stuff for them. when I am out I think of my A or a freind & get them something if I can afford it. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated.
I have tried since March 05 , when I found alanon not to nag, complain or argue about her drinking or anything at all. I do not tell her to do a thing at all. I do not depend on her for anything. I hear how everything is my fault. how I do everything wrong if I do anything at all. I hear how I don't do anything and she does it all. but I just keep my mouth shut & say nothing to her in response.
so how am I controlling anything now? I don't understand. In fact, I feel like I am being controlled yet again. I know I can't be if I don't allow it.
Well that all sounds familiar to me , there is a story about an alcoholic that u may or may not like I have sharred it here before so if u read it excuse me for repetition. A asked his wife to fix him some breakfast when asked what he would like he said two eggs one fried the other poached , so off she went to prepare his breakfast when she placed the plate in front of him he screamed at her You have fried the wrong egg !! which just tells me that when living with a practicing alcoholic we just never get it right .
They are such unhappy people and appear to like toshare thier missery with those they are closest too and we unfortunatly take it on as personal failure. Just when we think we got it figured out they change the rules or raise the bar were never gonna get there . so i was told to please myself then at least one of us would be happy. hehe workes for me .
Alcoholics blame others for most of thier problems and as long as we continue to take it on nothing will ever change . Next time a usless argument starts simply reply I am sorry u feel that way . and leave the room orrrrrrrr You could be right and leave the room . they love to be right . the secret is to leave the room , this argument is over . dosent take long for people to realize that u cant fight with just one person in the room. good luck
I was like that man who screamed about the eggs when I was drinking... I wanted ANYTHING and ANYONE else to be 'the problem', not my precious drinking. I inadvertantly used all kinds of devious methods to insure that my alcoholic behavior would be 'protected'. My disease was thinking and acting on it's own behalf, through me.
I even went to the lengths of 'making up' a mental illness at one point, so that I had 'permission' to do crazy things, run wild in the streets drinking/using, then go back to the psyche ward over and over when the money and the resources ran out.
When the people in my life who cared the most STOPPED helping me in any way, shape or form other than prayer and taking care of themselves, I was able to truly hit bottom. I had arrived at a place where I was on my knees, just me and God, and I HAD to put my fists down and fall on my face in the dirt, in tears. In this way, AlAnon in the lives of my loved-ones truly began my lifesaving experience.
In my relationship life I gave 250%. I expected 5% when I did not get that I raged and sulked. I would remonstrate that I was not controlling when if I gave 250% I was taking on more than was necessary. These days I do not give 250%. I also have had to deal with bone hollowing loneliness that was always there pre A for decades. I work on that all the time. I think that is one thing I fear when I leave the A that I will return to that.
I think I ran totally on fear of abandonment. I gave 350% in a relationship. I had no idea of reciprocity. I had no idea of balance. I can't say I have much experience of balance or reciprocity but I know what they are. My expectations were so low and my self esteem so low I did not know how to take care of myself on a fundamental level.
so for me I was controlling because I took far more responsibility for the relationship and none for me. I blamed the other party when I in fact I was not owning my own power. I believed I had none. I would try to orchestrate control because I ran on abandonment fears.
hmm, making me think how bad my marriage was in the 80's . he said it was 2 year and 10 months. I say I gave 4 years. Life was better before we got married. But looking back we just partied all the time.
His mother orchestrated the whole wedding plan, buying the gown, planning the whole thing. she even walked down the aisle ahead of my mom. I thought tradition ws the brides mom went first. There were many red flags but I ignored them all. I thought I was in love but I was actually insane.
He was 35 & I was 25. both of our firsts. lol His dad died unexpectly the first week we moved from Ga to NJ. I met the whole fam damily italian/ polish clan. He ended up saying I said in my vows that I would love, honor & OBEY him. I was like ahhhhh, you said the same ones. He hated my attitude. I was told to make breakfast between 8 & 10, lunch between 12 & 2 & dinner between 6 & 8. We ran a seasonal motel with his mom. The plan was to take over and let his parents retire. they turned a plumbing warehouse into a motel. I busted my butt. I gave so much to make it work. I loved to work & stay busy. We laid carpet, painted rooms, turned a 3 apt building into 6 units. We stayed up till 3 or 4 am on the holiday weekends trying to fill the motel for the weekend. His mom said she woke up around 5 am. I thought well great you can open the motel at 8 am and I will come down at 10am. Great Idea? Well, she had moved into one of the motel apts about 10 feet behind us at 8 am every morning , she would come into our apt, the office was downstairs. She would come upstairs and call MICHAEL and of course I had to get up and help her what ever it was. I was allowed to go shopping. that was my outside life. she went to mass on Saturday am so she could go to the casinos on Sundays. He had to go to softball practice two days a week & a game on the weekends. Guess who kept the business running. But of course I was a gold digger. His mom thought I was going to divorce him, marry someone else & take over the business. So when I did not like the fact, I was to pay part of a $1500 a month balloon mortgage out of what little she paid me. She came up with an idea, She took us to the lawyer and told him verbatim what to put into HIS Will. I was crying. I could not believe this. Well, It said Only in the event we had children would I inheriate any part of the family business otherwise it was to go to 4 of her family relatives that never helped us at all. See if we had children then I would be taken care of thru them. That is part of the reason I decided not to have children. Her idea for having her one son was so someone would take care of her when she got old. Selfish reason I thought. I suggested going to counseling. I was told their is no problem so if I wanted to go I could . I did I rode my bicycle over a mile one way to the place. I was giving the courage to leave. I was able to send money home to my mother once a week without his knowing. I went home to visit family & I knew I was not going back. He would call drunk at 2 or 3 am begging me to come home. He said he blamed his mom for our marriage falling apart. He said he would go to counseling if I came home. He had his moments of rage during our marriage. He struck me once or twice but he said I never broke a bone or you ended up in the hospital.
Well, I was single from 88 to 92, I had resolved to being alone. I thought I was getting serious with an old flame. It was like time never passed. We were like all ga ga or so I thought. He lived in VA & I in GA. He sent me flowers for my birthday in the beginning of may. I was suppose to fly up to VA to meet everyone. He told me he didn't think I would like the small town. I grew up in Atlanta. ( I live in a rural small town now.) Well, It was getting close to Memorial Day (end of May) so I called him to see when I should book the flight. He says " I just happened to meet someone else". HUH? How the hell can you do that when you are suppose to be in love with another. Well he ended up marrying her & is still married today I heard. He did mention something about being in love with his first cousin.
In 1992, I met Tina at work. We went to dinner, movies, events & concerts etc for like 6 months. We talked and talked and talked. I ended up falling in love with a person not a gender. We didn't drink when we first met. We would go to her sisters parties & have everyone else in stitches but we were sober. I don't know what happened , she was injured on the job in 1992. It took her sometime to realize that she was disabled & could not work any longer. In 1995, she finally got on disablity. I would call home every day during my lunch break and call & call till she got mad & picked up the phone. She was depressed & slept all day & would be in bed when I came home from work otherwise. I got injured in 1995, 2 on the job back injuries, supervisors neglected to report it & I got nothing but fired. i guess we started drinking heavily then. She was not as a big pain back when I was drinking or I suppose I just did not notice it.
I lost my mo jo somewhere along the way. I have no desire whatsoever. I have asked drs but no answers. might be depression, medication or stress. It doesn't bother me much any more. I have other worries. But Tina is taking it personally. We have been together 14 years in 2006. We are like roommates now we used to be best friends but lately we can not even talk civil.
Some say leaving her is the answer, well there are alot of other factors. So for now I have to put up with it. One day at a time for now. I am not sure what the future holds. I have no family to ask for help. I am embarrassed to say she is an alcoholic. My family is mad at her anyway.
I can definitely relate to your situation. I have been from one dysfunctional relationship to the next. In doing my 4th step really hard, and it is very very hard work, I have come to terms with a lot of them. I am glad not to be carrying that resentment around with me. I am also glad to be in these rooms, this program and examining my codependency has been so so key for me.
I do know how it is to have health issues and not have the resources to deal with them. I also know it is to deal with someone who is depressed. When the A was ill he stayed in bed for months. He can still stay in bed a lot. He just stops and remains immobilized but blames me for everything and is absolutely passive aggressive.
I am so so glad that you are here and can begin working on yourself and your issues. Leaving is one small part of dealing with an A. We have to deal with ourselves and how we feel and our codependency too.
I have been thinking lately about control. alanon speaks of me wanting to control my situation and others. 