The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hope you don't mind me seeking some advice tonight.
I am a recovering alcoholic who is extremely involved in AA. I sponsor women, and I use my own sponsor and Grand-sponsor. I attend 5 meetings a week. My family is part of Akron, Ohio AlAnon Intergroup. We have program principles running through every thread of our lives, and it is amazing and wonderful...
Then there's my husband. Non-alcoholic. Doesn't touch the stuff. But a severe workaholic. If I may oblige, I cannot find any support groups for wives/spouses of workaholics. I know that I need to apply some basic 12 step principles to our situation, but would like some objective advice. If someone would not mind taking the time, please read my situation and respond, if you have any tips for me.
A MILLION thanks. My situation:
I am Joni, Recovering Alcoholic. Wife of a workaholic. I need the help of the program right now to deal with it. I am concerned for his health and mental state. He has worked nearly 30 days straight now.
Josh is working himself to death and he thinks it's funny; that he is a 'hero'. I got a wee bit upset because his company has lost a couple of drivers in the past 2 months, and has been dragging its heels to hire more. They can easily run my husband into the ground.... Yes, they pay him well... blah blah blah.... they worked him 104 hours last week. He is not a surgeon. He drives a heavy-duty towtruck for towing semis and such from the Interstate.
I asked him if it was too much for me to ask to spend ONE DAY out of the month with him. I actually really want him to sleep for a day, like he does periodically. He would not answer, just kept repeating 'good ole' boy' crap over and over like, "WOMEN!!! A MAN'S gotta work!! If my company needs me, then.... blah blah blah." Far enough into the conversation, he said, "You know, you're just like my ex-wife...." I said, "Right here is where the conversation stops. Goodbye."
I am not answering the phone. He called me earlier with 'special orders' for dinner... to make him his favorite, with details down to the brand of italian bread, uncut, and how big he wanted me to cut the slices. I naturally do not even START dinner until he walks in the door. He has been calling me every 20 minutes for the last 3 hours making excuses. I was not calling HIM... I was not even upset. But something about him calling ME over and over with his attitude like he is King Crap of the almighty tow-company made me wanna puke after a while. He announced that he is eating pizza at the shop with they guys. Fine. My blood pressure is not even elevated, I assure you. I am very very good at remaining calm, and when I voice my opinion and someone gives me a line of bullcrap the way he has been doing, as if it is 'cool' to be a sucker and be worked to death and be taken advantage of, I draw the line and the conversation is over.
So I am getting in the tub and heading up to the dry club. Nahhh, I don't even have to 'prove anything. I am just gonna stay here and do my laundry like I planned to. He is the one who is upset here, not me. I CHOSE to voice my concern for his health and our spending a little time together. He CHOSE to get defensive and upset. I CHOOSE to not let it affect my own serenity or plans for the evening to get some things done. I do quite well on my own; grew up an only child and lived alone until the age of 32 and never married until then.
I have been highly wrapped up in taking care of me and him and this house, since my own company let me go a month ago, and in going to meetings, sponsoring and interacting with AA's both online and in person. I have been going to the beach and walking and dollar-store and garage-sale shopping. I am working my steps and praying. I am active in my homegroup and I go to about 5 meetings a week right now.
I used to get into arguments with men so I would have fuel to get sick and drink. Not TODAY. I release him to do what he THINKS he wants to do, which is work like an alcoholic drinks; like a crack-addict hits the pipe. If he cannot handle simple concern, I release him to do what he wants and I shall be content where I'm at. He will learn some hard lessons about his body and his mind and his spirit; that he is not invincible. And I will be here to take care of him, change his bed pan, give him his medicine, nurse him when he breaks down. I made a promise two years ago and I intend to keep to it.
I do not need a man for gratification. I do not need a man to take care of me. He needs me more than I need him. He has never been without a wife since age 18, save for a few years of divorce where he was 'momma's boy'. And I made a promise, and I can change my own attitude and keep my mouth shut and not try to change him and be happy.
I am going on the AlAnon board tonight to find out how to let go. I am Joni, Recovering Alcoholic, wife of a true-life Workaholic. And I'm powerless over him, and I need help to stay on track with ME.
Thanks for listening. With all the love I can muster, Joni :)
Joni: when my boyfriend is not using he does the workaholic thing. He sounds much like your husband. I can undestand your anger. We have a very different set of tools in al-anon and very different focus. I hope you will stick around to look at them. I know when I am not working my boyfriend also thinks my sole focus should be on making him happy never mind that I deserve a life of my own.
I try to stick very close to al-anon. I have been here 6 months and it has helped me more than I can say.
I'm the wife of an A-workoholic. I can totally relate to the BS about "A man's got to work"...I've also heard many others. Vacation, lol, oh please, they were few and far between and once we were out camping he still mananged to call in everyday and we didn't even have cell phones!! Mine also gets wrapped up in his employees personal issues. He thinks it's being a good boss.
The thing is, it is a lot like alcoholism. You're powerless over it. You can't control it. My A fills his "hole" with his job and alcohol. I believe we are all seeking to fill a hole that can only be filled by our HP. What we choose to fill it with can range any were between alcohol/drugs, work, service, shopping, eating etc. We try to satisify ourselves, have selfworth, happiness, recoginition etc. when what will truely satisfy us is a connection with our HP.
You may have to wait until he hits his bottom before he will see what he's doing to himself. Hopefully it will be a gentle wake up call to him. But one thing I do know is that when someone is so lock into their job, they can't see what they are doing to themselves, don't think about why they are doing what they are doing and can't relate to why anyone would have a problem with how they are. In other words, they aren't affecting anyone else negatively.
So, what can you do. Keep the focus on you. Remind yourself daily that your happiness can't be contingent on him. (That little voice that tells you "I'd be happy if he'd" ... give me one afternoon, a weekend, dinner out once in a while yada, yada, yada) Keep your focus on you and the things that give you joy.
Another thing that has helped me is that giving of myself, whether it's preparing a meal, helping by doing a chore for someone else etc., is that if I do it because I want to do it, no strings attached, I feel good. I don't do things because someone expects that of me, or that if I don't they'll be upset, I do things now in a way that is true giving and I get so much out of it that it's fun to do. So these direct order dinners, well, I believe that could be a boundry issue.
People don't talk a lot about how we punish others, but we do. Check your motives in what you are doing and why you are doing whatever it is when it comes to your husband. A hard pill for me to swallow was when I was asked "would you want to come home to you?" And believe me I could have justified that one away a thousand different ways but the honest answer for me was "not really." The thing about this program is it takes the focus off of them and puts it on us, and with that question, the whole focus was on me. It didn't change anything about my A husband or our situation... it just changed my focus, which allowed me to change.
Some of this may not apply, take what you like and leave the rest.
incredible incredible advice from experience, and I appreciate it. I appreciate you both going off-topic like this to help me.
Before I had read your replies, he came home and all heck broke loose. He said some dumb things (has severe sleep-deprivation) and I 'pouted' and stormed around a bit and shook the finger a few times. Then he started acting 'subserviant' and, well, it is over for now...
The interesting thing is that I had a mental-obsession moment while throwing (literally) clothes in the dryer with him at the top of the steps trying to keep proving his point(s). As a SEVERE alcoholic and cocaine addict in recovery, I have not had one of those in a long time, as I have been very very busy working the steps and being active, as well as steering clear of people, places and things.... It was thankfully just a thought, and I recoiled fom it as from a hot flame (the way our AA book describes it!). But it was there, and I have to realize that some stuff that comes up between us now may indeed trigger me in the future. Must be all the more vigilant and dedicated. Marriage is not easy, and we have not yet had our second anniversary.
As to the workaholism, I am attempting to envision it as being like my alcohol was for me. I can see how work 'fills his void'. I know what those voids are too, and they are tough ones. He is a spiritual man who does not make time for spiritual growth these days, and it is no small wonder that he is squirrelly. He's an addict himself, of sorts. Yes, and he suffers from denial, just as I did... "I'm not hurting anybody". He has even said things like, "I hope when I go, I die on the job". I can remember saying and trying to 'drink/drug myself to death."
And Lunamoth, as to hitting 'bottoms', he has hit a few gentle ones already. temporary health crisis last summer; friend on the job having a heart attack at 30 years old, and other things like that. He makes reservations to 'cut back', but quickly seems to forget about the magnitude of what just happened, say, last week. He is in DENIAL. Wow, this is JUST like my own addiction, in soo soo many ways.
Unfortunately, like so many alcoholics I know, he does not recognize his problem or want help... so what good does it do for me to ;'chase him down and shove it down his throat'. I don't do that to alcoholics; why do it to a different kind of addict.
All very amazing, once we get some help in processing it.
I very much enjoy helping others. I do it because it makes me happy, and I like the person I have become. I need to emrace that the principles of the steps start at home.... often the toughest place to work the steps or practice the 4 Absolutes. I believe I am ready to incorporate this situation into the latest step-wprk that i am doing. I am working the steps over and over, and have actually started writing them out again, and seeing a lot of new, and sometimes more subtle things. This will be addressed too now.
I thank you for helping me, one day at a time. I know I won't get better overnight, but I look forward to growing through it. Tahnk you for your kind welcome to the AlAnon Forum. Now that I've been here, I believe I could learn a great deal from all of you. I do sponsor women trhat go back out sometimes, and have to work really hard to keep my sanity and let go... but ahhh, that is a REAL AlAnon issue, and for another post on another day!!!
Well Joni , if you can find time this week maybe hit an Al-Anon meeting ,u certainly do qualify . Your a grateful AA member totally surounded by A's . As for your husb well letting go means to get off his back . The Al-Anon program has improved every relationship I have. God will let him know when its time to slow down .
You say u have a life enjoy it ! Enjoy all that money he is making treat yourself to a nice trip with a girlfriend. My husb too was a workaholic I used to take it personally thought he was doing that to avoid being with me . finally figured out that it's what makes him happy . One more time it had nothing to do with me.
Start enjoying the fruits of his labor with out the lectures on how he should rest and take care of himself I have found we are far more attractive if we simply stay outa thier face off thier backs. learned the hard way to give him NO Unsolicited Advice. good luck
I hope that I am able to extend as warm a welcome to you as you did to me the other day.
Funny, Before I read your post I never woul dhave described my "A" as a workaholic, but I felt some of the same things when he was working for this painting company, lol and he hated that job.
For him is was all about the prestige of working for a high-brow painting company. Painting Million dollar houses. And since it was painting he was a round dope, alot. One of his co-workers is a meth cook, happens to be my "A"s drug of choice. The owner didn't care, if he had to give two of his best guys a one day off every few weeks to come down, he sometimes was able to have them working 24 hours a day.
During that time I made a huge mistake. I mived away from my alanon group and the rest of my support system. I moved to a different city so that my "A" would have less of a commute home, and the plan was that he would be home more. Well that didn't work out. So after the lease was up, I made palns to move back to my suppost system and have less of a commute to my job.
Two weeks after I moved in my "A" quit that job.
I was hurt, lonely, angry, and resentful of my "A" while he was working that job. I was slipping back into the old behavior because I wasn't really working my program.
The three C's come into my mind right now. I didn't cause it, I can't conrol it, I can't cure it. I am powerless over him. Not just the substances that he uses and abuses, but also the friends he has, and the things that he does, and how much he throws himself into his work. Powerless. What a freeing thought.
Right now my "A" is in Alaska fishing. He is working 16 hour days and can't come home everynight, or everyother night. In fact he can only call home about once a week. He said Friday night that he is so tired and doesn't want to work like this anymore. He wants to find a job, any job that will allow him to be home everynight at a certain time. He is so wrapped up in what others think of him, so I am not holding my breath on that one. But I didn't say that I told him that it would be great if he could do that.
Recognizing triggers is something that helps me to, you mentioned that you saw a trigger. I have been working on recognizing those. So I can really work on maintaining my serenity when the triggers are happening.
I think you are doing great, you came here to look for ESH. You have a great foundation of program. I think Abby suggested that you go to an alanon meeting, I think that would be great. Keep posting here, the ESH on this board is awesome.
Not sure if anything I said helped you, lol but I know it helped me think about somethings I hadn't before and for that I thank you.
Yours in Recovery,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I read everyone posts and i am not sure what i can add.I am glad you came on over you are welcome here any time.The biggest thing is to say you cant fix him you cant make what ever he feels he is missing.I belive our hp which I call God can only fill that hole.
The things you can do is go to alanon meetings come here post read the posts and work your recovery not here and it will be easier to cope if you do that.Dont take his inventory jsut yours ..
I too, am jonibaloni21! I've been here for almost a year and it's helped me a lot. I think the others have covered most everything I'd choose to say to help, but I wanted to welcome you to alanon from another joni, jonibaloni21.
Keep coming back ,this is a great group of people!
