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Okay, I'm new to this group, but not new to the horrors of living with an addict. My ex-husband (from a 25 year long relationship), for awhile destroyed my life. It's a really long story, I'm going to try to summarize it the best I can - it's such a long story, but I'll try to make it shorter.I would so much appreciate your thoughts and anything you can share that can help me move on with my life. I'm at a stand-still. I've been freed from the hell I was living in, but the residue is still there, affecting me each and every day. Okay... here goes, I dated my ex (starting at the age of 17) for 3 years. My mother died 2 weeks later. I fell madly in love, had absolutely no idea that he was an alcoholic. We used to party together, but I had NO IDEA it was a problem whatsoever. His parents knew, but never shared it with me. Got married at 20; he was probably drunk at the wedding and every day for the first 5 years of our relationship. I loved him the way he was. I was clueless! You'd never know he was a drunk because he could carry on a conversation and work everyday like a normal person. The other signs were there. I confronted him at 22 years of age, filled a grocery bag up with his hidden bottles and made him make a choice - the alcohol or me. He got sober and stayed that way for at least 13 years. I had to learn to love this new man I was with, because I only knew him drunk. He NEVER drank in front of me once we were married. It was all behind closed doors. Okay, well we had 2 kids, had a very nice home, both had 2 great jobs, things were getting good. Then, I got very, very sick. I was in and out of the hospital and in the most intense pain I had ever felt (since childbirth). The problem was that I never got well like most people when they become sick. I'm still sick to this day. For 5 years, I went from doctor to doctor desparately trying to find the source of my pain. The doctors were clueless. At first, the husband was supportive and wanted just as badly as I did, for me to get well and get a diagnosis. The doctors had to start treating the pain because I couldn't do anything. I was perscribed pain med's, meds for depression, etc. It wasn't long before my medicine started disappearing. Slowly at first, so I blamed myself... never thinking that he could be cruel enough to be taking the medicine I so very much needed. At the same time of my illness, I was also seriously depressed. I was too sick to be able to keep my job, so after 1 1/2 years of not being able to work, I had to tell my employer that I wouldn't be able to come back. So, emotionally and physically, I had fallen apart and he did also. He couldn't even be there to help me through my hell, he fell apart. He was such a good manipulator that he actually had me convinced that I was making mistakes with my dosages, etc. It worked! How could I ever accuse him of "stealing" medicine that needed so bad? Anyway, It got worse and worse. My life was hell. No matter where I locked the med's up, he always found a way to get into it and take from me. It got to the point where he was taking so much that I had very little left. He denied it up and down. He even allowed me to go ask my teenaged son if he knew anything about the medicine. Can you imagine? He let me ask my son if he was taking my medicine when it was HIM all along! Well, it got so bad that I was having to cut my remaining pills down into little, tiny pieces... I was ALWAYS in horrible pain. I couldn't even get out of bed much of the time. I hid all of this by staying in the bedroom. My ex. was acting as my "care giver." It was sickening. I knew about the alcohol and had suspected that he was drinking again to mask the pain he was feeling, but I never knew him to be a drug addict too. Talk about stupid! That was me! How do I stop beating myself up over how stupid and enabling I was? Anyway, I finally wrote a note on my lucked up medicine to stay the hell out and that night (without saying a word) he checked himself into a rehab facility. It was devastating to FINALLY have that confirmation. To realize that I allowed myself to trust and be manipulated, that I allowed my own husband to abuse me mentally and now physically - I allowed him to hold ME responsible for what was happening as if I was abusing my own medicine? I was so vulnerable because of my pain. I had had 5 surgeries and lots of experimental treatments along the way, so I wasn't "ALL THERE" to be able to advocate for myself. Anyway, he was there for less than a week before he came home. I know now that he only went there because he knew he had been "found out" and that he would be cut off. It was never because he wanted to do the right thing and get straightened out. Well, he was okay for a few weeks, but before long, it started again. No matter how I locked it up, no matter where I put it, he would find it. I would count it several times a day. I became paranoid about it and to this day, I still am. Needless to say, our marriage was falling apart. We had just moved to SC after I had undergone a complete hysterectomy (which I later learned was un-necessary). I had to change doctors because of the move and I was finally diagnosed immediately. I had been put on oxycontin for my pain. After the ex learned this, he was in his glory! Anyway, I was diagnosed with sever interstitial cystitis -- a non-curable, debilitating illness that causes pain equivilent to that of a cancer patient. That is why I was put on the same medicine that cancer patients are often perscribed. WE were in counseling and the problems were always focused on "my illness," the fact that I was a different person, that I was difficult to live with, etc., etc. He was even able to manipulate the therapist into believing that I was the cause of all the problems!!!! He even accused me of having an inappropriate relationship with a friend (sure!!). We separated. He managed to manipulate his way back into the house after only 6 weeks. During the separation, my medicine was still disappearing. He would come into the house when he knew I would be out grocery shopping or tutoring. My kids were both teenagers at the time (daughter 13 and son 17). While I was so sick, my ex and kids really bonded. I was the "sick one" and he was the "hero!" We separated again after 6 weeks back together. This time, I asked him to leave. He was sooooooooooo ticked off! He refused to leave for a week, so I went away to my dad's (bringing all the medicine with me) and came back 5 days later. The ex announced he was taking my son with him and he and my son moved out. I couldn't stop my son since he was 17. The ex knew that would make me crazy to lose one of my kids. He could control me that way. I had begun taking classes 2 months before, so one night while I was in class, the ex came and moved my daughter and all of her things out. I was devastated. He turned them against me and they were very angry. Suddenly I WAS THE CAUSE of all the problems. He was the poor victim. Long story short, we had a nasty custody battle, 1 1/2 years of unbelievable treatment. I was totally dependent on him because I had been unable to work since 1998. He used that to his benefit. He cleaned out ALL the accounts, cashed in all the stock we had saved over the years. It was a substantial amount of money. I was left depending on him for everything. I hired a lawyer and over the period of 1 1/2 years, I worked to divorce him and get custody of my daughter. He played every game there was. I had the locks changed and that made him furious (the kids too -- they were told that I was locking THEM out of the house). Okay, so we finally divorced. I didn't get the kids back. They wanted to stay with him. They now each had their own computers, guitars, and no rules... what teenager would want to come back to a structured home???? During the divorce, the lawyer and I were manipulated into an agreement that ended up being ridiculous. We had our home up for sale (for over a year) and had agreed on the handling of the marital debt, etc. The ex agreed to all sorts of things, but never had any intention of doing ANYTHING. He even allowed our SOLD home to foreclose. We lost over $30,000. Again, he tried to convince the kids that it was all my fault, although, they were beginning to see the light and knew "things just weren't right" at home. The Ex ended up being transferred in his job. He's in GA now and has walked out on ALL of his responsibilities. My daughter ended up coming back to me - Thank GOD!! I didn't think I was ever going to get her back! Since he's been gone, things are peaceful, but he continues to manipulate and control. He refuses to pay any form of child support, my son is now in college, he refuses to participate in helping with the college expenses; he pays alimony when and if he feels like it. Luckily, I was approved for disability, so I do have a little bit of help with that. He rarely comes to see his own kids. About once in 3 months. He is an absentee father. I feel terrible for my now, 17 year old daughter. She must feel so rejected. I don't know how they feel. To this day, I can't even mention his name. They were put in the middle and now, they don't want to talk about anything. It's heart breaking. It took a while to "patch up" my relationship with the kids. The ex did a number on them both. We are becoming good friends now and we are together again. What a blessing. But, there are a lot of very hurt feelings. I am still shell shocked about all that has happend. How could the man I loved more than anything in this world end up being such a monster? Now, I have "extra" medicine. I no longer have to live in constant fear that I will run out of medicine in the middle of the month. I am still paranoid of my medicine. I have it locked in a fire proof box and locked in my closet with another lock. I know the kids must think that I don't trust them. It's not that. It's just that I've become so paranoid over that nightmare happening again, I don't trust anyone. For awhile, I lived in fear that the ex would break into my new home and steal from me again. Anyway, how do I move on and forget about this stuff? I still feel so betrayed and I'm so depressed. I'm trying to move on with my life, since it is now so much better. I feel so much better. I don't suffer nearly like I did while I was in his prison. How do I get over the lies, the way he talked to my children? How do I process everything and get on with my life? How do I trust again?
I'm so sorry this story is so long. Believe it or not, this is only a short summary of the nightmare that was my life. The ex has now been in rehab 3 times in the past 3 years. Each "stay" is longer and longer. His life is a mess. There are 3 arrest warrants out for him and he is hiding somewhere in GA. He has been able to escape paying child support, etc. He has continued to send a monthly check for alimony, but he sends it whenever he feels like it. It's NEVER on time. I guess he pays that out of some small amount of guilt that he has deep down inside. His life is a mess. He has lost everything that he once had, we have lost all that we built together. Now we are starting over. He's gone, but I still live with the memories every day of my life. How do I cope?
I do know that I need help. I can't seem to get on with my life. I've been to several counselors to help with my depression, but all they do is listen. I need a plan. I don't have the money to keep going to different counselors until I find one that will coach me and help me move on. What do I do? How can I help my kids? I know they are hurting over the ugly divorce and that their father is so unreliable and sick.
I'm sorry to bore you with my long story. I had to vent somewhere. I have to get my story out.... even if it's just to help me process it all. There's just been so much hurt and pain in addition to my painful disease. The hurt and pain from what has transpired has been more painful than the illness. Compared to the broken heart, etc., the illness is just a minor irritation. Any suggestions would sincerely be appreciated. I don't have a good Al-anon group in my area. Sure would love to get my kids involved, but they won't hear of it.
I can so understand where you are. Al-Anon is most certainly the place for you. There is also an organization called Alateen for the kiddos. Sounds like they are older, but it's never too late to really understand the disease which manipulated you all.
I didn't completely understand what went on in my parents home til I came to al-anon at age 41. I am still dealing with the demons that come with alcoholism.
Al-anon is not for the alcoholic, it's for you! To help you understand how your perspectives and actions were changed by the disease. It will help you remember how to live life the way it was meant to be. For many of us, that was just so long ago, the memories are distorted or faded and we have to relearn it. That's where I am.
There is a link on this page (upper left corner) for the chat room. There is also a listing of face to face meetings in your area. I was amazed when I went to a meeting and picked up the newcomer package, as the literature in there was eye opening to me.
Take care of yourself and know you are not alone.
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
First I want to welcome you here.There are meetings on line that you can do until you go to one face to face.They suggest you try 6 meetings so maybe try again at home.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.
I too do not have the ex a in my life but i stayed in alanon cause it helps me gets me stronger and work on me.Keep posting here and do the meetings and eventually you will beging to really let go and heal.
Thanks a lot for the post. I appreciate the encouragement very much. It's been such a struggle, this whole thing. My ex isn't (directly) in my life anymore, but he still continues to haunt me, indirectly through my children. He says things and makes insinuations to my kids to make them believe that somehow I am responsible for his hardships, like somehow I'm responsible for him being broke, etc. It's unbelievable! Ya know.... I really want my kids to have a "healthy" relationship with their father. Kids need BOTH parents in their lives (as long as it's safe). I would never try to get in the way of him having a relationship with them, but he hates the idea of me having a good relationship with them. I might stop him from driving them in his car, if I suspect that he is using. He tries really hard to make it look like I've done something to cause his problems.... which is ridiculous. We've been divorced 2 years now, but he still does whatever he can to hurt my relationship with my kids. Luckily, they are really smart kids and I believe as they continue to mature, they will see more and more of the truth. I liked what you said in your post. It's true. I know that I'm not responsible for anything that he does or doesn't do, but he can still "get to me." I'm so glad I got away from him. I'm just trying to move on and I would love to be able to forget what happened and move on with my life. I have found that it just isn't that easy. I guess I'm still licking my wounds. I should have gotten involved in this group a long time ago. Maybe it's what I've been needing all along.
ET welcome. I hope you will treat yourself to in-person AlAnon meetings. If you don't feel you fit in the first group, go to another. It can make a huge difference in your life. Please visit our online meetings and this message board. Slowly you can come to change your own thinking - I know we are not responsible for someone else's behavior and to hear we can change our thinking sounds like there's something wrong with us. Nevertheless, it is a route to happiness, so please take it. So glad you are reaching out for yourself and your children. take care --- Jill
Thanks Jill. Maybe it's what I've been missing all along. For a long time I told myself, "well, it's not MY illness, it was my ex husband's," but what he did all those years has had long term effects on my life. I was thinking that since we aren't together, why should I have to be involved in Al-Anon, but I am realizing that to get over all this "junk" I'm going to need help from people who can relate to the experiences. The regular counselors don't understand this whole process the way other "survivors" do. I guess I'm a survivor. I have to change the way I've been thinking because what I've been doing isn't working for me. Thanks for the encouragement. I have tried to view some of the online meetings, but something isn't working right. My computer just freezes and I have missed just about the entire chats (this has happened twice).
Well, I do believe I'm on the right track! Thanks for your help.
