The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Do you ever sit back and wonder WHY ME? Not in the pity sense but just in general.
I have been married to my husband for 2 years and together for 3. He was sober when we met and was upfront about being an alcoholic. But he lied about the length of his sobriety. He padded his sobriety date by 4 years. When in reality he'd only been sober for 6 months & not 4 years and 6 months. I figured it out when he had is first relapse about 5 months later. But I didn't confront him. I married him anyways. The relapses he's had only last a couple of days. And somehow I'm able to get over them. I know that sooner or later I'm going to hit the wall on giving him "free passes".
I am financially stable without him. Might have to make some minor changes but nothing too drastic. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and a new baby (she'll be a year next week). The difficult part is that 90% of the time we are very happy. He is a great guy, husband and father. It's the relapses that kill me. And of course the wreckage that comes with the relapses. Some of them are difficult to swallow but nothing has happened that is truly earth shattering. (yet of course).
Usually I see them coming, I can almost predict that he is going to drink. This last episode I had no idea and felt like I got steam rolled. He drank for 2 days. Today he is at work and so far isn't drinking. He also took his antabuse in front of me this morning. We have the next 5 days off together with our children and I desperately want them to be a good 5 days. But I know what the cycle will be, guilt, shame & disappointment. That's the part I hate. I wish I could go on a 5 day vacation after the relapse. The other thing I hate is this means that we are going to start completely over again ~ when will he drink again; can I trust him to do his share of the household duties; does everything fall on me; why does he do this; the anxiety of it all. You know - all those questions that fill your head?
I told him this morning that I can't do it anymore. That he is out of free passes and that if he chooses to drink again that it will drastically change our life. That I didn't want to be married to an active alcoholic. If he choses to drink than I need to make better choices for me and my girls. It was the first time I've said it outloud. The crappy part is I know I'll be scared to death if confronted with the "kick him out or not kick him out" scenario. Yesterday was the first time I asked myself if this is the life I want for me and my children. I want and deserve more. I just hope he does too. When he is sober he has so much to offer that it would be a true waste of a good life. It's really heartbreaking.
HI, and welcome to MIP... Glad you found us, and posted your story there....
Your hubby's behaviors sound pretty typical, and to be perfectly blunt, he is unlikely to change until he is ready to change... One word of caution, with respect to the words that you told him about "next time he relapses....." - if you mean it, then that is fine. If you are gonna go back on your intentions, then it keeps the cycle going... "say what you mean and mean what you say" is an important thing for us to remember.... Try not to make any ultimatums to A's that we are NOT fully intending to follow through on....
As for the "why me" questions, I think that is all a part of our own recovery process. For me, I certainly went through a long time of that, and it truly wasn't very hard to find people to sympathise and empathise with me.... Trouble is, after a couple of years of surrounding myself with people who would "poor Tom" me, I realized that I wasn't getting any better, and that my circumstances were not changing. With that realization, I began to embrace my recovery - started attending Al-Anon twice a week, got myself a sponsor (online), and basically stopped the pity party, and started focussing on the WHATS instead of the WHYS. One question that my sponsor continually asked me, which helped keep me on track, was: "if you knew the answer to your question, would it REALLY change anything?" In my opinion, the "why" of where we are, what we are going through, how we are feeling, etc., is not nearly as important as the "what". In the immortal words of Joe Friday (Dragnet) - "Just the facts ma'am"
You sound like you are starting in a good place, from a self esteem perspective etc... I would encourage you to read all you can, get yourself to meetings, and take YOUR recovery seriously. And your recovery is not complete if/when he goes away.... This crud has done damage to you as well, and taking care of YOU here is important.
Take care, and hope you keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The lying stuff bothers me a lot. I think it is tough to sort out where you looked away and when you realised what you were dealing with. I now I abnsolutely 100% rush into relatoionsips and that is a pattern I have been really trying to change a lot.
The money stuff is a huge huge huge issue in my life. The A sucks up lots of money. He is always in crisis. He puts on a martyr act and blames everyone else. He is manipulative too. My A comes across to everyone as the nicest guy in the world. He has a whole other irresponsible immature side that most people do not see. I do though I live with it.
I feel for you having a small child that is a huge undertaking.
I would also caution against even thinking of when the next relapse happens. First of all I think we set ourselves up with that. I also found that I had to really immerse myself in this program for a while before I could make decisions that were "right" for me. I never made decisions for me before they were always for other around me.
Glad you are here, marriage2, and welcome. I agree with Tom, he just about said it all.
You sound light years ahead of where I was when I found Alanon, able to see that you need to take care of yourself and your children. I have learned so much here, for instance, don't make ultimatums you can't stick with. That was a big one for me. Also, I am ACOA, and this is not the only alcoholic relationship I have had. But, what I didn't understand then, is that I need a program for me, whether or not the A stays or goes, I have been affected by the disease, and I need to work on my recovery.
Hope you keep coming back. This is a wonderful place, full of love, hope, and understanding.
Just wanted to comment on what you said about "the kick him out scenario". Actually, with your boundaries that you've set, you are putting that power in HIS hands, not yours. If he drinks again, according to your boundaries, he is kicking himself out. You are only reinforcing your boundaries.
I used that with my daughter, if she didn't treat me with respect and follow our house "rules", she will have to leave. She said, "what, you're kicking me out????" I said, no, it's your choice, you will be in control of that choice. And I have that boundary with my now-sober-for-2-years husband.
