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I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with the A. All week he has been extremely angry and manipulative. First it was about buying a guitar and angry because we didn't have the money for him to continue putting it on lay-a-way. Then he was angry because he thought I was telling him he couldn't play music anymore. Projecting that "indirectly" I wanted him to quit. Not so... just wanted to compromise on his time. He was so cold and callous didn't care that he hurt me. Then he was angry because i wouldn't put the guitar on my credit card. Now he's pissed because i won't let him use my van to deliver pizza's on Sunday. I explained I have a friend coming in from out of town and that I want my van. It hasn't been cleaned in a month because he continues to drive it. he says I'm not a partner and that I dont compromise on anything. he says why should I compromise and change but when it comes to you you don't have to do anything. I have started standing up for myself and using my boundaries and he doesn't like it. Saying no and hearing no is not in his vocabulary. He's been sober but not working program not going to counseling. He's been so nasty and verbally abusive. I begin crying on the phone and he says "Go ahead and cry I don't care". Sounds like a child that won't get his way. I had enough... I asked HP why am I doing this to myself? Why am I allowing this man to verbally and emotionally tear me down? What's wrong with me. I called him back up and said "I think we're done". He said good... whatever makes you happy.
I love this man so much. Since our reconciliation I have worked hard on my program, I've had some slips but nothing as bad as I used to be. Since he's been home I've taken a lot of crap. Now I'm wondering if I can take much more. I'm wondering if he'll ever get healthy... and how much longer can I wait? My plan B is to sell the condo and move in with my mom and her husband. Not really where I want to live. I like my job and I've been in this area for 15 years now. I'm not really ready to leave, but I can't make it on my own because of the childcare expense. I can't depend on the A because chances are when he leaves he'll pick up the bottle again. Such big stuff to think about, scary the unknown. Any ESH would greatly be appreciated. Thanks friends.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am so sorry you are experiencing all of this. Sounds to me like you are shouldering the load. Don't know as I have much experience yet but in the last couple of months I have learned that boundaries seem to make everyone nasty if they are not used to them.
Please continue to stand up for yourself.
Other than that all I have is hugs.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
It sounds like you are working really hard on your program, setting boundaries, sticking to them. I can absolutely relate to the backlash that we receive when we change our behavior. I know it is hard, but...(and I am speaking to myself right now as well)...I think we need to stay focused on our own program, and not if or how our A's are working there. They may never work it to our expectations, so better to not have any.
I have found that if I stay firm on my boundaries (many of which are financial) that my A does eventually get it. But don't think for a minute that he does not seek the opportunity to see if I am at a weak moment. I just have to remember that he is still an alcoholic, sober or not, and with that in mind, the behaviors are just that, alcoholic behaviors. It is what it is... I may not like it, but I cannot change it, only me. So, I keep plan B in the back of my head. Not one I want to act on today, but it is there, it is safe, it is ok, and when and if the time comes that I need to act on it, my HP will let me know, because at that point it will look fantastic in comparison to whatever I am dealing with.
(((((((twinmom2))))))) What about a plan C. Sometimes we limit ourselves on options. Can you talk to a Women's Abuse Center where they have free counseling and advice? They may have options/ideas that you don't know are even out there. There may be services for day care etc. that are available that they may known or know where you can find out. Keep working your program and check into as many resources as you can for yourself. You may even feel empowered by just doing this even if you don't follow through. I am speaking from experience and I am still married now for almost 28 years. I felt so empowered when I did the same thing. Verbal abuse was and is what I live with. The Women's Abuse Center helped me so much! cdb
I can so relate to your post. When my husband is not working his program he gets very nasty and verbally abusive. My sponsor tells me that the reason I stay is 2 fold. I get some sick satisfaction out of it and until that gets resolved I will continue to stay. Secondly, there is a lesson I have to learn and until I learn the lesson I will continue to stay. I have fought her on this several times telling her she is nuts lol. However, after some soul-searching over this I have found that she might just be right after all. I am working through this and am coming up with many issues. Some of which revolve around my relationship with my father and continuing to seek a relationship with him that will never be what I want it to be. It isn't much different with my husband. It also revolves around acceptance for me.
I hope you can find the answers you are seeking. Good luck to you.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
First of all, let me say that I see you have come one full turn around the jolly merry go round once again, and here you are back at this same juncture.
Well Twinmom, you requested ESH, I have some for you I think.
My A was the very SAME thing! Sorry, and then so determined to get well, and I would see the sorry and sad person he was. He was really quite a talker, and I loved him so much and he would say all of the things I wanted to hear him say just when I was completely utterly at the end of my rope. When I was done done done...he would beg for a chance. I would almost grudgingly give it to him. We spent a year apart too, seeing other people. A sad time for me, and my children too, who love him dearly.
I even put some pressure on myself to try sooo hard to make it work, because my children's father is a druggie, and the marriage failed so I was determined that I did not want them to go through that loss again.
I spent eight years trying to talk some sense into my husband, only to fail miserably and have a terrible time too. I spent the next six and a half years trying to deal with my A boyfriend (live-in) that were sheer heartbreak and frustration. Now I could give you many examples of the times when I was thwarted, pushed aside, had my feelings ignored, and told I was unreasonable. I could tell you about all of the fights, the talks, the reconciliations, the trust problems, the apologies. I could also tell you about all the laughs and the good times and the intimate moments when I felt like there would never, ever be anyone I felt this way about again and that I would know this well and would know me like this too.
Now....well I am on my own. I am because I realized that I was banging my head against the wall. I could never trust him, really, anymore. There would always be a threat in the back of my mind, even if he never took another drink for ten years, that it would happen again. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I really figured...and I know that you already know this.....that this is not what real love is like. Real love is trust and honesty and FRIENDSHIP and feeling relaxed with someone. I asked myself if I would let a friend treat me like this? The answer was no. If a member of my birth family treated me like this, I would avoid them. That told me that this was unhealthy.
I didn't blame him though. I blamed myself. I had to start there, because then once I accepted the blame for what was happening in my and my children's life, I could take responsibility for it. No more "if only he would smarten up" or "if only he would jsut not drink anymore". Nope. It was now "If only I could find out what is wrong with me?" and "what is going on in me that I feel like I need this and accept this and want this in some weird way?"
I figured out that I needed to get off the merry go round, it was too distracting. I had to allow lots of time to just get back to me, and search my past and my family and my soul without all the bullsh*& pulling me irresistably away. At first it was so lonely and boring that I thought I would scream, and I even did a bunch of times. I drank myself! I cried and cried. I would block my number and call him and then not talk, JUST because it felt like I was doing something with him.
This is when Al-Anon came in really, really handy for me. ODAT, and take it easy, and breathe, just breathe, one moment at a time. It took six weeks for me to just start to be OK and accept it and stop thinking it was temporary but I wanted it over but he will get help now because he will miss us sooo much and WANT to be good. He was calling me and saying he wanted to come home, he wanted to go to AA, he wanted to get his life back on track, how good we all are for him, and how he misses us and loves us and wants to be good for us and for him. Just what the docotr ordered. Hmmmm......I waited because Al-Anon gave me those tools to wait and breathe through it. It was rocky and one of the hardest things I ever had to do before. I still fight it. I still want to call, I still want to know how he is doing. I sorta hope he is a drop dead drunk so I can be justified, I sorta want him to dry up and flourish and be a success because I love him and want the best for him. It would be easier for me if I had some proof that I was right.
In reality, he spent some time drinking. Did nothing in his life for the better. Now he is sober again, he says. No AA though. Do I believe that he will stay sober? A resounding NO comes to mind. I don't need proof. I have worked far enough that I am much more mindful of my feelings now too. I am less willing to let them take a back seat to what is going on in other people. I have taken up running. I feel better.I am not 100% well by far, but at least I have a chance now because I am stronger without him and am focused on my recovery truly now.
I asked him to leave and he left on January 28, 2006.
I still can honestly say that I love him. I hate him too for putting us through this crap. But at least it is over, and I can carry on with my life now. It took two to tango, and I am tired. I don't wanna dance anymore.
I hope my experience helps you in some way. I'm sorry it was so long, but you sounded like you need someone to reach out. I read every post you write because I feel like you mirror so closely what I have gone through. I am rootinig for you and I hope you get what you need, soon.
I struggled with answering your post. I really don't know what I am going to do either, and I don't have any indication that my AW will ever seek to be sober. With all we have been through, her denial is greater than any power I have ever seen.
She is having real issue with her blood pressure now. Taking anti-depressants and still drinking away. 14 drinks and raging away one night, sick as a dog the next. She then expressed that she was wrong... she thinks it was less than 12 beers, so must be allergies that made her sick. <sigh>
My mother told me a long time ago that if she even had a job while I was young, she would have left my A-father. She got lucky that he spent a month trying to drink himself to death and got arrested. The court ordered him to rehab and it took.
I can certainly understand your delima. A man you love, is still showing all the signs of the disease at it's worst, yet he is trying to clean up. For the moment anyway. I am here because I am codependant and my denial is that she will get better some day.
She might, and I hope she does. I have found l love her like I love my A-son. I wish him the best in this world, but I don't have any desire to live with him again. I am dealing with that feeling towards the one I pledged to be happy with for the rest of my days.
Sick, needy and loving, and I don't think I would ever have lost my feelings for her. Sick, raging, abusive and all the rest and I just don't feel the same any more.
You have some facts in your favor: I can see that you love yourself and your childeren enough to make good decissions (either way), and we will always be her for you reguardless of which way you go.
Know we care, and know you are in our prayers.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
What struck me was,"how long do i have to wait?" Wait for what? Hon he will never be healthy or cured. Never.
Sounds like he has no interest in being on a plan of recovery. So all he has done is stop one symptom, using.
He is still selfish, abusive, rude and on and on.
I see you have really worked on your program and be proud of you sticking to your boundaries. You are learning to take care of you.
This is one reason taking care of you is so important. You can get to where you don't need him at all for anything. Then if he does go on a program, you can just enjoy him with out expecting anything.
One of the keys of the program is accepting him as is at every moment. Not wishing he was something else.
I would not want anyone wishing I was something else.
Everyone wants to be loved just how they are, even A's. We can love them, but we don't have to live with them or be involved with them. That is that a fish and a bird can fall in love but where would they live?
I do relate.I used to feel I was waiting. NO longer. One day at a time is my life. It has changed everything for me.
I cannot handle more than one day. I will get out my tablet I call my brain, put the date on it and put my goals down for the day. If I go to the doc. I take notes in my brain tablet, if I need to take down a number I put it in there. Anything I want to remember, I write it in there.
Life is so complicated, if I do this I am not stressed at all.
