The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am posting here for the first time. I really need to vent..otherwise I will think about all this all day and it will impact everything I do today (it is only 7 am now!)..and maybe I will even lose my mind more.
My husband of 5 1/2 years is an active alcoholic. I knew from the first month together that he was an alcoholic but I made lots of excuses. I blamed it on his culture, and that fact that he was going through crisis. I blamed it on the stress that was caused by our relationship (as he was with someone else when we met and they seperated after we met). And then I blamed it on the changes that he experienced before we married.
Once in a while when I tell others about his ridiculous behavior I still use all these excuses. I am embarassed to admit that I married an alcoholic. My stepfather was an alcoholic and I swore up and down that I would NEVER be with one. I feel so foolish to be with him..people say why would you do that you have lots of degrees in psychology ..u know better!!
And so I feel so stupid...and when he drinks, I become a lunatic. I become nasty and aggressive and as everyone here knows..that onlymakes things worse! I am so angry at myself for being with him and for not having the strength to leave. We have no children, I have good jobs and money and so there is NO real reason for me to be stuck with him...and yet I can't leave. After the anger passes,I look at him...and I just want to be with him. Until the next time he hangs out with teh boys and stumbles home.
I don't know what to do. i have tried al anon meetings and I didn't like them. I hated to hear how others still are impacted by the A's behavior. It makes me angry...at them and at myself! And because I am so embaressed, i could not speak ... Maybe I will try some meetings online ..but until then, thanks for letting me vent! At least I will be a bit more sane for one more day!
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and it took me 6 months to figure out he was an alchoholic. By then I loved him, and stayed with him, even though he was already becoming very verbally abusive.
Then I even had a baby with him, and when she was born 3 months early, he was MIA for almost 2 days while I was in the hospital all alone, fighting hemmorraging that wouldn't stop, and being scared to death our daughter was going to die and I would be all alone to deal with that. My family lives on the other coast, so I literally had nobody.
When he finally shows up, drunk of course, he gets mad at ME because I started crying, and told me to stop being such a drama queen. I started right then with plans to leave him, and it took me almost a year, but I did.
And I was on my own for a year, and so happy and free....meanwhile he ends up in rehab twice, and eventually jail. So when he gets out of jail and wants to see our daughter, I go meet him. And long story short, within a month I am right back in it.
Living with him, feeling horrible and desperate, and hating myself because I don't know why I keep doing this! And I am really embarrassed, especially with my family, because I know they are confused as to why I am doing this. I have two grown daughters, whom I have always been very close to, and one won't even visit me at my home because he is here again.
I have just started posting on this board, and I am going to try a meeting right down the street from my house on saturday. I have never been to one, but I am desperate to try anything at this point. So heres to you and me, trying to figure it out, and have some peace in our lives!
I feel your pain and can identify with it so much. Just recently I have come to a lot of realisations for myself, many of which were helped by reading these pages. I am going through a split with my Aboyfriend at the moment.........he's been in rehab but keeps slipping and disappearing for days........I can't do it anymore........ But I know what you mean that when it calms down..........and you just want to be with him. This is so, so hard. I found it almost impossible to do the right thing (for me), which was to protect myself from the chaos of it all.
I was told "If nothing changes nothing changes" and I am finally now realising this. And so I am changing, I'm refusing to be treated in a less than respectful way anymore......ever again. I don't know what else will change with me but I know I have to save my own sanity. I have worked with addicts, and have good academic grades, and somehow felt I was too aware to be codepandant (or something silly like this). I now am humble. I know I am suffering myself and accept this. I now realise that there is freedom in surrendering to my powerlesness. It's taken me a long time to get this far...........I hope you are not so hard on yourself!
Welcome to MIP, and hope you find lots of good stuff here, as there are a ton of good people here, ready to share their experiences.
I am a strong proponent of Al-Anon, and believe it to be (almost) equally important to us, as AA is for the alcoholics. It took me a long time to admit how sick I had become through all this, and the old saying is that you will choose recovery, for you, when you truly become "sick and tired of being sick and tired".
Please try to be nicer to yourself, as beating yourself up over what you should have done, what you should have seen, is all a part of the sickness that keeps us hurting. Another good saying, that I still use today, is: "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time".....
Dealing with active alcoholism is very difficult, and one that can be overwhelming if you try it alone. Good for you in posting here, and I hope you keep coming back.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My mother was a severely abusive alcoholic. I started my own alcoholic self destruction. My son's father was/is a severely abusive alcoholic. The man I lived with for 8 yrs after I left the son's father..even MORE of an alcoholic. Thinking I was either cursed or dumber than a solid ounce of brickdust I continued to date nothing BUT alcoholics. From top to bottom I felt extremely stupid. I couldn't get any explanation as to why I insisted on engaging in relationships that involve alcohol,very well knowing the familiar fights,abuse and torrents of tears in store.
NOW..I'm with another A, yet this time I've let the self abuse go. For reasons unknown to me,it's just been this way. Maybe I had to go along this road to be able to cope with the mate I finally found a greater peace with(he works,provides for me very well and truly loves me.He rips himself up to the point of self destruction with the alcohol.) If I hadn't gone through the experiences I doubt I'd have given this relationship any kind of chance. He's a decent man yet the ugly beast of alcoholism is devouring him and if he is indeed the man I plan to spend my time with..I owe it to myself to regard my past experience as part of a learning set of tools to help get us through;not as stupidity.
As I read more posts and utilize the advice that has made my living with my A bearable I can also see that many of us may have felt we were stupid for willingly being with our A-s. It's not so, in many cases. There are varying degrees of stupidity that many of us can engage in, but caring for and wishing the best for one we truly love is not stupidity. It's selfless hope. All that is necessary is to be able to balance it with taking care of what WE need in order to function without insane consequences regardless of how our A-s may act.
Take care and realize that if you were TRULY stupid my friend, you would NEVER have thought enough to seek help and support as you have.
