The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do you deal with the anger at alcoholics and the despair over your life and what you have to live with the rest of your life? I don't see a bright future for me right now.My life is empty.I have no fun and no love.I am reading the literature.Actually I am reading Getting Them Sober,a book higly recommended here.But I am finding that I am starting to feel sick of the whole thing.I am sick of their disease.I am sick of my own disease which was caused by their disease.I read posts from other women and I think about all the millions of people out there who are suffering and in pain because of someone else's self centered,cruel,self serving,life draining,DISEASE.
We love these people.Ok,right there tells me something is wrong with THAT.How can we love them?They certainly do not love us.Even the ones who get sober will turn dry and mean.Or they will be wonderful but you have to keep waiting for that shoe to drop.What kind of life is this?
I know I am going to have a very hard time trusting any man after we separate.Someone posted about a man she met in church and he turned out to be an A.Another one met a terrific guy online and HE turned out to be an A.I do not want to attract them anymore.They are only drawn to my goodness,my generosity,my loyalty and my need to give love and receive love.They just want to drain every drop from you until you are a shell of a person.
That is what I have been for 36 years.A shell of a person totally devoted to a man who could not have cared less about me.But that didn't stop me from trying to win his love.And now after all that he is ready to drop me in an instant as soon as he finds someone else who will have him.And he's looking.All those years mean nothing to him.I mean nothing to him except someone to talk to about himself.Someone to tell his troubles to and complain to.Someone to dump on.Someone he thinks is only concerned for his needs and has no needs of her own.I taught him that didn't I? Well where did I learn it?From my non a mother who has been a shell of a person too catering to the whims and needs of 6 alcoholic children.I'm the only one who didn't get THAT disease but I got her disease.
You know the a's have it easy.They have people running around just begging them to let them show their undying love.People who just want to take care of them.Who will gladly give up their lives for them. But the A's are dieing you say? What and we're not? How many alanons have health problems ,serious ones, from the stress of living with A's?? I have had high blood pressure since I was in my 20's.Now I have pre diabetes.
Yes, I am angry.I look at my life and to me it was wasted.We had no children because I was too focused on him and he was too jealous of the time I spent with nieces and nephews.I couldn't get pregnant easily like most women.I might have had to take fertility drugs.But you know what? I was afraid that if we went for testing and the problem turned out to be him,he wouldn't be able to deal with it.Our kids would have been sick anyway.The DISEASE would have been passed on.So it's probably for the best.
So here I am.I have no life. I am a night person working a dayshift job.I drag myself out of bed every day.I live for the weekend.But then I have no life at home either.I spend weekends driving an hour each way to take care of my 90 year old mom and cleaning the house and doing laundry.I sleep in on weekends.The only joy I get out of life is sleeping and food.
And I don't see much better down the road.The books tell me that you can't lose an A.So after the house sells and we separate he will still be in my life somehow.I still have 2 a sisters and 2 a brothers.I have one good friend who is very inmeshed with her husband.Her weekends all revolve around him.
I don't go to f2f meetings because I have never been comfortable in them.I have tried MANY times over the 16 years my AH has been "sober". I just don't fit in and I have tried many.I am just not a people person.Maybe that is MY disease.( which I wouldn't have if it had not been for THEIR disease!)
Right now I just don't care anymore.I am done.Sorry, I have no compassion for a's.It's hard to cough up any compassion for people who only care about themselves.Over their kids,their wives,even their pets.The sad state of my life is they are all I have. d
I can totally relate where you are coming from, it is hard to find compassion for someone who makes us miserable....
For me it was seperating the disease from the man...it was a hard thing to do but nevertheless it was doable.....I did that, I love the man I married, just hate what this hellish disease does to him and my family.....Of course, him finding sobriety helped...
For you Dear Dru, you do whatever it is that will make you happy....just remember to live your life everyday......Live it to the fullest....we are not sure we will have tomorrow....we have today and today is life.......when you can find yourself again you will have some peace....and this friend is my wish for you...just a little peace
i can so relate to those feelings. sometimes my hate for my a overwhelms me. and at this point it isn't even about what he has done to me it's what he is doing to our kids. but i have choices. i can be miserable and hateful, and sometimes i am, but i can choose to not be those things. i can choose to be happy and content. just for today or this hour or right now. i used to do it just despite him. not that he noticed or cared. but i would think " fine you jerk, i am going to be ok today. maybe even happy no matter what you say to me or don't say to me!" and i would do just that. and later i would think "wow i was ok today and he was a miserable ass. stinks to be him! haha!" that was the only way i could detatch. now it is just what i do. now it is less common for me to be caught up in him. now i detatch for me because it feels better. on good days i even do it with love and good thoughts towards him. not all days....just good ones. i hope however you can do it you can detatch from those feelings. you are a worthy person just because you are here on earth. my life is good only when i choose it to be. good luck and peace
I read your post and honestly at first I wasnt going to respond cause I saw that hurt and pain .I been there and it is not a fun place to be .I only can tell you my storyI will try to keep it short.
I was born in a alcoholic family.I was raped from my alcoholic step father from the age of 9 I think till the age of 12.I was taken away and put in the foster care system where is was nothing but hell-o and torment.
I married abusive men .My sister who loved me uncontionally was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 21.
I fell in love with some one who I thought finally some one loved me well it turned out he was a addict and alcholic and years of abuse.I finally left him and landed in alanon he went to rehab and aa and we started working on getting back together.
Till one day I caught him with some one he met in aa.I was shattered all the abuse the alcholics in my life I had a nervous breakdown ,
I lost my job my health but I kept in alanon.Now I can say I am getting well not perfect but better.I hated aa i blamed aa i hated any one who drank .
my sponsor suggested i go to aa meetings .i went and the first one i went to i yelled at them. I didnt go for long time after that i kept going to alanon.
Just recently I went back to a different aa meetings and my ex a in my life new gf he met in aa was the speaker and he wasnt there but real healing took place cause i worked step 1-3 .i was able to listen to her share and even thank her.i was able to let go off all the painand as she shared even about him i had compassion for her.
This is not to say i got it all together i would never be to foolish.my point is this it takes going to alanon posting here getting a sponsor and worknig the steps and you start to see the small miracles.
i am sorry for your pain and anger and belive me from one who been there i understand . thanks for posting keep posting
Drucilla, I totally understand every word you have written. I have, during my marriage to the A, from whom I am now divorced, felt every emotion you spoke of. I still harbor anger and resentment, even though we are still together, he is sober, and things are good. Usually is is burried deep within me, only occasionally coming to the surface. The day will never dawn when I completely trust him and his damned DISEASE! It takes a terrible toll on us, and some of us do not find that "serenity" I hear so much about. MY A is a good man, full of gentleness, humor, charm, and elegance. But he is also an alcoholic, and that's never far from my mind.
I'll keep you close in my thoughts, and I send you a hug... ((((((((((((((((((((((((Dru)))))))))))))))))))))))
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Honor your feelings. They are real. I can identify with all those years of making sacrifices and plans, and they say I am outa here, don't care about you, and there just has to be someone better than you. Mine has been sober for 20 years and is a dry drunk. And he left but comes around it seems to rub it in. At least you are caring for your mother - some people don't.
What comes to mind is codependency. We are trained in our youth to focus on others and are not given a chance to learn how to take care of ourselves. Please hang in there. Your posts and responses to others mean alot. Our HP has something better for us.
