The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have recently reconciled. During and before our separation he was not contributing financially to the household. About 3-4 weeks before we reconciled he began giving me a minimal amount of money each week. I let him know that I appreciated the contribution and that I do have compassion and understanding for the fact that he is in quite a financial pickle as a result of choices he made while active and even in recovery, having had no source of income he borrowed money, used credit cards etc. I really do not even know who he owes what to, not my business. Well, he agreed that he would increase the amount on June 1. That did not occur, well at least not to the agreed upon amount, just a little. This was not discussed by him, he just did not do it. A few times I gently asked if he was working on getting his own stuff in order so that I would be able to count on the amount we had agreed upon. He said he was working on it. Over the past few weeks I noticed that he owuld occasionally have money on him. He drive limousines and sometimes gets cash gratuities, so he would have csash on him. He also mentioned that he had to be paying his sister money, a few phone calls came in regarding bills... Well, I began to realize that since I was not really addressing the issue, he was just going to let it slide, path of least resistance. He who makes the most noise wins. So...
This morning I thanked him for having made the deposit yesterday. Then I brought up the fact that it was still not the amount we had agreed upon and that this amount only would cover half of the bills (not groceries, gas, kids stuff, haircuts, savings, taxes, household projects etc... just mortgage, car, utilities, phone etc.) and that he is not even making that contribution. I explained that I felt as though his obligation to the household was taking a very backseat to the other financial obligations he has and that I thought that was not fair. That the household should come first and that after that obligation was met he should make arrangements for the other things. I also explained that I was beginning to feel resentful that he would have cash in his pocket, and not be concerned that he was not meeting his obligation.
It was a pleasant conversation, not sure how much headway we made but...he let me know later in the day that he had made a second deposit of the difference between what he put in yesterday and what we had a agreed upon..
So... how do I feel....angry, that he had the money and was just choosing to not contibute because I was allowing it... guilty... don't know why, maybe that by his making the second deposit he will be strapped for money...confused... that I would feel guilty, when he obviously doesn't feel that way....
Man, this is hard work, I had hoped that by typing it all out I might feel a little better, but.. well, I guess what it did do was help me to validate the feelings and now, maybe a some ESH will help me gain some clarity.
you seem suprised he didnt keep his promise to you on how much he wwas going to give you.He is a addict and they dont always do what they say they are going to do.I am single parent so I understand financial issues what I am saying is do what you got to do to take care of you and if he gives you something it is added money but dont count on his money to take care of you. Be prepared. dori
My A is always in a financial mess. When I first met him I was incredibly generous to him. These days I am not. I do not "over give". I tend more to my side of the street. I find it very hard not to be generous but it is harder to be resentful.
Personally I think A's live in a permannet state of denial and want someone else to clean it up for them. I stopped cleaning up, nevertheless I still have to pay (or rather choose to pay I should say ) from time to time for his messes. He lets the electricity go down, he does not pay the rent. He claims towork all the time (16 hours a day) but never has a penny. He also is not upfront about how much he spend on drugs.
Well at least you addressed the problem and that is all that matters. Now, if he can't keep his promise on the new money situation and he doesn't have enough for himself to survive I am sure he will tell you but other than that, I wouldn't worry so much about that part because that is his deal. If he had the money all along, well I would find a way of letting that go and just celebrate the fact that you took care of the situation and that maybe one day he will too. You are doing great and I applaude you for keeping tabs on it and asking him....that was a hard thing for me to do because it made me feel like I was going to become victom of emotional abuse by bringing it up but this program has made me stronger and it has made me deal with addicted minds....Thank you HP!!
I can so relate to your post - my AH & I decide to reconsile after 15 months of sobriety - Finances was one of the hardest topics to discuss. Before it was he would give me money out of his paycheck and I would pay all the bills - He shared that did work for him any more - He wanted to pay the bills directly. Talk about an instant resentment - especially when some of those bills were paid late and utilities disconnected -
2 years later - money is still a tough subject for us, but it is getting better. He still pays the bills a little late and has to pay the late fees, but no disconnects in over a year. It was hard for me to learn to speak up when I needed help with meeting extra expenses, but I am working on it - he acutally has even volunteered to pay for a few of the birthday gifts for our family members lately - which is so very shocking!!
So keep working on setting those boundaries for you and hopefully his sobriety and self-esteem will help him start achieving the needed responsibility also,
Thanks for your post,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
It always helps me to see things in black and white myself.
The greatest thing that I did was become financially independent and have no expectations either. Anything given is a bonus. My situation is a little different from yours though but I am happy to be totally dependent upon myself financially. I've changed jobs to increase my income. I've cut expenses to increase my cash flow.
The only part about being home when my children were small that I hated was "asking for any amount of money." Felt like I was a child again.
Just wanted to give you some support. Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I have read your post and all the wonderful responses you have received. I just want to add my support to the list.
I agree with what I read from many here - that it is better to set yourself up financially on your own and not depend or expect anything from your A. That way, your bills won't fall behind just b/c your A doesn't follow through. And when you do get that money, save it for a rainy day, an emergency or just to fall back on one month when you are hit with some extra unexpected expenses.
My A and I are currently trying to work out our marriage BUT I am still actively working on my "Plan B". We are selling the big house and I AM BUYING a smaller one that I can afford on my own with or without his help. I am setting it up so that if/when things don't work out, I know I will be ok on my own w/the kids. It is tough to set up but I feel my confidence growing more and more as my plan works out. And my bonus: if my A and I manage to stay together (meaning he stays clean and sober and acting right) then I (and my family, A included) will have extra money for spend on luxuries like nice vacations and dinners out once in a while.
So you work on YOU and the kids. Keep your chin up even on those tough days. Let your A know what you expect from him and try not to get overwhelmed or disappointed when things don't work out the way you want or need them to.
