Recently I posted about an issue with my active A father and his move a couple thousand miles away.  My father said that he would visit all his kids and grandchildren before he leaves.  He leaves tomorrow and has yet to do any of what he said.  I did expect that this would be the case and am not surprised or hurt by it.  It is how he is. 

The other day I called him to fill him in on my middle daughter's recent school and sports accomplishments.  I left him a message on his cell phone explaining all the details of my daughter's awards and wins.  Many hours later I received a phone call from him obviously intoxicated, wanting to know what I wanted.  I started to tell him of the days events for my daughter and he continued to change the subject.  I politely informed him that I did not appreciate him doing this and asked if he wanted me to tell him of the events.  He said yes then continued the behaviors.  I quit trying, talked to him for a minute longer then excused myself from the call.  After I hung up I felt good about myself in the way I handled it.

I also called my daughter's father (also active) to fill him in on the details thinking he may contact his daughter to congratulate her.  He did not call her.

Since that call however, I have thought a lot about the choices the A's in our lives make.  How many wonderful moments they miss out on in their families lives.  How sad it must be to live that kind of a life.  My father has made the choice to get to know only a few of his grandchildren and has missed so many of their events over the years due to his disease and selfishness. 

But what my kids lack from their father or their grandfather they have made up from my step-father who I introduce as my father.  He has 30 years recovery in November.  He attends as many events as possible for all 10 of his grandchildren and a few of the ones he has inherited through my kids.  He often tells me how enriched his life is as a result.  He knows the feeling of missing out on his kids lives as he wasnt there for his 2 in their early years due to the disease and later years due to vindictive ex-wife. 

I can say that I am sad to see my father move so far away with so many unresolved issues between us.  I can say that I am sad that his grandchildren have not had the benefit of a good relationship with him.  And I can also say that I do not feel sorry for myself, he is who he is.  I can love him.  I feel sorry for him for all that he has chosen to ignore in his life.  For he truly does not know what he has missed all these years.

Karen