The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just need to vent a little.... things were weird this weekend. My AH has relapsed after a year of sobriety last year and this year has been horrible, I hit my bottom of co-dependency dealing with it. I am learning to detach and it is tough, but the best thing for me that has ever happened I think! I am learning that I cannot give him a program (I am recovering - two years sober) or cure this alcoholism.
We separated earlier this spring and he pretty much begged me to come back. I did, and things got weird again. He is never home, always working, going out, and we are not connecting in a reconstructive way. He binge drinks, then feels horrible and stops for a week or so.
I have a friend that needed someone to housesit her house so I am staying there for 10 days (good break). It has been a good time for me, lots of reading and trying to practice detachment (I'm not doing so great with the phone, I'm always worried about him and calling). We were going to have a "date" yesterday to spend some time finally, and he had too much going on. I told him that was fine, it was probably better that we spend some time apart for now. He said thanks for being patient and understanding with him. Then he called lastnight, breaking down again. He finally told me how he was feeling, which probably is a good step because he is not communicating with anyone about feelings or pain.
He said he didn't want things to end, he wants to get better. He said I was his best friend and that we have been through everything, and we'll get through this. I just told him I don't know. I am pretty close to having had enough of this chaos. I feel such sympathy for him (especially since I know the pain firsthand!), but told him that he needs to talk to someone else, not me. He claims I can help him with sobriety because I've done so well. I told him it took work, and help from others. I don't know what to expect any more, but he goes back and forth between not wanting to talk about alcohol abuse and then wanting help from me. I told him I can't help him. My cousin who is in AA told me the best thing I can do for him is to set the example.
I hate to see him in so much pain, but I am learning so much from all of you and your ESH. Thank you so much for being here. This is a horrible thing to see in someone you love. I just pray for him....
So glad you found this site - hope you continue to come back - It has been shared with me by several members of AA that we the family (wives, husbands, boyfriends,girlfriends, moms,dad,sisters,brothers,etc.) can't help the active drinkers/users obtain sobriety. We are too close. This became so very real to our household when our 27 year old daugher kept wanting my AH who has 3 years sobriety to "help" with recovery. But I could see where she was manipulating him with our grandchildren, guilt from her childhood when he wasn't in recovery, etc. He couldn't see it - His sponsor had to point this out to him. Our friends in AA had to show us that as family we are way to close to help her get sober. We had to go completely hands off - tell her to start calling other people in the program. Of course, she didn't want to hear that and got angry. For about six months it was not good between us and her disease really took control of her life.
I am grateful to say that she just finished a 28 day inpatient treatment program last week. She actually was in there 2 weeks before we even knew anything about it. As it should be.
We are too close to help her get sober. As she maintains her sobriety, then we can share our recovery . . .
Just our e,s, & h,
Best wishes, thoughts & prayers for you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am so glad that you are learning how to detach. For me, it was the hardest thing to understand, to do, to stick with, and become a master of....master? Still not there...lol!!!
Anyway, you are doing great it sounds like. Just know that everyones bottom is a bit different and you hit yours two years ago..congrats on your sobriety by the way....
His will soon come and just if we learn how to let them hit thiers and stay on a road to recovery and just grow without getting sucked into the Chaos...then it's ok to stick around because he can totally learn from you but we also have to take care of yourselves and we know when it's time to go to protect what we have worked so hard for too....
Just wanted to say job well done on your sobriety and detaching!!!!
