The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My recovering A husband has been clean for 15 months. At first, of course, things were great. His mother passed away about 2 months ago and it seems like we have gone down hill from there. I do feel deep sorrow for his loss and understand he needs his greiving time. About a week after his mother passed his old behaviors have come back to life!! Sometimes he treats me like Im a peice of dirt on his shoe. (these are my feelings) He attacks my children (his stepkids) with an ugly, mean attitude and does the same to me. He totally disrespects me and my feelings. If I confront him, to tell him how he is making me feel, he becomes defensive. We are going to counseling and he admits this there, but soon goes back to his attitude if something makes him upset. I feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am going to counseling, reading literature and talking with other's in recovery. I at times, just want to throw in the towel, but I do love him and with all that we have been through, don't want to just give up. We have been in a great relationship where we cared about how the other was feeling and would work on what we could to help change the things we needed to. He preaches, sleeps and works the program with others, but I seem to be exempt right now. Any advise?
I see this is your first post, welcome to Miracles in Progress! I'm surprised no one else responsded to you yet ~ people must have been out today enjoying their Sunday. Have you come into the chat room? It helps to vent there & we have meetings twice a day on-line. I've gone in there at 3:30 am - to find myself completely alone, waited 5 minutes & ppl came streaming in.
There are many, many folks here that live with active A spouses, YANA (you are not alone). A's (alcoholics/addicts) preach a lot, verbally abuse those closest to them & are the master manipulators of the Earth. The keystone of their compulsion/disease is that they blame everyone else for their problems & take NO responsibility for their actions. It is their common mode of behavior.
You say your A has gone back to using, talking lip service to the Program or being "dry" (just abstaining) is NOT recovering. If he's still abusing you & the kids, that's NOT recovery.
We still have our own issues to heal from this disease. It is insidious & A's will set us up to enable them little by little controlling the family either through anxiety/fear, guilt, anger & will also use our love for them. It takes time to see how our reactions feed into their behaviors, giving them a pay-off to continue to do it.
One of our slogans is the 3 C's: We didn't cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it. I like to think of them proactively: I can change myself, I can control myself, (therefore) I can cure myself. ODAT (one day at a time) some days I have to go by the minute or even moments.
I spent my life feeling inadequate, crazy, guilty... little by little I am getting my feet grounded in reality - not in another's refelction of what that is but actual, truth. I have a lot going for me & 90% of the time I still can't see it. That early/old programming takes a lot of continuous & conscious effort to replace with positive, healthy thoughts.
I can only be used & abused if I "fall for it" ~ standing up for ourselves is hard for us & generally the cahnge in our behavior makes the A's react differently & in the beginning it isn't always so pleasant. We have to support each other so we can set boundaries & make positive changes for us & especially when children are involved. Also this stops enabling the A, so they are forced to change by the "ripple effect." Just make sure you are safe & not putting yourself into a violent situation... and that you have a plan/place to go if violence occurs.
Take care of you, glad you found the site, hope you keep coming back, writing helps us to 'think it out' ~ even hearing other ppl's ESH gives us ideas & encouragement.
I grew up ACOA & have lots in the family... I lived w/ 1 addict after another, even married one that I (thankfully) divorced 6 years ago now.
If ever you need someone to talk to instantly, try the chat room, it's usually got ppl there 24/7.
Love, a friend in recovery, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. This is life with an A active or recovering. It is the disease talking and the disease can be very cunning. Alanon gives us lots of tools and the lesson to focus on ourselves. By sharing we learn from each other. I am at the same crossroads of loving my AH who is sober and wondering why I take the verbal abuse. Sometimes caring is not enough. We have to take care of ourselves. Keep coming back.
First off, I'm glad you found this board welcome home! Yes, my husband is an alcoholic and an addict and the things you discribe him doing and saying are common from what i have heard other members say as well. My husband has about the same amount of sobriety as yours. A few things came to mind when i read your post, first off that i could relate, at times my husband acts the same way. What i have learned in alanon is that an alcoholic or addict is still and alcoholic or addict even if they are not taking. When you take the rum out of a fruitcake you still have a fruitcake! In other words, drugs and alcohol are just symtoms, the disease is not the drugs, but rather the reason they take them. When they dont "medicate" the disease with them, which is often times called a "dry drunk." they can often times act worse.
I have found my husband when he's going threw one of theses stages act worse then when he was active. The best thing i can do when he's going thew something like this is remember that HE'S the one going thew it, and that i don't have to go along for the ride with him. For times like this, alanon teaches us to keep the focus on us rather then the alcoholic, it teaches us tools to use like the Serenity Prayer, detachment with love and sometimes to just get our butts out of the house and do our own thing! For me though, I wasn't able to do any of those untill i went thew my steps and found out why I wasn't able to in the first place, they freed me up to do and be a healthy happy person.
So glad you decide you to join MIP - hope you will continue to read and post here. I always have to remind myself just because my AH says "it" doesn't make "it" true - whatever "it" may be. My AH is a recovering alcoholic/addict and most of the time works a truly healthy program, but he is human just like the rest of us and can take some of his frustrations out on those closest to him - me. So just because he says some of those hurtful things doesn't mean they are true. I just have to remind myself that is the disease talking and I have the power to walk away - to distance myself from the situation. Sometimes, I tell him calmly I think we all need a break, a moment to get our emotions under control, or sometimes I just walk out of the room without saying anything. Then when things have calmed down we can try to discuss what happened later. Not saying this works all the time, but it is starting to help us communicate healthier. My AH even had to do that with me the other day when I was dealing with some fear on a situation and reacting on that fear. He said maybe we should just take a break for a few minutes then work on this a little later.
anyway, just my experience, strength & hope,
Thanks for letting me share,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My A has been sober now for 2 years and 2 months. No program, just no booze. He's as bad as, or worse, in his behavior than when he was a practicing drunk.
This is where the al anon program comes in for me. The catchy little slogans can be quoted over and over, like a mantra, during times of trouble. That takes my mind off what he's going to do, and returns the focus to me, and how I should let as much of that behavior as possible flow around me like a river.
Some days it's a whole lot easier said than done, and I lose my control and serenity if I do not continue to work my steps and program.
Thank you for sharing here with us, and continue to do so.
