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Hello. I have been reading this board for a few months, but have never posted. My situation is that I have been in a relationship with an alchoholic for over 5 years. He has been in and out of rehab, and always goes back to drinking. He finally, at the age of 45, got his first DUI. That, along with a couple of drunk and disorderlies, compelled a judge to put a SCRAM bracelet on his ankle for 3 months. So we are about halfway through the 3 months, and he hasn't been drinking, obviously, since he doesn't want to go to jail. It has been such a relief for me, because I don't have to worry right now that he is driving drunk, or spending money we don't have on drinking. And he has even been going to work every day. I won't say we have gotten along great in our relationship, because obviously all that stuff from before didn't just go away. But I haven't had to deal with the drunken rages and irrationality, which has been nice. And I can actually see where we could do alot to repair the damage that has been done to our relationship, now that he is sober.
But I am terrified about what will happen when that bracelet comes off of his ankle. I think he is just waiting for that to come off, so he can go right back to drinking. I don't understand this, because I know he feels so much better, and he seems happier, but he won't go to meetings, and he wont really talk about drinking or not drinking. I love him alot, but I just don't know what I will do if he goes right back to it.
The name of the game should and HAS to be what you're going to do for yourself.
We love and take care of our As. That's a common thread which binds most of us here on the message boards (as you can see by the months you've been reading). Unfortunately we often neglect what we need personally and end up depending on our As reactions, or lack of, to dictate our next moves on all too many subjects. This is a place to help heal. This is a place we can turn to when we feel overwhelmed and need support.
The relapses of our As bring us disappointment and frustration. This is a given. If we don't have the coping skills necessary to keep our footing for when they do wander again, our knees end up getting skinned and our hearts sustain weary bruises. One of the best ways I've been able to be ready for what has come my way so many times in the past..has only been to expect that anything can happen. You already have voiced your concern and it seems as if your insight is probabley right on with the lack of work on his part. The day may come where he'll voluntarily work things out. The day may not. I can guarantee you one thing though, the day you can take advantage of a safe place and understanding friends is here for you now.
It seems a small gift for you to not have to deal with the drunken behaviours as much as before. Take advantage of the relative calm to build a shell of support for yourself;it's quite a bit better than having to seek shelter in the midst of utter and complete chaos. Submit posts on the board when you find some extra time on your hands. Find a face-to-face if at all possible. Find a group online. Look for a pen pal via this board. Anything. Do anything possible to layer your strength and defenses for the time he may go back to old behaviours.
Since everyone is different, who knows, this may be a perfect time to discuss your feelings with him. Only you would know if that would serve a positive purpose.
But DO take the utmost care of yourself. Thanks for reading my reply since I walk a constant line of reminding myself to rely on my better judgement than on my own As inconsistant and crazy actions.
I would suggest to keep your self in meetings on line and face to face.if you dont have a sponsor get one.Even if he never drinks again it will help you .I dont know if he will go back to drinking but dont put all your thoughts into if he will drink or not drink . Work on you so you will be ok no matter what.
Thanks for your post and keep us updated and keep posting.Look for the small miracles and be thankful for each one of them.
Thank you for answering my post! I have let myself get really alone lately, and it is good to communicate with others. I know I need to focus on myself, and in alot of ways I am doing that more now than I have before, but it is hard. I was living seperately from him for over a year, and even had a protective order against him for some of that time, and I have let him move back in a couple of months ago when all his legal problems got so overwhelming, and he lost his apartment. So I am still taking care of him, and I don't really know how not to do that, even though I really resent it most of the time. It is really hard for me to know where to draw the line between being supportive and being co-dependant, I guess. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter who adores him, and I guess I just keep hoping we can both be parents to her. It just always seems so hopeless.....so why do I keep hoping?
So glad you have been here, and continue to return! We keep hoping because we love, because we know the good inside our A that is stolen from us by the alcohol. We want to remember the joy and love we share before the alcohol or drugs take over his/her mind. Well, that's how it is for me, anyhow. My A is still active, we have had our share of legal mess, too, due to rages while under the influence. We have been together since 1997,and married since 2000. He is on probation, not supposed to be drinking...but, guess what???Yep.
I thank God for Alanon, this site and the chatroom. I became a member on New Year's Day, 2006. I was so down, I don't know if I had been able to continue to live. I thank God everyday for showing me a new way to live.
I have to remember, like every 5 seconds, that I don't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Today, I choose to stay, because I am happier with him than without him, but everyone must choose their own path. Some people think I'm nuts for staying. Oh, well. It's my life. And, things are getting better, in spite of him drinking. I am learning, somewhat timidly, to set boundaries. I am learning to love myself, and to trust God, and to keep my hands off of my A. I sometimes think that if I'd found Alanon sooner, we wouldn't have had to go thru some of the bad stuff we did, due to my hysteria, and my twisted thinking.
Have you read "Getting Them Sober?" There are 4 volumes, and they are great books. There is also a website of the same name, by Toby Rice Drews.
So glad to meet you. Hope to talk to you soon. Keep coming back. Your child needs a mommy who takes care of herself, and to teach her to do the same.
Hello welcome. NOTHING CHANGES TIL SOMEONE CHANGES! I hope u are considering attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself waiting for someone to make me happy always gts me into trouble. Once settled in our program u will realize that u have choices ,he does not have to be the reason your happy you learn to set boundaries for yourself so that u can get your life back on track regardless of what he decides to do.
There is nothing ucan do about him but there is help for you , living with this disease is like living ona roller coaster one days is good the next one your in hell , it dosent have to be that way . good luck take care of you Louise
Yes, I am going to try going to some meetings. I just moved to a new town, and I know there are meetings everywhere. I definitely need to do something, because I'm tired of being depressed and stressed out about it all the time. I don't even feel like me most of the time. The last couple of years I have been dealing with him in all the wrong ways, by getting angry, hysterical, and sometimes even violent towards him, which I have never been before. And the kids definitely don't need to be dealing with that....That makes me just as bad as him, and I know it. I will definitely keep posting here, too. Thanks again for all the wonderful advice!
