i'm sitting here a nervous wreck. when i first moved in here and hooked up the washer i started a electrical fire. small and all because of a faulty wire which was not my doing. but still it scared me. and i am scared everytime i run the wash. i'm sitting here and i get a whiff of that smell. so my blood starts racing and i go check and check and check. everywhere. nothing. but still the fear. it has been such a hard day. spent time with the ah and the kids. i have had a headache that hasn't quit yet. i was so mad earlier at my ah and his disease and his family and all of it i could barely be human. i just want to sit and cry. i had to go to my dad's and saw the for sale sign and that hit me hard. just another reminder that he is really gone. it was a month on the 20th. fear is so awful. and i have faith but i do have to the footwork. i have batteries in all the smoke detectors and tomarrow i will go but a window ladder for the kids rooms. but it is all me. i am responsible for all of it. there is no one here to quiet my fear or double check or take partial responsibility. it is just me. and that is scary. but when i cry my nose gets all stuffy and then i wouldn't be able to smell anything!!! i decided to try to be friends with my ah. or treat him as i do my friends. talk to him as a friend. not a close, share everything friend but one that i can make conversation with. i have been really wanting to see a movie that no one else cares about seeing. except him. we listened to the radio program together every weekend. so he suggested that we go as it is closing tomarrow. good. i have no expectations. no romantic fantasies at all. but we used to be friends. and he has none. never has. friends from aa but he never kept them long becasue he doesn't know how to. i am the only person in his life that has ever stayed. so i think if i can be his friend i will. i think. we'll see and if he doesn't show, i'll go alone. guess it's time to say a prayer. love to you all.