The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow! The power of this program is starting to give me a much needed shot in the arm!
I came back into the rooms (this board for starters) and got back into my literature this week, after being gone for almost 3 years. I made a huge step in admitting how out of control my life is right now to a friend who sent me a friendly IM last night.
I have been having alot of stress in my marriage and at work. The kids are always needy and I have been slowly losing myself. Last week, my AH and I had a huge argument about his surgery and his lack of a program and sponsor to help him deal with taking the pain med he'd be on. I was fearful and let him know it. He was mad and he let me know it. Our relationship has just been in the crapper -- not alot of affection, little common interest, barely just polite interactions.... and I have been looking at him w/ such resentment that I started to feel like I hated him.
At the same time, last week was Father's day and I have such huge issues with my father... it just takes me weeks to recover from a phone call with him. He left us when I was 6 or 7 and when I was 12, my mom was in a near fatal car accident which left her emotionally, physically, and mentally disabled. My grandmother and I became her caretakers. For a short time, my dad moved back in and helped take care of us...but it didn't last and he left again. A few months later, they announced their divorce; 2 months later my mom decided she'd get married to this guy that she had dated when she was separated (I hated him); and a month later, my dad says, "What are you doing on Thursday? There's someone I want you to meet. I'm getting married on Saturday." I cherished my dad and was his little girl. I was devastated at 13. So, I have HUGE issues related to abandonment, why he left me, etc. I am realizing that my emotional growth really stopped at that age...and I often feel like a scared, nervous, insecure 13 year old whenever I have to interact with him, his wife, or her son. And when I invited him for dinner to celebrate Father's day, he does what he does... and I feel like crap.
On top of that, my job has just been so stressful. I am a speech-language pathologist and I work with special ed. kids (most autistic or developmentally delayed) who need communication devices. Their parents want the magic bullet that will make their kid ok. I worked so hard on this one kid's case and the school just turned around and did the opposite b/c they wanted to give what the parents wanted to hear. I wasted so much time and energy trying to do the right thing, only to be ignored basically.
I was in such a state of rage thinking of all these factors in my life -- that there hasn't seemed a whole lot of reason to be doing what I'm doing... why do I keep doing itover and over every day? Every day is a repeat of the day before... WHY? I plumeted to a low where Ihaven't been for years and that was entertaining suicidal thoughts. Most of the time, I was in the car, makingn ote of places where there's a high overpass over a highway near somepleace where I could drive my car over -- hopefully only killingmyself and no one else...or seeing these tractor trailers come racing toward me as I drive on a two lane route home from work...wondering if it would be fatal to drive over the line... sick, scarey thoughts. I then, started thinking I would write a letter to my dad, my husband and some of my family who have abandomed or abused me stating, "You drove me to this b/c you did this or didn't do that..." I wanted to lay the guilt of my death upon those that have severely hurt me. As I was driving home from a late night of work, I spoke out loud what I would write. Then I thought of my 7 year old son and how he'd feel... it was like a slap in the face... knowing it was wrong to think those thoughts.
So, I bottled them up and muddled through the next several days till last night whe my friend sent me an IM. All was light and fluffy for a while, but then, we started really sharing, er, I did; I told her all the above....and she wrote back in capitals that I needed to go see my doctor right away-- to make an appt today. She said she could listen, but she didn't have what it takes to help me. I should go talk to someone. She reminded me that Andy needs me and she would call me today to see if I made the appt.
I also finally broke down and told my husband. I think he was shocked. I'm always so strong and controlling... taking care of everything, handling things, raisong the kids.... when I told him I was so tired of it all... I don't think he quite got how tired I was until I finally said I was having suicidal thoughts. I told him how empty I felt in our rleationship and admitted I wasn't doing my part either... that I thought I should see someone as well go to al-anon. I told him that I need him to work his program too b/c I can't take his bad attitude and bad moods much longer...I don't deserve this. He like, woke up.
That step out into honesty, being really honest with my friend, with my AH (as well as this posting) is a step forward. I can't get help for what I don't admit to. [I dont think I would do anything for real b/c I am too chicken and afraid that I'd mess up and would survive with worse problems than I have now.] BTW, I did make an appointment and I feel such relief not to be carrying that secret of having had those thoughts.
I'm realizing as I write this post right now, that God sent me an angel to intervene in my life last night -- my friend who went me that IM...and God showed me a miracle in me in the last post that I wrote... that I know what to do -- reach up (pray), reach out (get help), and do my part (work my program) and that there's hope. I KNOW my life will get better because that is my experience. I know I have alot of work to do, but the time has come to do it. Something's gotta give -- things can't keep going the way they have been... and I'm the one who has to make things change for me.
anyway, I know this was long, but it was therapeutic for me to write and I appreciate it if you made it to the end of this very long post! :)
Thank you for being here and thank you for your loving words of truth and wisdom!
Reading your post reminded me so much of the way I felt before I found Al-Anon; desperate, defeated and despairing. I too contemplated suicide but recognised that it wasn't so much that I wanted to die, it was that I didn't know how to live and I wanted out of the suffering. The only thing that stopped me was that my Mum (as next of kin) could not afford to give me a decent funeral and I knew that would break her heart. I deferred my 'plan' and started saving, which I think shows just how sick I had become. My HP had a better plan for me, he kept me poor so the 'funeral fund' never took off and I was guided to Al-Anon. I was shown that 'there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened'. I was given hope and began to believe there could be a brighter tomorrow.
Honesty opens the door to recovery and to recover is to regain or restore what once was, in my case, my true self. I'm so proud of you for being honest with yourself, your friend and your AH. By the end of your post you sound quite positive (yes, I read it all). I truly believe that the answers lie within ourselves, put there by the grace of our HP. Honesty, Openness and Willingness is 'how' it works. I wish you strength for your continued journey of recovery and discovery. Know that you're not alone. With the love and support of the Fellowship you can make your life a happy and rewarding one. Like you said, you are the one who has to make things change for you but if you feel you need professional or medical help as well, then there's certainly nothing to stop you getting a little assist.
For me, my main priorities were to keep it simple and keep it in the day. I do have control over my thoughts so when those negative tapes start playing in my head I can press the 'off' button. Every day I made a point of having a quiet period where I could connect with myself and develop my relationship with my HP. I read the literature and made meetings as often as I could. I got phone numbers of people from my group whom I could call when I was having a 'dodgy' moment and more to the point I phoned them! If you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll find you're on your pathway
