The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It amazes me lately my triggers. It takes a line in chat and a flood of memory comes without warining. Memories i wouldnt go to if a certain thing wasnt said. IT also amazes me the feelings that come with these memories. Every time this happens i so wish i could get my anger back. There were no other feelings and anger wasnt painful. I do know how harmful it was. I just didnt feel. ITs very hard to explain.
I know that this will pass. I cant stop the tears anymore either that come with these memories. I feel the need to say something at times. That is my own stuff, the need to defend. I didnt get angry in chat tonight. I could of brought the entire room down though by my thoughts had i stayed there not bring them down angrily however they surely would of felt my pain with sadness. so i chose to leave. Because they were sharing so beautifully about thier children mothers sharing about thier kids.
I know that i am not there anymore and do know i am safe. However it still is painful at times to realize something you didnt see before. The tears come flooding also without warning. I am not scared or confused, I just didnt expect it. I guess this is a road i need to take apart of my healing process. Since i am a runner hp is tricking me lol ya cant run kerry here it is you see this??? you stay and you watch and you cry!!!!!!!!!!!! STay (ACK) WATCH((((double ACK!!) CRY????????????? omggggggggggggg!!!!
I could choose to get so angry at hp there is a ton i dont understand about him. Im tired of living the way i have been tired of running away. It always always comes back and 7 years just to see this one is a long time. I wish there would be some kind of warning though before i see something i dont want to see lol. I know it doesnt work that way. However it used to geez!
ITS funny how things that worked well for me from childhood dont fit anymore. Its really is confusing and suprising. I guess thats what recovery does. Once you start to walk the talk. I am not sure i have been walking it, i sure have been trying to though and succeeding for the most part in my opinion. Unless im still in denial lol then i wouldnt know hehe.
This memory i didnt even realize till tonight. Things i did as a teen bad bad things, the things that every mother prays her child will never ever do. REalizing how very alone i was. IT amazes me to this day and i still shiver seeing what i did. I never went to my own things was to focused on the abuse done to me. Memories of what i did are very new and very scary. I know i will live and it will pass. Im not as FREAKED out as i was last week. I guess just sad :) i feel like i am loosing apart of me. I guess that is exactly what this is that is happening. Thanks for listening
Kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I know how you feel and a friend once told me they are just feelings, feel them then move on.My childhood was very tramatic and my hp which I call God has healed many of those scars the memories are still there it just doesnt hurt so bad I cant bear it.
Hi, I know how you feel and a friend once told me they are just feelings, feel them then move on.My childhood was very tramatic and my hp which I call God has healed many of those scars the memories are still there it just doesnt hurt so bad I cant bear it. I am in Texas too so alot of love from Texas.. dori
hey whats with these texans??? i am in No. Texas myself.........
dori i agree w/ U, my childhood was very traumatic and by FIRST discharging the anger by the DUMP truck load, now i am at the grief stages....i have now been able to cry for maybe 2 yrs., but didn't yet hit the REAL grief till about 4 -6 months ago, that is how bad the scars are......i can surrender myself to it, "ride it through" the losses, the lost opportunities, the horrific memories, but like U it hurts less and less....like i can bear it now...couldn't a year ago, thought i was gonna, WANTED to die!!! now, its like since i am ABLE now to surrender, i can bear it and it DOES pass....i can laugh along with the tears............gr8 share, thanks, rosie
