(((((Texas)))))

Glad you are able to be here to vent.  It's great for yourself and for your son that you are working a program.  I know I'm grateful for that as well for myself, especially since catching my a with somebody else and making the decision to move forward with my life.  Although the difficulty comes in with dealing with a now 13 year old who is going through the adolescent rages and changes.  Having an alcoholic parent is difficult for the teens to handle emotionally and gives then a great excuse for acting out.  I also had 10 years in the program before making that change in my life, and it was still difficult, although having many friends in the program helped tremendously.  I know that the best suggestion is not to make any major changes in your life until you have had at least one year of program unless you are in physical danger.  Keeping the focus on ourself is a daily challenge as it is and not reacting to the rage of the alcoholic brings about a good dose of stress in that daily living, not doubt about that.  I hope you are able to make the necessary phone calls to keep sane during those moments!

Just for today is a great stress reliever too!

Prayers for you and your son!

Cilla

(((RT)))

I know exactly how you are feeling.  Its difficult I'm sure seeing your son going through his problems now as well.  I agree that many of us stay because we continue to hold out hope for a miracle that things will get better.  Every A is different and I guess their bottoms are different too.  HP will give you the answers and strength to make your choices when you need to.  I agree that when the AW is raging instead of allowing her to rage at you, maybe use that as an opportunity to bond with your son for a drive, a walk, dinner out, whatever you guys feel in the mood doing.  Going on my little adventures with the boys while A stays home stewing and brewing has really helped us get close.  We have moments of sadness because of the A screaming and raging but then we try to turn it into laughter.  Hearing two 3 year olds laugh is infectious.  Your son is 11, he's old enough to get involved with Alateen, some schools have Alateen on campus; maybe individual and family counseling with just the two of you would be beneficial.  Your doing a great job... You both will be in my prayers.

Hugs,

Twinmom~

I can relate. I stay becuz I made vows in front of God and meant them.

I hope however he will understand if I do get divorced. I won't remarry.

I want to divorce becuz there is no reason not to. If they don't act like they love us, why stay?

for me I want to stop the wondering and hoping. I will say when I moun him, stop, it is over. period.

We say we will stay in sickness. Well this is a sickness, a horrible disease. We don't stop loving someone becuz they are sick.

That does not mean we have to live with them and take the abuse. I also agree, I don't believe kids should live with the A if it can be worked out not to. I hate to say that. Hate to. But the damage is so horrible.

I am watching a dear, dear friend, a man and his two wonderful boys go thru hell as their mother is tortured by aism.

The boys are becoming very messed up. Makes me so sad. The dad is wonderful and doing his best, as you are. But mom is mom and no matter what you do, you are either the mom or dad, you are not and can never be both.

I was a widow for 18 years and know it is true. But you can be the best single parent you can be and have very wonderful, well adjusted kiddos.

I am so sad you A is so ill. This is when I say aism has to be horribly strong for them to not be able to be sober so they don't miss their kids growing up.

great thinking out loud. You are definitely on your program. much love,debilyn

I think you said it all , I know I love her.   And things are much easier for you now that you have found this program.   Teach your son what your learning here bring it down to kid size so that he dosen't take it so personaly either.

Alateen has some awsome books my fav is the first daily reader small red book same as our ODAT but it is called A Day At A Time.  you could read passages with him and let him tell u what he thinks it means and give him your perception as well. Alateen  explains the disease tells them how to detach emotionlly and reasures them that they are not the reason this is happening , shows them how to be a kid again not responsible for the A.

It keeps the focus on thier accomplishments encouraging them to better themselves just like Al-Anon does for us .    good luck  Louise

This may be counterproductive to your question.  I asked the same questions of myself.  I was dealing with his abuse.  My dog (who I view as my child) was being abused.  I was always frightened of him and his behavior. So, I had to take a good look at me.  And I had to honestly assess why I would want myself in that situation and what I was getting from it that I found positive.  And I had to honestly list both the good and the bad and then rate them in magnitude.  Because there can be one good that outshines all of the bad. And there can be one bad that will eclipse all of the good.  So, it is not just a matter of numbers, but a matter of significance.

For me it boiled down to the fact that I didn’t want to be alone.  When my late husband died I was alone for 6 years and I was scared and depressed for all 6 of those years.  I thought that being remarried would return my life to “normal” and that I would feel safer.  And, in fact, in the very beginning of the marriage, before all of the lies became apparent, before the amount of drinking became obvious, before the abuses became unmasked, I was happier and felt stronger and more secure.

But all those good feelings ended as a result of his behaviors.  And I had to consciously remind myself that I didn’t deserve this treatment, that I wasn’t powerless over alcohol because at any time I could end the marriage.  I had to come to the understanding that I could not change him, that I could not heal him, but that he could damage me and that he was damaging me and hurting my dog.

I also had to find the strength inside of me to face that one last battle so that I could free myself and my dog from his illness and tyranny.

I have done that.  We are divorced.

I came to the realization the other day that I no longer fear coming home, I no longer spend the day worrying that my dog isn’t safe, I no longer spend the day worrying that he is going to drive drunk and kill someone and that I will lose everything because of his behavior.  There is a measure of peace at this moment.  And this moment of peace is allowing me to work on getting better, and to the extent that I am able, creating a safe and secure world for myself.

I hope that your questions will help you to find your solution.