I haven't posted in a while, have been out of town a few weeks, but this post has been building for some time.  I hope you don't mind my rambling share, it helps me to stay in what is real and stop putting things off as no big deal. 

I met my A at 18, we married at 25.  I made the comment to him that I had to know he wouldn't drink liqueur but he could drink all he beer he wanted and I wouldn't say a thing...the hard stuff made him mean.  That must have been the beginning of my denial, lol.  I could see his dad was an A and even said as much to my A.  I'd like to say love is blind, but it may have just been youth, or my keen ability to look at things with rose colored glasses.

I never pursued my A, it was the reverse.  So when we married I though I had someone that couldn't live without me, lol.  We had our first child after thinking that it may never happen, so when I got preg. soon after our first it was, to me, a nice surprise.  Five months after the birth of our son, my A wanted to leave us.  I was in total shock, I had a two yr. old and a 5 month old, but he never left.  It was living hell.  This is the part when I came to believe that I could do something, change into whatever, to make him happy.  I spent 5 yrs doing this until it sucked the life out of me.  Ever try to change to make someone else happy? -- it is impossible, and you lose yourself in the process.  During this time we did the "change of location" We built a house -- where he wanted, how he wanted, again, hoping to make a miserable person happy.  We rented our other house for extra income. 

Everything went to hell in a handbasket after our move.  I continued to try to make him happy and my esteem really took a plunge.  During all this time I had a beautiful person keep talking to me about alanon.  It took me about 7yr to hit my bottom and walk thru the doors --  it has saved my life. 

So my A was miserable, and determined to blame everything on me and I was willing to accept it. Then came Alanon where I started learning that I could live and let live, be me and grow. I could share this program with my children and I could be happy whether he was or not.  I lost my anger, discovered myself, started to quit believing that I was that powerful to ruin someone else's life and that I did have the power to live my own life in a good way.  I was getting better.  My A was getting worse.  Then he left us.

Now when I say he left, he moved into our rental, continued to put $$ in the bank to pay the bills, he is high functioning, with what I like to think of as multiple personalities, lol.  You never know what you are going to get.  He may have physically move out but he was/is here 2-3-4 times a week, keeps his hand in everything here.  My daughter put it like this, he lives there but acts as though he lives here.  Very observant for a 10 yr. old.

So it is coming up on two yrs. since he moved out.  We are still married.  Fear has kept me from going all out with the lawyer, and I've had moments of hope too that things might improve. 

I truly believe the God/Hp gives you what you need to know when you need to know it. And lately there have been several things.  Finding rolling papers in an empty pack of smokes (no I wasn't searching, just tearing off the miles to save  ) Conversations about our children becoming pre-teen and drug use.  He looked at me as though I'd never be able to tell -- because he fools me so well.  Now there was a time that I was like that (like when there were drugs in our mail box and I believe him when he said they weren't for him - you know those rose colored glasses, lol)  So anyhow, during this conversation he admitted to being here stoned "on occasion" -- which I knew, but never wanted to confront him other than saying "are you stoned" his reply "no" and I guess he thought I believed him. 

Finances have been tight at times, he's always broke and I hear the pity party about it.  But lately there have been several hundred dollars in credit card bills which I will end up paying for and he is offering to toss us a few extra dollars a week to "help us out" -- this is insane.

During all this time my A has never been physically abusive, but he has been mentally and verbally.  I never knew what I was going to get from day to day.  So last night right before he left from visiting with us/kids, my son was talking big about how he could defend himself with his karate kicks etc, it was actually kind of funny, he's 8.  I was at the sink rinsing some dishes when my A comes from behind me and grabs me by the neck a say, what would you do if someone did you like this.  He had me just a little too hard.  And I elbowed him and he let go.  Now all this started as fun.  But my daughter was watching too, so I said it is important for you to be able to defend yourself and I asked my A to do that again, but he came up behind me under my arms then around my neck as to show me that I couldn't do that again.  Which was fine.  The whole time I was talking to my Daughter, I told her first you stomp on their foot, he jumped because I came down hard and serious but wasn't intending on getting his foot, then I told her, while your hand seem to be use less, they aren't you go for the eyes.  Which I did and was very easy. 

Now all this may sound weird, which it was and I felt uncomfortable.  I've patched too many holes in the walls not to have this make me uncomfortable.  But on the other hand it opened discussion later for the kids and I to talk about defense and possibly having them take classes. 

When my A left I told him on the porch that he had me a little too hard, he said no that he didn't.  I said that he did and it had made me uncomfortable.  His reply was "even if I fantasized about it, you're my children's mother."  All this had made me feel sick today.  Physically sick. 

As I look over what I've written I see how insane it is to gloss this over and say it isn't what it is, in other words, "that it's not that bad."  I know that I can't keep waiting to do something to take care of myself and my children.  It's just finding the strength to overcome the fear. 

Thanks for letting me share.  I've been in program for several years.  I've felt like I've been at this point before, kind of like crossing a bridge, but turned around every time.  It's like I'm not suppose to turn around this time, I've got to cross that bridge.