The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has money problems, mostly due to his drinking and gambling. He gets laid off from work and chooses to spend his time (and money) drinking and gambling.
Last night he told me is trying to get a home equity type loan thru his union. He said he would use it to pay off his credit cards and remodel the basement and garage. I asked if this would be used to pay off some of my credit cards and I would be expected to pay half. He said couple of my cards could be paid, but not my student loan. I said I wouldn't sign anything for this. If we get divorced and have to sell the house, the money would instantly have to be used to pay off this loan which was used to pay his credit cards. Then I would be stuck with my credit cards and other bills. The loan for the house is in my name so he wouldn't be able to use this against the house without me signing something. Anyway, when I told him I won't agree to this, he got mad at me. He sulked and I went about my business. Of course he was good and drunk by the end of the evening, as usual.
It is very tiring to always have to be on guard for this kind of thing. If he would quit drinking, I'm convinced he wouldn't be so broke all the time. Here is another example of what he does: he used to have a nice SUV, but he just let the bank repossess it because he didn't want it anymore. He lied and told me he sold it to a friend and slipped up later and told me the truth.
I don't want to live like he does and I've told him this. I want a NORMAL life or as normal as possible. I don't need a lot of money, but I want to be able to have a few nice things. I don't want to always watch my back and my bank account. I thought he was supposed to be on my side.
Two and a half years ago, we financed the house (we had built is over time and with a small inheritance I received). We did it to get out of credit card debt, mainly. We paid them all off, then ran them up again. So...now we could either finance it again, or rough it out. I have chosen that we are going to "rough it out" even if we end up bankrupt. Then, no matter what we have a little equity built up "just in case".
Good luck in sticking to your resolve.
I don't think an A sees any side except their own????
I, too, would like a normal life...and sometimes question my HP about that (sigh). Guess we have to make our own normal.
You aren't alone in wishing you didn't have to watch your back...maybe by sharing here, we can watch each other's back.
It does sound like he's attempting to take advantage of you. Good for you for putting boundaries in place and sticking to them. His response to your boundaries was to be angry because you wouldn't give him what he wants. I think that's one of the hardest parts of detaching from the A is setting those tough boundaries and then sticking to them when the A tries to bust through them. (in my experience he always has ). Life becomes difficult for them because people have stopped taking care of them, its painful and uncomfortable for an A to take responsibility and accountability for their lives, so they'd rather forget about it and get drunk. For my A anything that was too stressful or took up thought, planning and time he rejected and chose to ignore it. Bills who cares, I would take care of it. Hospital bills need to be paid, who cares they'll send me to collections and I don't have money to pay it or keep a job long enough to get health insurance. Now I'm getting a little braver and saying these are your bills I won't pay them, you will. He continues to try and bust through my boundaries but as I work this program and am getting healthier my self-respect is coming back. I can see where I've become complacent and apathetic towards my own life. I don't think I cared if he busted through my boundaries, I expected it and felt like I was powerless to take control of my life. Not true though just the distorted type of thinking I got into. Your doing great. Stick your guns of what you feel comfortable with. You are right if you choose divorce you have to cover yourself. Take care of you, you are worth it. Your A will continue to disregard his responsibilities until it becomes so uncomfortable and he hits bottom. That's what he needs to hit bottom. I am learning its the best love we can give our A's is to detach from their problems and let them face the music and take care of ourselves.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It sounds to me you made the right decision! I agree that it is tiring to have your guard up but at least you are not being manipulated and controlled anymore and you are standing on your own two feet calling the shots and seeing through him. Conradulations to you for your courage to walk away and let him sulk by the way...
Ask your HP for strength if you are feeling tired of it all. And ask him to guide you where you need to be even though it might hurt. I said this alot to my HP and sure enough I got what I requested.....
