he's not drinking today...why am I so guilty? - Al-Anon Family Group

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

he's not drinking today...why am I so guilty?

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Annmarie,

I know for me anyway, I felt guilty when my ex A was drinking, thinking it was about me....and i felt guilty when she wasnt drinking...cuz that had to be about me too...was I being unreasonable? Is she really an alcoholic or is it my problem...blah blah blah. Not a lot of self esteem, not a lot of self confidence. And whether she used that against me or I just used it against my self, I have had to learn my feelings are important. People dont get to put me down anymore.

And I DON'T cause anyone to drink. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

People are gonna do what they are gonna do. If they ______ (fill in da blank), that is their choice. And I don't have to feel guilty about THEIR choices.

Yours in Recovery,
David

Belongtome · Senior Member

Don't feel guilty!!! Try to feel something else, that belongs to you. The detachment part is very hard...you didn't make him an A...if he drinks on payday, try to remember that is his problem...yeah, I know it's a problem to you, too. But you are not causing it. I think the A picks a fight, or whatever, to justify his drinking....just looking for an excuse. If it's not with you, then there will be another reason for the A to drink.

Best wishes to you.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

Annmarie,

I remember feeling guilty that if my A drank it was my fault, especially after he came out of rehab, and then relapsed. He told me that I was one of his triggers. But a counselor told me that I may be one of his "triggers", he's still responsible for reacting to them. When hubby got sober, he reminded me of this too.

The bottom line is that if an A wants to drink or drug, they will find a way to do it. They don't need an excuse, they will just do it.

It's hard not to blame ourselves, but in time as we work our program, we get stronger. We come to realize that it is not our fault. Remember the 3 C's. Be good to yourself, and keep coming back.

Live strong,

Karilynn

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

hi everyone,
thanks for your replies, and your obvious concern. I have gotton a great deal from your support. Lots of positive food for thought.....

Haven't heard from him since I first wrote....two days ago.....I just know instinctively he's off drinking and whatever else goes with it. Can't help but worry even though I know it's pointless. I won't try and contact him...refuse to put myself through it.....but it's very tough at the moment for me.

thanks for shining a light at the end of my tunnell.....
AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.