Hi all,

Boy, I've just read some of the posts here and I have to say, coming to al-anon is like coming home -- to a more functional, loving home... a safe home, a comforting home... like running into your grandma's arms -- where you know it's all gonna be ok. 

I've been in and out of the rooms for about 15 years.  First as an ACOA, then got involved with an addict/alcoholic and married him, despite seeing the red flags.  Been through some really rough times over the years; been married 10 years to this guy.  On the outside, things look ok; pretty good actually.  We just moved to a nice big home in the country; have a young toddler who is a delightful handful (like Tigger) and a precocious 7 year old son who is just a wonderful kid.  I have a very good job in special ed, though it's frustrating at times (the co-workers, not the kids!).

Right now, my AH is sober...and somewhat clean. He's been clean and sober for almost 3 years... worked a good program for a year after he got  clean and sober --this saved the marriage from divorce. My AH just had surgery Monday and is taking pain med's... his drug of choice.  He's allowed me to dispense the drugs as per his sponsor's and our previous marriage counselor's advice.  He's also taking the lowest dosage and wants to get off the med as soon as he can tolerate the pain.   I'm still really worried about him as he hasn't called his sponsor in over 4 months; hasn't gotten a new local sponsor since we moved here; hasn't been to meetings consistently for months; and isn't working the program.  The effects of this are that he's sarcastic, forgets I'm his beloved wife and that he's supposed to be nice to me -- at least as nice as he would be to a co-worker -- wouldn't you think? He barks at the kids and me... and I have to tell him that we don't deserve to be treated the way he treats us... like we're pains in his butt.

For me, I stopped working my program and meetings when I was pregnant with this last baby (almost 3 years ago); having two kids  is alot more than having one and at my age (44) it's harder than when I was 37 with the first. Plus working full time.  I know that's an excuse, but it's all I got. 

I'm tired... tired of kicking his butt...tired of asking to be treated kindly and politely, tired of his being nice when he needs me/us -- when he feels sentimental, tired of being THE parent.   I have to coach him on how to talk to the children; on his decisions/judgment in their care.  I'm tired of being considered the nag. 

I've grown a huge callous thick wall around me over the years to help me not get hurt anymore... now, I get angry and resentful.  I don't know if I love him anymore.  Those feelings seem so far away; foreign to me.  I feel badly shouting in front of the kids. But, I'm not gonna be talked to like he talks to me anymore.  And I will stand up for my sons; they deserve to be treated with care!

I had to say a huge prayer to help me be even sympathetic toward him since he was depending on me to get through this surgery.  I do think God performed some miraculous surgery in my heart, excising some of the resentment so I could be kind to him.    And I was kind and caring.  Funny thing though, the kindness feels so foreign (from me to him and from him to me) even though I think it's genuine caring and niceness.   But it's certainly not familiar and easy.    No, the back biting, the sarcasm, the blaming back and forth -- that's what comes so easily and is so familiar. Isn't that sad and sick?  We're so co-dependent and I hate it.    It doesn't feel like a loving relationship/marriage -- it feels like using each other to get the basic needs met.    Not the emotional or physical needs though... just paying the bills, feeding the kids, doing whatever we have to to run a family.   It's more like a job than a marriage.  There's no hand holding, there's no cuddling, there's minimal interest in each other's interests/concerns/thoughts/ hopes, etc.

The drinking and using aren't there, but the behaviors and attitudes are.   You can definitel;y tell when the Alcoholic is here and when the Real hubbie is here.  Sometimes, I think he's really trying -- but I think he tries b/c I kick him in the butt and b/c I think he's afraid he'll lose us if he keeps us this bad behavior.  It feels like external work, not internal work and I don't trust it.   I wish he'd call his sponsor and I wish he'd start back with his meetings and step work. When he was going to 3-4 meetings a week, meeting with his sponsor, doing the work, he was a totally different person. Someone I could forgive and work with toward something.  When he started giving up, I started giving up right along with him.

Before the surgery, I was feeling so mad at him and so tired that I just wanted to give in. Figure out a way to get divorced... but, I'm feeling trapped financially b/c my AH quit his job to finish his degree.  So, I'm working and we need the health insurance. 

I feel like the soul of me has been sucked right out of me and feel so empty at times... he takes alot, the kids of course need alot from me, my job takes alot. It's hard to take care of myself.  Going through the motions every day. I feel like I'm just surviving, barely keeping my head above water. Feeling like I'm losing myself, my needs, who I am more and more.

For now, I don't think divorce is the answer.  But, something's gotta give.  I hate this and I know it isn't healthy for the children, esp. as our 7 year old is like a little sponge.   I know from experience that great things happen when we work our respective programs and when we pray.  I know I haven't been doing my part.

I know I need to be here.  It was such a relief to read some of the responses to posts and hear the wisdom and feel the genuine care, concern, and love from you veterns and senior members.  So, thank you for being here and thank you for letting me get some of this off my chest.  And thank you for letting this ol' girl in the rooms again.   I needed a place to be tonight --in a safe place that I know is warm and all will be ok.  Thank you al-anon for opening the doors and for the welcome home.

I know I need to go to a f2f mtg... and will try to get to one this week, OK?  For right now and in between the f2f mtgs, this place is where I need to be. 

Thanks for letting me share,

hugs,

Lee Ann