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Hi there everybody. I haven't been on in a few weeks. I used to get online at school and well it's closed for the summer, and I mistakenly thought I could handle alone for a few weeks. INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought things were going pretty good. I knew not great, but amazing when you aren't thinking about it how far things can get without you knowing it. He picked up his heavy drinking again. I have tried hard not to say anything although I feel like the very life is being taken from me. I know it is his problem, but he started being gone all day--which isn's unusual for most everyone here I know, he stopped working and just decided to hang out with his buddy again. I just can't stand it!!! I know they have to hit their rock bottom to change not mine, but he won't do that--not with me around b/c I take care of everything--he gets taken care of as a byproduct--everything is in my name, well I'm not going down b/c he doesn't work, so the bills get paid. So he has a nice place to come home to, food, clothes, a mother for his daughter. The other night I was on the computer playing a game and typing in my journal b/c I was trying hard not to loose it with him as he is yelling to his daughter--where's my mommy, I guess she doesn't love me anymore, my mommy would come see what I need and wait on me if she loved me.
He decided after he got upset b/c I was going to sell my car and get an old cheap one to pay off some debt that he would get a different job. One in the oil field. A friend helped him get his foot in the door. Well the night before he goes to interview he gets passed out drunk. So I doubt he passed the alcohol test. Again I know not really my problem!!! (Just the bills it leaves for me is)
So yesterday after he figures out he might have "messed" up. He says maybe I should stop drinking again. Then today is buddy shows up and they are to go see this man about some money he owes them, he asked me if I wanted to come along. I said yes--why???!!! I know why to do a very non al-anon thing--to hopefully curve him from drinking so much--he decides to take my car and then proceeds to get a beer. I told him he couldn't drink and drive my car. IF he wanted I would take him over to the guys house, but I wouldn't let him drive my car. So he gets out making fun of me about not letting him drive, but we switch. Well of course I didn't hide my disappointment and anger over the fact that he was drinking (I didnt' lecture or say anything, but I know I was throwing some looks) so he gets defensive and starts yelling at me. Then his buddy almost backs into me and that just makes my ah yell at me more b/c I almost got us hit--it had nothing to do with his drunk buddy!!!! So I'm steaming! As I'm taking the guys to see about their money his buddy asks me if I have now made myself their chaperone. That just made me furious!!! (Of course I'm sure it had nothing at all to do with the fact that I had indeed done just that!!!!!!!)
WHAT AM I DOING???????? Anyone heard the song "leave the pieces when you go" by the Wreckers? I have taken that song on as my own. I want so much to tell him to leave and when he decides he wants a marriage and he wants to work at being sober then he can come home. I just can't get those words out. I am so afraid that once their said he'll take me at my word and then what do I do if he decides I'm not worth it and this life isn't what he wants. I know that's what he is showing, but to have it thrown in my face I don't know I could stand it. But how is this different? I am sitting at home alone, I don't have friends--I don't know how to talk to anyone anymore, my nerves are gone, I do everything by myself--so how is him leaving going to change my life? i have let this disease destroy me!!! I fight against it, but in the end I have drowned.
Thanks for listening. I needed to come and read and loose myself for a bit. dawn
Are you going to f2f meetings? It is the one best thing you can do for yourself, IMO. When I came to MIP someone said "When you think enough of yourself, you'll go". Well ya know that pissed me off just enough to go..lol
What happend after that is... I did get myself back. Little by little I was able to stand up for myself and not allow myself to be anyone's door mat or be any part of their drinking. I wasn't going to be walked, made fun of, put down or cater to anyone.
When you finally know that you don't deserve this, you make decisions that are to your benefit and the right thing to do becomes real clear.
It is hard at times to seperate alcoholism and plain old unacceptable behavior. We accept the unacceptable. We tend to excuse it because they are alcoholics. In the end..we need to teach others how to treat us and teach what is acceptable by putting up some boundaries and sticking to them..
We need not make any problem caused by alcoholism easy for them. It is not ours to fix. The alcoholic is free to make decisions (like quitting jobs), but their should be consequences. Are the debts you were going to sell your car for his? IMO, they are HIS to pay if so. He's not working..where is his beer money coming from?
Help yourself hon, meetings, meetings, meetings..work on you and it will get better.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((hudsond))) I can sure feel your pain over your A. Mine is still active too, and can be verbally abusive when drunk, and I am alone much of the time, because he must surround himself with other A's. He does work, though. And I do have boundaries, that he makes the house payment, and that I will not buy beer or cigs if he runs out of $$$ before payday. That's about all I can muster up right now.
There is another song that says "I might be barely breathin', but I'm not dead" and I have taken that on as my own. You might be barely breathin', but you have not drowned. You still got your nose above the water line, so paddle for all you are worth, gal!
Am glad you are here. We can make it. We need not drown in their misery. I am convinced Alanon can make a difference in my life, whether or not my A is drinking. I am worth it, and so are you. Please take care of yourself, and try to get to a meeting, or online meeting.
