((Iwishuheaven))

Glad you feel safe to vent here - we all need that safe place -

For my AH & I, we have realized that sometimes if we are arguing that outside issues can be affecting the disagreement - HALT - are either one of us Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired - and with the two small children I'm sure both of you are tired a lot of the time.  Maybe both of you can find a time to discuss things when you are both rested and a little clearier of mind -

Just a suggestion - it seems to help us when we are trying to work out issues that we disagree on,

Hope it helps,

One Day At a Time,

Rita

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
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SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

• Go face to face meeting & online meeting.


• post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

·        Set support system.  people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

• Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Mike,

For me, it is hard to not focus on my "A" and his feelings. I am not responsible for them. I am responsible for how I react to him, and how I treat him.

Now you two are quite busy. With your little ones. My "A" and I have three. Our oldest will be 7 next month (omg, I can't believe that), we have a 4 year old and a 3 year old. The most important thing is for us to try and stay connected. Which isn't always easy with him being active in his disease. So we have a date night. With 3 kids we don't even grasp the concept of "extra money" so one night a week we don't eat with the kids. We take turns making a special dinner and we put the kids to bed and eat dinner together. If he wants anything besides dinner to happen, he needs to be clean and sober, my only rule about date night. It helps us alot to have that time. Even in his active addiction he trys to "be there" for date night.

Something else that has really helped us, may sound silly, but it works. He picked this up at a treatment center he went to. We have what he calls "talking pictures". We each have a picture, mine is a stag, and inside the stag are all these littel designs. His is a frog and inside the frog are all these little designs. We sit down and color them together. While we are coloring, that is our time to talk about anything, and it is safe. There are no accusations are blame gamed, just us honestly talking about our feelings. We talk about our worries for our kids, money issues, job issues, we talk about everything, including his addiction and my codependency. We have gotten into some really heavy things, but it never turns into a fight. And sometimes the conversation is light, and not about what is going wrong in our relationship, but what is going right. When one of says, can we color tonight, it isn't a bad thing.

That may sound childish, but it has done wonders for us.

I would suggest, no advice given here I am to nuts to tell someone else what to do. , but I would suggest keep working your program. Go to meetings. We didn't get this sick overnight, so we aren't going to be completly healthy over night either.

I am doing my best to think about this as my husband was brought up in a very dysfunctional, a family.

So I am on the other side of this. I would say quit apologising, quit taking any blame. It is NOT you. I remember my A would think whatever I said as a dig against him. I did not ever put him down or blame him. I had to be so careful all the time, to the point I quit talking.

If I said geez the lawn grows fast, he would think I meant he should mow more. If I said, the fence needs fixing, he would think he did not build it well enough.

He built me a lot of stuff. But he never felt it was good enough. The lack of self worth was awful. I loved him so much it did not bother me.

But what I am hearing is a wife that is feeling insecure. If you take blame, make blame, are always apologising, then how can she trust you to be strong and help take care of things?

She does not need hugs, well she does, but to me the underlying issue is security. Whether the babies are sleeping or not, whether the grass is growing or not, don't take any blame. Don't allow her to talk to you that way!! She is saying divorce becuz she wants to see some "fight" in you, some boldness and strength.

She does not want a divorce I am sure. NOW remembe this is just me, and what I felt and what I see here. It may hit something in you, may not.

I wanted my A husband to have the strength to be sure of himself. Not question himself. I wanted to look up to him and trust him. Not all women feel this way. I wanted him to be the strong one in the house. If we make mistakes, who cares, go on we all do. It is no reflection on you as a man.

Maybe some class in assertiveness would help you. It helps you to see your power and how to say things with out hurting anyone but getting your point acrossed. Helps you to see what you really want.

When I man takes over, and a woman supports him and him her, it is so cool. I mean geez she has two babies to take care of. She cannot take care of you too. She needs you to be sure of YOU.

My daughter wanted that so badly. She has always made good choices, but getting pg by this kid was a night mare, is a nighmare. He did not support her, she got so sick after her birthing, could not move, he left for hours and she had no water. He was not helpful at all and even got abusive when she held the baby.

She brought charges on him and also a r order. She is now stronger, and will not put up with any bs anymore. Her hormones and all had her pretty tired.

The point is, she wanted him to take care of her for awhile. But he didn't.

I Hate the behavior of my A now. No backbone, a wus, everything he has done is wrong. He has made a mess of his life...blah blah. ok so what? take one day and make it better, then then next.

If I were you, I would do that, take one day, and teach others how to treat you. NOT the baby did not sleep all night, I want to hear, thank you for putting the kids to bed honey.

NO more negative talk to you. Do not allow it! And stop apologising. We can be strong but loving. She needs this from you. Remember that movie with Terry Gar what was that? The husband stays home and she works? He felt emasculated, her boss comes over and he whips out a chain saw?

Quit swallowing the crap uno. I have said to A, "do not talk to me like that, it is abuse and I will not listen."

If you both allow the 2 year old to sleep with you, she will never learn she is ok going to sleep by herself! You are not doing her any favors. Pretty soon you will have two in your bed. lol

What kind of a husband/wife relationship can you have with babies in the room? Sounds like you guys need some time to go out, just you two at least once a week. Marriages are living things, they have to be nurtured.

Also when a woman nurses her hormones are geard more towards mothering, even more reason for you to become the protector and alpha of the home. I would give anything to have  my A be like that again. He was when he had sobriety and a program. NO it is not being bossy or aggressive, it is being strong and smart and making it so she knows no matter what happens she can depend on you.

I hope this is not too much. It is only what I feel. I just got from your post a very sinking feeling like who cares who is right and who is wrong, just fix it dear henry.

To get respect we have to teach people to respect us. I am not a bossy person, not real loud or out there, but when my kids needed me I did what I could to take care of it. I faced policeman, principals, other parents, gang kids etc. I did not care if I was right or wrong, if I made a mistake. I did my best to do what I had to.

Same with you, do your best, don't take any bs. do not argue, It is easy, instead of arguing, maybe say,"what is really bothering you?" if she is still going off, say it again and again until she calms down and tells you. She may not know how to put it into words.

But I can bet you I am right. I believe the foundation of a marriage is first the husband then the wife standing strong next to him holding up the roof. She needs to know if she lets go, he can still hold it up.

So in saying that, "quit apologising you are driving me crazy!" haha We did not allow the D word every in our marriage. divorce was NOT an option.

I honestly do not believe she wants that. She married you becuz she loved you, she has had your kids becuz she loved you, so now, if you can, get to the acoa meetings, get all the literature you can and change those behaviors!!

This is only my talking outloud to you, not as advice, just my thoughts. Please update us, from what I read you are awesome at what you do, so pat yourself on the back, and tell yourself some great positive talk in your head. I am a strong man, I am a great father, I am a great husband.

becuz you are, love,debilyn