The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately I have been so disorganized. My desk at work seems to always be a mess. I spend too much time on this board and do not seem to get things done the way I used to. I think I am becoming addicted to MIP. At home I do not get things done unless I am "under the gun" so to speak. I am last minute with everything. It is getting to be overwhelming. I think I am spending way too much time thinking about the A.
Once a long time ago someone told me that this behavior is typical of growing up in an A family. I really do not know how that would relate. Any esh?
I hate the overwhelming feeling. Laundry, housework, grocery shopping, yard work, my obsessive thoughts. overeating (my disease) not working out. It just gets to where I am paralyzed and the only thing I can do really good is get into bed early and watch tv. I feel like I am wasting my life away waiting for everything in my life to change. I know I need to put more effort into it but I just cannot get to the point of finding it.
I start out good in the morning and then my addiction to my A and my eating take me over and it just goes downhill.
I just want a life where I am motivated and happy to be alive. I just do not like this life I have been living for 53 years.
Thanks for listening to my rambling. I do not know if it actually relates to Alanon but it feels like something of an addiction to me.
For me, I can easily get so distracted from the necessary things I need to do, relaxed in my responsibilities. My sponsor had me apply the One Day at a Time to One Task at a Time - so I wouldn't be so overwhelmed and what was the Next Right thing - Just to help keep my priorities in order -
It helps me keep my crazy mind focused and not so scattered-brained -
Hope that helps,
Keep it Simple,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I don't think that is unusual for a person who grew up in A family. I am ACOA and have many CODA traits (come to find out).
I feel that way when I am putting everyone else first. Why... I am waiting for queues from other as to what to do next. If theres no fire... I do nothing. Right now my sanity is a fine line and what keeps me just on the right side of that line is this board and my meetings/reading.
So yes... I too refresh this board just to see what's going on about 500 times a day. LOL But, I don't feel bad about it for now. It is my therapy and I know I need it.
Don't know if that makes any sense, but I thought I would throw it out there.
Doesn't matter if I am starting my own topic or answering someone elses, its all good for me to work through. It helps. :)
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You are not alone--you wrote the script for many of my days. In my unending quest for perfection and all I seem to find is paralysis, whether it be in relation to my A, my weight, cleaning the house, or completing work.
Lately what seems to be helping (in addition to working the Steps, going to meetings, talking with my sponsor, etc.) is trying to live life by doing "First Things First." For example, when I get into the office, I put away my keys and my purse (instead of throwing them on the desk); I listen to my voicemail, erase the messages and return the calls (instead of waiting for the right time); I go through the mail, throw away what I can and file the rest; etc. As a result, I have a fairly clear desk (and a fairly clear mind) and I can attack the job.
At home, I have figured out that "they" were right when "they" said that I should make my bed every day, pick up my clothes, etc. For a long time, I think I rebelled against what I thought that I was "supposed" to do and thought that I would do whatever I wanted, when I wanted. It has taken me 41 years to learn that I am the one on the losing end of that stick!! Sooooo, before I go to bed, I try to at least load the dishwasher and pick up the dogs' toys; I try to make my bed (or a rough facsimile of it) before I head out; things like that. The house may not be "clean" but it doesn't seem so out-of-control and as a result, it doesn't seem to weigh as heavily in the back of my mind.
Finally, the addiction to the A--I wish that I could share my ES&H and say that I have that all figured out, but I don't. Like you, I generally start out ok, but as the day progresses, I find that he is more and more at the center of my thoughts. Lately I have noticed that it seems to happen especially when something else is going wrong in my day-to-day life or I am actually feeling bad about myself (didn't go to the gym; ate that pasta; had a 2nd Starbucks...) It is easier for me to obsess about what my A is doing; how he feels about me; what we are going to do about our relationship, etc. than to just deal with what is making me feel bad about myself!! I try to remember that Al-Anon is a program of progress and not perfection and that at least now I recognize the insanity of what I am doing!! And, that this is a program of ACTION--so I am trying, little by little, when I find myself too much in my head, to DO something--anything, and it helps, it really does... Amazing how this program works, if you work it, right??
Thank you for sharing--I didn't intend to post such a long reply, but apparently my Higher Power had other ideas. This must be the lesson for me for today. Thank you!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I related to your share. I grew up in insnaity, but it wasn't alcohol or drug related.
I have felt the same as you at times, and have been feeling the same feelings lately with "A" out of the home right now I can't get to the gym in the morning like I was doing. So I have been not so good with the selfcare.
Take care of yourself. Sometimes I make housework a game and that helps me. Last night I said, clean the kitchen and then you can go to the meeting, and then I did. Then I said do some other housework and then go back into chat. My desire to be around my MIP friends is helping me out.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Hello Gaily don't be so hard on yourself ,I can so relate to your post tht was me along time ago , so much to do no energy to do any of it so like u said it jsut spills out al over the place. My home is a reflection of my mind. obsession keeps me from enjoying anything . letting go of the things I ahve no control over gives me time to change the things i can.
A little tip for the house cleaning , we have a saying here One day at a time so I used it to mke up my own for cleaning house ONE ROOM AT A TIME don't leave the room until everything is done. and then move on . I cannot describe the feeling i had the day I put that into practice and looked around my house and it looked lke it had been cleaned . Used to work all day and house looked like a cyclone .
And if you are like I used to be soemtimes the clutter in my mind made me forget important things like paying bills on time etc . so I started to make a list of things tht needed to be done then sat down and prioritized them . Do what had to be done that day and cross it off the list again the feeling when u look at the list and see it all is finished , is amazing all of these little things helped me feel better about me . The beginning of self esteem and self worth felt great. these sound like simple little things that Normies do al the time but for us they are a big deal.
Detach with love from the A there is nothing ucan do about him anyway but lots of little things u can do for yourself.
Good luck and i hope u are doing the most important thing u can do for anyone in your situation is to find local meetings and make the time to recover , do it for yourself.the rewards are amazing .
Wow, I can relate ~ I get this way often... I haven't even worked in a year but have put in many hours over my lifetime. Kudos to working in the first place. When I get down, which has happened often in the last 22 years ~ forget the cleaning, just being "up" working saps my strength.
I get a sense of you beating yourself up & comparing yourself (our disease) don't do it!!! The world will beat us all up enough. Maybe HP is gently telling you, you need/deserve some rest. Take it from me, the cleaning won't go away ~ take some nice hot baths & pamper yourself ~ go to bed early & get some rest.
I do the 'I'll kick myself b4 you get a chance too' ~ 'I'm 38, I ought to be here or there' ~ even the good 'ole 'Why can't my family love me the way I want to be' -- it is all old tapes & "junk programming."
I think loving A's & dealing with them for a life time, always being told where & how to do this/that, just gets us all exhausted & we have to lay down & say an emphatic "NO" ~ we deserve to have our own lives & not be expected to anything necessarily.
I tend to be a home body nowadays, as this is a total opposite to how I used to be, going out, meeting ppl, distracting myself & learning new things. Now I can do research on the PC, the world is at my fingertips, going out to a new place, doing something new & different is great but I've been far too depressed & uninterested to find a yoga class or talk to anyone ~ I've gotten myself some new books & meditation CD's & that is a great way to recharge yourself.
All you need to be whole is right inside of you ~ love yourself & let the demands of society fade off of your back.
I didn't do laundry for 2 months & I got started & some the last 2 days. Next I'll clean the kitchen. If it weren't for my cats unconditioanl love & the support of this site, I'd probably be dead.
You are the only priority ~ give yourself a break ~ hang in there.
If you can't get to a meeting, come into chat!
love, a friend in recovery, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
