Kelly,

we all wish that there was a pill we could take and we would instantly feel better, but I hate to say that there isn't - it will take exactly what it took to get you where you are - time - but the main the you can do is find a good Al-Anon meeting, get some phone numbers, find a sponsor, start working on you - it won't happen over night, but it will start to get better.  The program works if you work it,

Don't stop before the miracle happens, the miracle in you,

Rita

Kelly,,,,

I too feel the same as you.... I am fairly new to al anon, my boyfriend of going on 4 yrs is the A in my life. I sit in the MIP chat room. Friday my A went into a rage over me knowing that he was drinking vodka again. I have never felt that I should be afraid of him. But that night I was I did not argue with him, I just left when things calmed down.  Then he showed up at my house on Saturday night late, drunk of course. I refused to argue with him and went to bed. I have told him many times. DO NOT BRING IT TO MY HOUSE.... and he did. I have accepted it for the last time. I took him home sunday morning and that was the last I have seen of him. I miss him desperately.....  And know that I have to say what I mean. And that in order for change to happen one has to make the first step.  Thanks Elizabeth ......... well put for me today....

It will get better.....only you can make it happen...take control and stop waiting for him to change..only can change yourself...take a walk...bubble bath...listen to music...call a friend...keep reading...it is very confusing at first...do something today that puts a smile on your face even if just for a moment...your pain is REAL,...you are not alone

Just to take my edge off today I sat down and wrote down what I was feeling,,,,, It helped

Mandi

(((kellyjelly))))),

When I realized my life was unmangeable, it really was painful, too. And, soooo confusing! I wasn't sure what to do first, second or third, and I nolonger trusted my own instincts. Here are the biggest things that helped me:

1) I started going to Alanon Meetings regularly. I rarely missed a meeting and within several months of joining I got a sponosr, a wonderful old-timer whose always just a phonecall away. I call her weekly just to talk and more often when I am confused or in crisi.s. I also used my Alanon phone list--it felt awkward to 'cold call' members first, but I wanted the connection. I  bought several of the daily readers and Pathways to Recovery (a book I love! because it explains the steps, etc. so clearly and gives members ESH after each one).

2) I started reading the daily reader daily. The first week I bought it, I put tabs on the things that I needed for that week--I marked all of the self-care passages (using the index). I read them all, and started putting the things they said into practice. Whenever, I was struggling with something (anger, detachment, etc.), I used the index and read up on it. Invitably I felt calmed and found something in there to help me.

3) I started putting the program into action. When I faced a dillemma, I would consider a program way to handle it and do that. This did wonders for me! For example, since the definition of insanity is doing things over and over again with the same results, I stopped repeating my same, fruitless actions. Second, I would often list my choices in any situation, which were always much more than I thought,  and pick the choice that felt best to me.

4) I started paying attention to small things I did that 'hurt' me. For example, not eating lunch or not taking enough breaks at work. Trying to have a difficult conversation at 9 p.m. at night, etc. and I stopped doing those things. I started eating when I needed to, practiced getting more sleep, and resting when I needed to. I also built in 'treats' for myself things to make me feel good.

Not everything is perfect, but overtime I have begun to feel much better--cared for, centered, and able to make sounder decisions for myself and my own life. I've been coming to Alanon since last fall, and these are changes that I implemented S-L-O-W-L-Y over the last eight or nine months.

Welcome to the journey!

BlueCloud

Kelly  just for today try this , do the exact opposite to what u normally would do in anygiven situation in other words we learn to shut up or speak up.   If you would normally fight or pick an argument don't - if you would give him the cold shoulder because uwere angry greet him with a hello did u have a nice day ? and don't complian about yours.

Enjoy your twins , and do something to make u happy , I read the answers to your post the other day and all were positive with suggestions of how to make it alittle better for you , pick one and work it for awhile , come to meetings here on line and talk things out with others , You have reached out and now it's up to you . Crazy is now a choice. Al-Anon is not a quick fix , and no one working thier prog will give u advice on how to "fix it". but they will share how they figed themselves

Good luck see u in chat soon I hope  Louise

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Room is open for general chat at all other times! 

These Message boards are fantastic reading tooo.... full of  Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H!)KEEP READING!!  Great to know you found us!   Keep Looking uP!   Keep Coming Back!

(((BIGHUG)))

Melody Beattie has a number of great books. Personally I think she is a phenomenal writer.  Her autobiography is really worth reading if you want to hear that it did get better for her it certainly did.  Melody has certainly had many many many challenges as do all of us.

I came here 6 months ago with a heavy heart, like many many others totally burned to a crisp. My life now is infinitely better. Overinvolvement was my middle name. I stopped being as over involved with the A. I started to be much much more involved with me. Now I have goals, now I have things I do for me. I do not do it all for the A anymore.  If I am unwell I take care of me.  I no longer seethe in resentment day and night.

Do I have the wonderful life I deserve, not yet but I am on my way to it.  My own recovery, not his, not anyone else's is the front of my life.  Every day I focus on my goals not on what the A is doing.  I think it is incredibly difficult to do at first.  Yet it happens slowly sometimes quickly for some of us. If you start going to meetings and hanging out in the chat room you will meet many many wonderful people there who do live, eat breathe al-anon you will see how they do it. Eventually you will start learning how to do things like work the steps, detach, not argue, deal with resentments, focus on you.

Maresie.