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My AH says he doesn't need AA and that he "does nothing wrong". I begged and cried for him to change things. I told him he could drink all he wants as long as he's not mean. He says I am the one who is mean. He says all I want to do is change him. I said I don't like to be cut down when he's drunk and I damn sure don't like to have my son cut down when he's drunk. He said that I let my son run the house and he's the one who is in charge of our house. My son has ADHD, but he is taking medication and trying to have more control over himself. A little seven year old boy is making more attempts to change things than a 38 year old man. That's sad.
I told my AH that he needs AA and he says that he is stressed and he can drink if he wants to. He said he likes his beer and I knew that when I married him. I was married to an alcoholic the first time and I went ahead and did it again! This time I found myself a bigger drunk. How stupid am I??!!
Anyway, since things aren't going to change, the only choice I have is to detach, but I don't know what to do. I can't stand the cutdowns. They hurt me so badly that they eat away at me whenever my mind wanders. I think about cheating on him or stealing from him. I want to hurt him the way he has hurt me and more importantly, the way he has hurt my little boy. The anger that has been building inside me is taking over.
I have a full time job and two part time jobs. My two part time jobs are bartending jobs. I ENJOY it when stupid drunks tip me more money than they should. They open their wallets (much like my AH does) the next day and wonder where their money went. In the meantime, I am putting the money in the bank for my son. Then I feel sad because I know it is being taken away from someone else's children. This is how the cycle goes on and on.
Anyway, I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't want to keep begging, screaming, hissing, snarling and demanding that he stop. Divorce is in the future, but I need help to detach so I can live until we get to that point.
I told my AH he should find himself a barfly who will sit there and drink with him. Why do they always seem to hook up with normal people? Why can't they just stick with their own kind?
You are not stupid. Sounds like your at a point where you are ready for healing. Detaching is difficult especially when they're in the same house. I used to think detaching was physically detaching. In some cases it is. Detaching emotionally is harder. At this point you don't know if divorce is in your future and its best not to think too far into the future but concentrate more on today. What can you do for yourself today to help emotionally detach? He has said I'm not interested in AA and getting sober, o.k. that's pretty clear. You don't have to like it. I agree taking verbal abuse is unacceptable. My A is good at that sober or drunk. When he says something hurtful I let him know why it hurt and walk out of the room. If need be I'll leave the house with the kids and take a drive or take them out somewhere. Leaving my house for a little while I can handle. It allows the air to diffuse and change the mood in the house. If you can get to a meeting go for it. Getting into program, yourself, your son will help in detaching emotionally. Not engaging the A when he's drunk or when he's being beligerent will help keep the focus on you. I totally feel you on wanting to hurt back because you are hurt. Hurt people hurt others. Your A is sick... and until he realizes that and wants better for himself there is nothing you can say or do that will make him get sober and healthy. Changing you and your attitude and changing the focus from him to you will give you the peace you deserve. ODAT
Hang in there,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
You can't change your AH, what can you change, YOU - start working on you - through the 12 steps of Al-Anon, f2f meetings, working with a sponsor, this web site, you can work on you - that will help you learn what you need to do for you and your son . . .
Keep coming back, it works if you work it
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi Lindy... Have you ever read "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews? That book was an absolute lifesaver for me, and explained sooooo much of the things you are struggling with today... I would highly recommend it...
The bad news is... you can't change him, nor "will him, shame him, or coerce him" into choosing recovery for himself...
The good news is.... you CAN change you, and choose recovery for YOU, so that his actions (or lack thereof) have less day to day impact on your health and serenity. Time to dive into your program, read lots, go to meetings, etc., etc...
"He will either drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Learning how to detach takes time and the first step is to step out of your comfort zone and do something different. Example...the next time he makes you feel guilty for his drinking don't hold the burden for his problem. Just walk away knowing you are not the problem and it's the A's drinking. I know the words hurt but that's all they are if you really think about it and it really matters what you feel about yourself because if you look at yourself with love those words won't hurt so much as if you look at yourself as thoughs words really meaning something its different. Detaching takes practice and time but you are making steps and you are understanding that you need todo so that is so awesome! Go to a f2f if you have not....keep coming to this board to VENT....it's the best way to remove to baggage!!!!!!!!!! We are here to love and listen to you! Your A will have to want to get help and it sounds like it's not time for that so just think of you and everything will work out in the end...i promise.
lindy i have been in ur shoes.....my AH was a mean bastard when he drank, i did the same thing as U, i got hooked up with TWO of them....1st was a pr*** and the 2nd was a sweetie, but still and AH.....
i left BOTH....they were sapping my sanity....life sux enuf w/out someone making it WORSE.......i mean there is enuf trouble that can FIND me, why PURCHASE it????
u gotta do what is right for u, i am not telling u to dump him, only u know what is the best thing to do.......meanwhile???? detach in your head, and take care of u and just "blow him off" let him do what he wants to do.....and the "put downs" omg, i remembe EX #1, doing that to me......i hated him, wanted to kill him, and one day i chased him with his dad's shotgun.......i told him that he was gonna push me too far and one day he would fall asleep and i would "get him"........he kinda avoided me after that, i am amer. indian, and i think he knew that i would do something to him, it got so bad, i just one day walked into the house, in my room, packed my stuff, and LEFT.......i was GONE....had my own place set up, behind his back, a friend helped me with deposit and i was GONE.....lawyer visit when i got my first pay check on new job and i got RID of him......boy it felt good to have "that" out of my house.....NO insults, NO nastyness, i was able to DO what i wanted, HEAR what i wanted....he would call to get me back and i had the freedom to HANG UP.......i didn't have to listen to his crap.....it was gr8.......
but i don't want to influence u .......just please work the program and take care of U.......ur answer will come.....just like mine did and i wasn't even in recovery..........hugs/ rosie
Is there any way you can look for an apartment? Let him sit alone and rot if he loves his beer so much. There's no reason for you and your son to have to listen to his abuse. Do it for your son if you can't do it for yourself.
wel Lindy u won't like this anymore than I did when someone told me "that i wasn't the healthiest nut in the barrel when i chose him in the first place" sat me on my butt I can tell ya. But none the less there I was with an A and not getting anywhere fast, as u said crying begging and threats never work in fact they only make things worse.
I hope u find Al-Anon meetings for yourself there u will learn to detach with some understanding of this disease and let go of some of your anger You will learn that we have choices and that it is possible for us to find happiness wether they drink or not. That didn't seem possible to me at the time but it's true ,this prog showed my how to do that so that I could remain in my marriage.
There is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself. The verbal abuse is booze talk and designed to get u off his back and it usually works , u will learn how to not react to his hissy fits and walk away like the lady u are. with dignity and grace. Please find a meeting as soon as u can for your sake . Louise
It is always someone elses fault with an active A. Unitl he decides he wants help, he will not see anything as his fault or his needing AA. All you can do is take care of you and your son.
The blame doesn't go away, but you can change how you deal with it.
Fathers Day was my hubands 1st since his Dad passed. I knew it was going to be a rough one, and I had to work as well. He spent the day with "Mommy Dearest", got smashed and used Fathers Day and having to help put his Mothers Dog to sleep, as an excuse.
I don't condone it, but did expect it. That did not stop him from taking shots at me. According to him I was to blame for everything. That night while he was ranting about how I am to blame, I just shook my head and said "yes, it is all my fault, and world hunger and drought aswell" and walked away. In the past I would have tried to convince him he was wrong.
The next day, when he was sober, I just said , I am sorry you had a rotten day, but I am not the cause. (Had to speak my piece).
It doesn't change anything, but makes my life a little easier.
