The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still new to al-anon and this time around I am really trying to work on me. I came to a few meetings at the end of last year but I did not stick to it. I think I came more for my A than for me. Now I am really ready to work on myself for me and me only. I am going to f2f meetings but there are not man people there. I want to find a sponsor to help me work the steps but there are only like 2 or 3 people at the meetings I am going too. I found a co-dependency meeting on Monday and Tuesday nights but once again there are ws only 2 other people at the meeting. I really am glad there is a place to come to online. I have learned a lot from all of you and I am so grateful. I am going through something right now that I am having a hard time with. My A went into rehab at the end of November of last year. When he got out he had an affair with soemone in his meetings. Of course when I approached him about it, he kept claiming I was interfering in his recovery and everytime he wasn't home he was always saying he was with someone from his meetings. Well by the end of December he finally fessed up and admited what he was doing. We have been trying to work through all this but about a month ago I found out he is talking to a woman from his meetings again. I confronted him and he says they are just friends.......he says he learned from the last experience that things cannot go that way in your meetings. He would never let anything like that happen again. A few nights ago e was getting text messages and I know someone from his meetings was killed in an accident. When I asked whom he was talking too he told me her. Evidently she knew the boy well that was killed and she was texting him avout the funeral. I know he talks to her often and I am trying to trust that nothing more is going on but it keeps eating away at me. I know I need to let go and let God take care of this because I have no control over him. I only have control over my response if I find out more is going on. I was told I needed to let this go and work on me. When I get stronger I can face this and decide if this is something I want to put up with or not. Even if nothing is going on.........do I want soem other woman texting and calling my husband constantly? I am still very insecure and weak and I know I need to work on me now. Could I be over reacting to this situation? I understand talking to someone some but this is excessive talking and how do I stop obsessing about this? He swears they are just friends. I am just very confused and thought maybe I could get soem feedback on this.
Hello, LaLa, So glad you are here. Thanks for posting. You have a lot of questions. In my experience, it helps to go to meetings, even if they are very small. And pray to your HP to find you a sponsor. working the 12 steps is what really changes us. Through my years in Alanon I have had to learn and learn what is right for me and what is not ok with me. So your question is not easy to answer. You will have to hang in there until what is right for you is clear to you. When I first came into Alanon, I remember praying to my HP over and over to take my obsessing from me. Sometimes it was one moment at a time, but I really learned a lot every time I did it. One good thing to do is to get a "God Box." Any box that is private will do. You write your worries on a piece of paper and you put it in the God Box. Then when you think of it again, you can remind yourself that you've already turned it over to your HP for whatever is meant to happen. Things can get better, but it takes working the 12 steps. Use the Forum here, but keep going to face to face meetings. It is no wonder your trust is low right now after what has happened in your relationship this past year. You are doing the very best you can - never forget that! We love you and are so glad you are here. Prayers for you, mebjk
Welcome to MIP you are in a good place to vent out your feelings and gain wisdom from other's experiences and learning. I can imagine that you are feeling very vulnerable right now. My A and I are going through something very similiar. What I am learning is that the "other" woman or women in the A's life is not about me. I am learning that the A is trying to fill a void within themselves and in it goes alcohol, money, gambling, sex, pornography you name it. It has nothing to do with my self-worth. I'm fine... I'm working my program working on myself. Progress is happening. I found myself obsessing about who he's speaking to is she calling etc. I still check phone records as its only been a month since he last spoke to her, but I'm not obsessing the way I did in the beginning. I was so angry at both of them. One drunken night he lets everything go and calls her up. Still crossed a boundary. Finally after two weeks of carrying around this anger I decided along with the urging of my HP that I needed to forgive my A and this other person. The fears I have about losing my A have to be put aside. I can survive without him if need be. I can't be afraid or walk around holding in anger and contempt it steals my joy and peace. Since doing this I have regained some self-esteem and self-respect back. I have been able to tell him, that I'm phenominal and if he doesn't know what he has let it go and allow me to heal and let HP send me someone who will respect me and appreciate me. I take it ODAT... things have gotten more peaceful in my home. Still some juvenile behaviors but I know I'm worth having the love and life I want. HP wants that for me and you too. Your great and worth it. Give yourself some time to heal. Let go when your ready. I like the God Box idea... Be good to you.
Blessings,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think the God box is a great idea because I used to do that too. The amazing thing is that I would look through it every now and again and read my request's and all of them were answered...maybe not how I wanted them answered, and some of them answered exactly how I wanted them to be answered...it was amazing. Im doing it again because it keeps my mind from obsessing because I gave it up to my HP...also I am free to think about my day better by being able to give it up...i became free of the problem.
I am also glad you are here and I am glad you posted your thoughts because I went through a similar situation. Just know your HP loves you, we love you, and don't give up! Sunshine is around the corner
I know it is not easy when you are engulfed with what he is doing.I honestly dont know I went though it too and he did leave with the woman he met at AA. it does happen.
Please keep going to meetings and do pray that even if it 2 people or 3 that is the people you need to talk to.Find a sponsor it works wonders.of course keep posting here and know even though it looks like it cause of you it is not .
Love your self and if you dont know how keep going to alanon.
I said a prayer for you as I sent this post keep us posted.
