TOO FAR GONE - Al-Anon Family Group

Marlene · Newbie

TOO FAR GONE

tishrijo · Veteran Member

Sounds to me like it's about time you take care of you. I definitely am not an expert....and this is only my opinion.....he is an adult and it sounds like you need to "Let Go and Let God"...Your Higher Power, whatever that may be, will take care of your son. I am a firm believer in "What's meant to be will be".

Please, keep coming back....continue hanging around this board and reading other posts.....someone will come along that has been in your shoes, and they will offer the experience, strength, and hope (ESH) that you need. Know that you are never alone...there's a whole group of us here that are ready to listen.

Sending sunshine and love your way!

tishrijo

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Marlene!!

Welcome home. You most definitely are in the right place and you nor your situation is hopeless if you are willing to take some simple suggestions. This is not advise but suggestions that work and ended up saving the life of this enabler. What are the suggestions? Grab your telephone book and in the white pages look for Al-Anon or Al-Anon Family Groups. Then contact the number and get a hold of someone to talk to. If your phone book doesn't for some reason have the listing call the AA or Alcoholics Anonymous hot-line number and ask them where/when Al-Anon neets. Next? get to as many meetings as you can in the next 90 days and take your seat and listen, listen, listen to the stories and experiences shared by others who have been exactly where you are right now and how they changed it. Get as much literature as you can (some are free and others have a reasonable cost. You most likely will be paying cost as there are no meetings I have ever been to that make a profit off of literature) and read it all. Get as many phone numbers as you can from those who are willing to give you their phone numbers and when you are not at a meeting you can contact others in the program and not be alone, afraid, confused and all the other feelings you have been feeling and expect will only go away when you die. You are loved unconditionally at all times here even now.

Give the program a chance and living happy, joyous and free will become your reality as it has for so many of us whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not!

If after 90 days you decide that this program is not for you; you can get a refund on your misery (hope that is not your choice) and you can look for something else that may work. This is what I was told when I came into the program a long while back. I stayed and lived.

If you stay there will be other suggestions that will come up and you can decide on them then.

But....."First things first" (only one of our slogans to live by) go get the phone book. Stay by your computer also to stay hooked up at Miracles.

((((Hugs))))

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi Marlene, I am glad you are here.

When you said your situation is totally hopeless, my first thought was, only if you choose it to be.

When the A tells us we were horrible mothers, horrible wives, whatever, they are manipulating us. They know we will try even harder to make them happy. Becuz we are wonderful nurturing people.

His disease is using you. And as long as you allow it, you are making it worse for your son. When we make them comfortable, we are robbing them from getting down enough, to find the strength to climb out of the pit themselves.

"Getting Them Sober" Explains it best. I love that book.

I sure relate to you, and I tell ya, it was the wisest thing I ever did to set my A loose and let him fall on his own.

My son was getting bad and I sent him on a survival counseling backpacking trip. Then when he was like 22 I said pack your pack, you are out of here. Hardest thing I ever did. But he found his own power and strengths and is now a very successful person and an awesome father to his step kids.

We do our A's no favor when we take care of them. In fact we are torturing them. Maybe if you learn to see it that way, you can stop the madness of enabling him.

I am not kidding. We cannot change anyone else but ourselves. so true. So beautiful lady, If I were you, I would take a breath and stop doing anything for him.

It is NOT him saying you are a bad mother, or you never cared. It is the disease. Your poor son is being held prisoner by the disease. By taking care of him, you are helping the disease be comfortable.

Please take care of you. Block him from calling. Go to the senior center, go to the movies. If you don't support him, then go for a trip. Do for YOU.

I know it is a hard concept, but we MUST allow them the dignity to care for themselves.

much, much love, pleeeeease come back. Please. love,debilyn

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

Marlene

I sent you a private message. Check the top of the page for it.

Vicky R · Member

hi Marlene ,

thanks for that I very much related to it from a situation that I have been deeply involved in. There was one A that was just like that , very reliant on me and I'd allowed it to become like that when I was in no position to be any kind of support for him. Well it was harder than I thought to work through this , to try to cut down on the syndrome, trying to reduce my contact with him and as you know some of them kick against you when you do that and you feel that you are having to be tougher than you really are isn't it. Well now it's improved I have minimised the contact and he's struck up a relationship with a professional that will be able to help him much better than I could. I see myself getting some sort of a balance there between fussing over someone and cutting them off altogether which is not usually ideal either . So that's improved for me , it doesn't guarantee that it will help him but I think it can improve their chances if we get into the right space , and now there are some other situations that I need to apply the same thing to , phew !

yeah and as others have said here , try to get the focus back onto yourself and looking after yourself and enjoying your life , that's also supposed to be good for the A to see apparently ,

anyway good luck with it all , llol Vickyr x

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Marlene)))

Welcome! I'm glad you are here. Aism is a disease, using guilt and blame is an easy way for As to get what they want. Don't let the guilt bring you down, sounds to me like you did a fine job of caring for yourself and 2 young boys.

Try to take some time to take care of yourself. What helped me to do this was imagining mybest friend in my situation and then doing for myself what i would have done for her. The little things are important, small treats just to perk yourself up.

The most important thing I have learned is not everything has to be done right now. It has taken me a long time to find ways of making my life better. And that is OK just as long as I keep moving forward in a positive way.

Keep coming back.

Jennifer

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((Marlene)))))))))))

My dear Marlene, I think it sounds like you need to cut the cord already..sounds to me like you did the absolute best you could do...........

Your son will keep taking from you as long as you let it go on, you have to learn the word NO....mean what u say, but don't say it mean......

You sound like a remarkable woman to me, raised two kids on your own, had the guts to leave your abusive A, went to school so you could provide for your family.....

I think it is time to put yourself first, not last anymore......My dear friend, no situation is hopeless if we take control of our lives....you did this once......dig deep find the strength and live your senior days with peace...........

Love to ya,
Andrea

peewee · Senior Member

Marlene, you are no farther gone and hopeless than most of us.

You have done a fantastic job of providing for your kids, and now may I suggest you stay with us at MIP, come to chat, meetings, and get some ESH.

MsPeewee

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

One thing that was said to me when I first came to the program is that there is very little you can do for HIM, but there is a lot you can do for YOU.

It is not a case of "all or nothing" - it's OK for us to take baby steps, as we learn to change the way we relate to our A. Even though my husband has been in AA as long as I have been in Alanon, he still looks to me first to fix his problems, and I am the first he blames. However, as I learn not to pick up that burden, he is learning not to hand it to me.

Please, get some of our literature, try a few of our tools, and see what happens. It can't be worse than things are now - you believe that your situation is hopeless, so what can you lose? Your son will NOT cut off all contact with you if you refuse to go to ridiculous lengths for him - as all of us here know, it's not that easy to lose an alchoholic. They depend on us more than we depend on them.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.