The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is what i find truly very difficult in the Alanon Program and its growth. I have left Alanon on more than one occasion because of this reason. My instinct is to do the same now, run and run fast and far and dont look back. For the first time in my life my anger has been lifted a little and i still do get angry, however its not the same at all. I try hard to keep my anger and its not possible anymore. In the past i have always been able to turn any emotion i had right to anger and then i didnt feel the emotion of pain. Every thought i had that was sad i can change the memory from sadness and think about how angry that memory feels and stay there. Then the memory would fade. I would be fine. I even used to be able to turn the death of my mother into anger and just think she didnt take care of herself and chose to die. I realize how very addicted to anger i am. I want so much for it to return.
I cant handle my thoughts they are beginning to scare me, I hate to cry and have been for over a week. I feel pathetic and weak and i hate it. I used to be a pathetic little child as a kid cryed every single day of my life till i hit highschool then i became little miss tough B&**h. I do know that it doesnt work for me anymore. I never realized how much pain there would be under that anger and im not sure i can take it. My memories are closer, i used to have memories however they used to be distant. Now they come flooding in and i have no chocie but to see them cause they take me by suprise and im gonna see whether i like it or not. Memories i havent seen for a really long time.
Memories of the very bad things i did as a teen, where im suprised im alive today and they give me the shivers to realize yes i actually did do those and yes it is me i am seeing in those memories. I realized i raised myself and have been alone my whole entire life. I have always had a friend to go to as a teen soemones house to sleep at. It was either do what my friends did or go home to abuse while my parents got really drunk my friends were mean though. Memories of complete rejection time and time again by friends family, relatives. People who knew what was happening in my home and turned away and stayed away so they wouldnt have to look me in the eye. This i just am realizing.
The pain is way to much for me and i dont want it anymore. I dont want the memories anymore either. I know i have to do this to recover and i know this pain wont last forever it feels like im not going to make if it stays with me, i feel like i am falling when in reality i am growing. I am so confused on things i do, who i am. I dont even know what i like and am completely clueless on how to begin to find out. I have spent my life caring for my family, for a family who needed me, and hated me being around at the same time. That is a hard realization also. I feel like a bad person. Loosing my court case to fight for the emotional safety for my kids was a huge blow and it knocked me down.
I am tired of being labeled by social workers. You tell them you had a bad childhood with alocholics and they think they know all about you. Tell me? are you sure you are not saving your children though you? I say no my kids were emotionally abused and my kids doctor is the one that told me it was abuse and told me to start court precedings. Had my lawyer worked like i told her to i might of won. If i did it the way i wanted to maybe i could accept it better if i lost. However she didnt. They dont listen to me. My whole life makes no sense to me anymore. For the fog is lifted and i see things for what they are. Its not a pretty site at all. I know if i were to run all this would stop and my anger would probably return then where would that leave me ????? I just dont know where to go from here. I dont know how to be without my anger.
All year at my daughters school i have been talking to the prinicipal. The councelor there, the special ed tech there in charge of safety. Teachers. For bullying on my daughter. I have sent many letters and they did nothing. I went in with my social worker last week and now they are doing something about it???????? That makes no sense to me because its at the end of the year and i have been complaining for that year. Social worker says at least its now. That dont make sense cause shes off for two months and the last week of school is here. Shes going to a new school next year with the same friends. Shes not going to think of all this on the first day of school again and so i start all over not being listened to??? or get my social worker to speak for me cause my words mean nothing???? I just dont get it. I am so fed up of trying to fail to get no where. I am tired so very tired .
Thanks for listening
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I won't even for a second start throwing slogans in your face, because you know all of that stuff hon. You have been around the program for a long time, you know that the path you are on can cause you great pain in the process of tremendous growth. What I would like to offer is just hope hon. When you see that mountain of old crap in front of you, try to see the sun still shining above it - beyond it. You have to deal with that mountain because going around it hasn't been working, it isn't making you whole. You can take a moment and see yourself on the other side and feel the relief and the love and the joy that is waiting there.
Please just keep sharing and coming to the meetings. I love seeing you there and talking to you and hearing from you. You truly are a beautiful person kerry, I will believe in you - as others will - until you start to believe in yourself darlin. LOVE YOU!! Wish I could wrap my arms around you and just let you cry. If you look back at a post or two of mine you will see that I have my own battle with the tissue box girl.
I read your post and I was amazed at the openness of it. I think saprkette spoke very wise words in her reply to you. And I echo them.
I would also like to thank you. We didn't grow up in the same situation, but i saw myself in your post. I can get mad over past memories as well. I never thought of the anger as a way to hide from the pain. Like an addict self-medicating. You gave me alot to think about. Thanks for the insight.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
The first step is happening, you're on your way. :) Anger was easy, this new stuff is hard, way hard.
I can see in your post you don't feel "heard". Did you feel that way as a child too? My sponsor has helped me dig up the cause of many of my feelings and my reactions to certain instances. I understood why I was reacting the way I was and why it bothered me so much...Once I understood where it was coming from, I had the opportunity and choice to try to change. I changed my thinking when I would catch myself reacting..I could tell myself "I am reacting to this because this is how I thought/reacted as a child". It just seemed second nature. Now, I understand those feelings, understand too that those are old reactions to an old instance and I no longer have to feel that way. Seeing the past and understanding what has created the anger is a huge step (it was for me anyway). The good news is you aren't that person anymore, that angry soul, and you're on the path to discovery. Although it did cause me some pain, my sponsor asked me to try to look at it as an adventure.. Granted, it was and is a scary adventure but the peace that understanding brings is what I believe to be that ever illusive thing called serenity.
That fist of anger is slowly opening and little by little it will unfold, allow you to peek inside and hold on to acceptance, healing and change.
Love you like a sistah, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome to recovery Kerry , (((((hugs))))))) I don't know anyone who does vulnerable well, but for me its hope that I am willing to change and risk getting hurt occasionally. The walls we build keep us alone and isolated and like it or not we need people and I have discovered that ain't so bad after all. I am no longer the sick little needy person that i was when i arrived here , but I no longer want to travel thru life alone . Your going to be just fine Kerry . Louise
For me it has been really inspiring to watch you over these past few years. So much happening that you've shared...but the one main thing, you keep trying, even when you're so afraid. I'm so very glad you are here and sharing. It's so neat to see another person growing and changing, and I've seen that in you. Thanks for being here (((((((kerry))))))))! Luv ya lots!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Welcome to the world beyond anger. Am so sorry it hurts, but believe it or not at this moment, the hurt is healing.
I teach anger management for a living and can definitely tell you that anger almost always masks some form of pain or fear.
Feel the hurt, cry the tears, take the good moments and tuck them away deep in your soul so when the really sucky ones happen you'll be able to take the good one out, examine it and know that it IS possible.
As always,
Take what ya like and leave the rest,
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
